We’re back in the Royal Borough, and Alex is still, quite possibly, dealing with forgotten, illicit ruderies like an erotically charged girlfriend who genuinely has no memory of fertilising his girlfriend’s sister’s eggs up against the plastic seaweed. Still, 'you don’t forget putting your dick into someone else’s vagina!' shouts Lucy, as if the vaginal area has the same function as the small bowl you leave by the front door so you never forget where you’ve left your keys.
We learn that Binky has gone to New York for a few days to recover (not, as I originally heard, York, where you can get over a broken heart by smearing yourself in pretend poo at the Viking Experience and then flirting with all the eligibles at the Railway Museum.) We also discover Fran’s dog is called Phoebe. This is just like that chapter in Proust’s Remembrance Of Things Past where he talks about involuntary memory and bitchy names for your pet.
Biscuits is charmingly worried about Alex, saying 'It’s horrible when you remember that it’s cold outside and you don’t have that thing next to you that you can cuddle,' as if Binky is not a human woman but a punctured hot water bottle.
Louise has a run-in with Riley, her brother’s ex, while she’s making Spencer stand outside the shops, presumably because she’s worried that if he goes in he’ll march straight up to the counter and scream 'GIVE ME ALL YOUR LEATHER JACKETS!’ Riley says two words to Spencer and kisses him four times. 'How did SAM get THAT?' Spencer marvels. Will you bloody stop talking about women like they’re the biggest ticket items on the Generation Game conveyor belt? But we see what you mean and we urgently need to talk to someone about how we can get Riley’s hair.
She leaves and Louise makes subtle, barely perceptible enquiries about Spencer’s love life. 'I think it’s nice that we’re friends and we can talk about each other’s relationships. HOW’S EMMA? HAVE YOU SLEPT TOGETHER?'. Spencer claims they haven’t slept together because she’s 'well brought up'. Does that make Louise 'un-well brought up'? Hmmmm.
The bois are all piling in on Stevie for letting the rumour escape, and Biscuits attempts to offer words of comfort to Mytton. 'You look depressed! Do you feel bad? So, it definitely happened?!' He’s like a composite of all the eighties luminaries that ever filmed a Christmas special in hospital and walked around with a camera poking patients and saying 'Hey! So you’re dying!'
Next, Mark Francis dances! He’s whirling an increasingly blonde Rosie around the room. 'Unless one knows how to waltz, one doesn’t know how to foxtrot, and if one doesn’t know how to foxtrot one simply doesn’t know how to do anything in life,' he murmurs, as she shrieks with glee. I no longer want to look at anything if it isn’t a waltzing Mark Francis. I would like to make this image the screensaver of my life.
But we can’t watch it forever; we have to see Spencer, Emma and Louise having an awkward brunch. 'I thought it might be nice to hang out,' says Louise, cautiously. 'I LOVE hanging out!' replies Emma. ZOMG! So much in common, you guys! Quickly, the conversation turns to Spencer’s willy-waving ways, which is extra weird as he’s right there.
'He doesn’t understand how bad cheating is,' reveals Louise, as poor Spencer mutters 'erm, how’ s the kale?'. Spencer, Gwyneth couldn’t stop a relationship meltdown with leafy greens and neither can you. 'Do you fancy a glass of wine?' asks Emma. I am definitely warming to her.
Spencer’s life is about to get even more uncomfortable - Stephanie is back! Lucy is very excited about seeing her, although one suspects this is less about Stephanie and more about pure, unadulterated revenge. Lucy, as promised, goes straight to Stephanie’s hotel room, pausing only for 40 minutes or so to have an argument with Jamie Biscuits in his office. Biscuits' 'Oh, me? Just doing some massively important work' style of typing is almost convincing, even though Lucy soon spots that he’s playing games.
She calls him out for giving Alex terrible, selfish, relationship advice, which is based on the fact that Biscuits wants Alex to be single so they can go for SHOTS! Because they’re LADS! Biscuits asks Lucy to be his date to Rosie’s ball, which is the reason for Mark Francis’ dancing earlier. In thousands of years' time, psychologists will fight to crack open Biscuits’ skull and find out what the hell was going on. And they will find a tiny monkey in a plastic egg. Biscuits has Kinder Surprise for brains.
That settled, Lucy stops by Stephanie’s suite, as promised - and she’s brought A HUNK! 'Eric’s a model, he’s not my boyfriend,' deadpans Stephanie as Lucy drools enough to severely test the absorbent properties of Eric’s hotel towel. Stephanie is out-Spenning Spenny!
Binky is back, and Cheska and Fran vow to love her and look after her forever, sequestering her in her bed for a future of no hair washes, while tilting their heads to the right and murmuring 'You really loved him didn’t you?'. Binks is in for a lot of forced tea and sympathy. It’s a good job Ollie has left a load of union jack mugs behind in their flat.
And having made ‘friends’ with Emma, Louise describes her to Rosie as a ‘show pony’ while the eternally awkward Sam attempts to impress the Hollywood-haired Riley by chopping onions, and then getting Spencer to take him suit shopping. Dude, Spencer will take her from under your nose and he can’t even be bothered to remember her name! You’ll be left alone, still referring to yourself in the third person and stinking of onions!
Lucy has a magnificently savage run-in with Alex, hissing 'You’re good at lying, better than Spencer and Jamie.' We can see Alex climbing to the top of the podium at the Bastardry Olympics, leaving Biscuits to sadly finger his bronze.
It’s time for the ball! Mark Francis is spinning Louise around and it’s making her grin so hard that we’re all worried her face might break. 'That was SO VIGOROUS,' remarks Rosie, with just a shade of jealousy creeping into her voice. As well it might.
There’s a selection of strong looks, with Fran in a mad bejewelled bib, presumably selected to catch the cocktail vom on the way home later so she doesn’t have to pay another cleaning fee to Addison Lee. And Sam is wearing his Spenny-selected suit. 'I look quite baller, don’t I?' he beams, probably thinking the expression means 'one who attends a ball.'
Stevie is hoping for a dance from Riley, and Sam responds 'I don’t like people taking my things.' Urghhh, you’re supposed to be a simple dork, not a possessive sexist tool. Stop hanging about with Spencer! Rosie calls Riley over and sends her off with Stevie. Sam is put out, but we think Rosie has her own agenda. Watch this space.
Stephanie stalks across the room to greet Spencer. 'Hey asshole!' Genius. 'I like your dress,' she calls to Emma. 'Sloron,' smirks Spenny. He might be the worst philanderer in the world but he knows not to pronounce Yves Saint Laurent as spelled, and that’s something to be proud of, right? Wrong. Stephanie delivers a stinging speech, concluding with 'It’s pieces of shit like you that should not get away with it.'
'I’m young! I don’t have the emotional, emosh, emotional maturity for a relationship,' protests Spencer. How come he can pronounce the names of French couture houses but can’t manage words in English? Rosie gets the last word. 'THAT DRESS WAS PRETTY RANK, THAT SHE’S WEARING,' she stage whispers as Stephanie departs in her Barbie pink chiffon. Ol’ Bitchy Fortescue is back in the house!
Eric is smitten with Lucy, and tells Biscuits they’re going on a trip. 'I’m there!' cries Biscuits, before he even knows where they’re going. Bouncing back quickly, perhaps because he feels impelled to leave town, Spencer rolls across the room. 'What’s that you say? Invite myself on holiday with you when I barely know you? Bring it on!' he says. With his eyes.
Finally, it ends with Alex attempting to comfort a weeping Binky. 'Deep down, the best thing… I just want you to be happy,' he mumbles, sounding more pathetic than a deadbeat dad who has just taken his kids to McDonalds to announce that he is moving to Australia without them. 'You clearly don’t love me that much. Just get your shit and go,' replies Binky, who is looking at him with, let’s not beat around the bush, murderous eyes. Alex Mytton, you are a bad, bad man.
Hero of the week: with strong competition from Mark Francis and his fabulous dances, the award goes to Rosie Fortescue! She kept Riley out of Sam’s sexist clutches, she wowed us with her waltz and she gave us the most magnificently bitchy moment of the whole episode with Stephanie Pratt dress gate. We’re also really enjoying her new golden hair. Rosie, you truly are a baller.
Villain of the week:
Obviously it’s awful Alex, again, but we’re going to jointly award the prize to Jamie Biscuits, for his terrible advice, total lack of social appropriateness and general selfish single ways. If Jamie Biscuits ever asks you out on a date, follow Lucy’s lead and laugh at him. It’s safer for everyone if he stays single.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @notrollergirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.