When it comes to Dance Moms, we know they’re light on the hugging and heavy on the learning, and the new season began with a bang on the ol’ edumacation front. Abby was fiercely protective of her reputation, the Moms were furiously bigging up their girls, and the dancers themselves were staggering under the weight of expectations and, in Maddie’s case, trophies that were taller than them. Here’s your essential, fact-filled recap:
Abby Lee wants to change her face
We would not think it possible, but Abby Lee has more energy than ever. More than a puppy that has been let loose in a bakery and just discovered where the frosting is kept. Abby has so much energy that she is 'about to change the face of the Abby Lee Dance Company!' What’s more chilling than someone talking about themselves in the third person? Someone who is calmly discussing the dissection of their own face. We wouldn’t want Abby to change a thing, although we’d enjoy a little more smiling and a little less screaming. But that doesn’t involve major surgery. A meditation app would do it.
Singing and dancing are different
Multi-talented Brooke is invited to perform with Country Music star Jana Kramer, but even though her daughter has been on stage more times than the average American citizen has enjoyed a TV dinner, Mom Kelly is concerned. As a terrified looking Brooke picks up the microphone, Kelly grimaces and says 'The thing is, singing and dancing are different.' Alert the presses! Warn the RSO! And, for God’s sake, do something about that tap-dancing man who's on his way to his nearest karaoke booth! He’ll have someone’s eye out.
The fastest way to anger a Dance Mom is with a personalised cake
After last season’s triumphs, dancer Maddie is rewarded with a huge and beautiful iced cake proclaiming her to be queen of all the dance world, or something. Obviously Mom Melissa is delighted, but Jill is furious that daughter Kendall has not been singled out for tasty praise. Calm down, Jill! I’m sure Abby will be handing it around to everyone on paper plates and napkins. Best that you’re not in charge of cutting it, though. Better if Kendall wins something before you’re entrusted with a knife.
Yellow is a very exciting colour
'Hnnnnng! Harooooo! Hmmmm! Yellow! LUCKY!' shrieks Holly, who is so excited about daughter Nia’s gold hued solo frock that she can barely use her lips to form syllables. It’s OK, Holly, we had a very similar reaction when we saw Mossy had done the primrose one-shouldered prom dress for Topshop again.
A Trio is not just an old school chocolate biscuit
It’s also a dance in which three girls pirouette, wearing pin-striped halter tops and accessories, while their moms sit on their hands, lest they start clawing at each other’s faces. The ALDC (Abby Lee Dance Company) trio won in their category, and thank goodness. If the gang hadn’t racked up at least one child-sized trophy, Abby made it quite clear she would have left them in a strange down and gone off to Ohio with a brand-new troupe.
‘Lyrical Birthday’ is a real dance theme
We were all very confused when Maddie got a cake and then danced to a song about birthdays. Apparently, during a lyrical birthday, you spend a lot of time rolling around on the floor. Just like a standard adult human anniversary celebration.
You can end a dance with a big wave
Poor Nia wasn’t placed for her solo, which was gutting, because she was trying really, really hard. One suspects she blew it when she finished the routine by raising her right hand in the air, palm up, and using it to draw a big quarter circle in the air. Nia, love, the judges probably thought you’d just gone 'Oh, look, there’s my mum! HELLO MUM!' Still, we’d all wave at our Mums too, if we were on the telly. Solidarity, pet.
If you want to have a cry, you want to have a cry, and no amount of glitter on your face is going to stop you
Payton got a bit tired and emotional, as we all might, and started to weep lavishly and dramatically, even though so many pointy crystals had been glued to her cheeks that it made the necessary facial mobility almost impossible. Weirdly, Abby’s attempt to turn her frown upside down by shouting did not do the job, either.
The best way to hurt someone is to call their child a basket
When it was suggested that Abby was not encouraging Brooke’s full complement of talents and might be “putting all [her] eggs in one basket Abby snapped back 'Oh, yeah? Well, YOUR KID’S A BASKET.' There is genuinely no legitimate response, other than fear. Or placating Abby with another massive trophy.
Dance Moms is on Lifetime on Mondays at 9PM
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.