Jeez. Useless You is The Worst. Worse even than Drunk You (who by the way we’re still not talking to after last weekend’s whole ‘wouldn’t it be a great idea to call your landlord at 3AM to apologise about your late rent’ debacle. At least Drunk You is FUN. Useless You is just that, useless... Forever losing stuff, forgetting stuff and making you late for everything.
Luckily, the digital world has stepped in. Last week in America, everyone was talking about KeyMe – the genius app that takes a picture of your key, which you can then take to one of their kiosks to get copied when you (inevitably) lose yours. Way cheaper than a locksmith and way easier than calling your landlord (again) to for a new one. Sadly, it’s only available in America ATM, but here's hoping it’ll come over here soon. In the meantime, though, there’s a zillion more apps that can help you overcome the troubles caused by Useless You.
What Useless You Buggered Up: You said you’d look at flights for the girls’ holiday and then didn’t.
The Solution: Obviously, now it’s too late and everything looks really expensive, everyone’s going to be mad at you. New app Hopper then is your last ditch chance to find exactly when it is going to be the cheapest to fly. Just type in your nearest airport, where you want to go and it’ll give you a breakdown of exactly when the cheapest flights are. Even better, it predicts whether it’s best to book your flights now or wait a few weeks and updates you when prices fall. Screenshot it all to prove to your mates what a together and organised person you are.
*What Useless You Buggered Up: Spilt shit down yourself.
The Solution: Rather than just take off the jumper you just soiled with coffee, tomato ketchup and/or a big glob of foundation and hide it under your desk forever, book yourself a Laundrapp pick up and delivery. Available in London and Edinburgh, it’s literally £2.50 for a shirt to be washed and ironed, and you don’t even have to leave your office to pick it up, hence saving your future clothes the same sorry end as last year’s winter coat, which is still in the nearby dry cleaners. Unless they’ve binned it. Which they probably have.
What Useles You Buggered Up: Went out when you didn’t want to.
The Solution: You were umming and ahhing until the last minute, when a call from your sort of mate tipped you over the edge. Now it’s 9:30PM, you’ve got half a pint to last you until the last train and you’d so much rather be at home watching Don't Tell The Bride that it’s not even funny. Sadly, you’ve got no excuse to leave until you employ the talents of the Fake A Call app. Which does exactly what it says on the tin. What’s that? Your stupid housemate’s locked himself out again? Shucks, looks like you’ve got to bust a groove. Enjoy your slow death, losers.*
What Useless You Buggered Up: Lost the remote control.
The Solution: Remember when you used to be able to change the channel manually on those old TVs? Not a thing any more, sadly. When we lost the remote control at my house, we just stopped watching TV, until someone's mum relented and bequeathed us her old one. Enter TV Remote Control, the Android app which turns your phone into a remote, meaning you can get back to Real Housewives without even having to search under the sofa for the missing remote. Which is great since you've got no idea what lurks under there.
What Useless You Buggered Up: Got really really drunk.
The Solution: FFS, again? Next time you’re on your way out, play this hangover test game. It’s not ascientific by any means, but it does give you a number of drinks to abdide by. Hopefully, having that number in your head is the one thing you’ll remember as the night wears on and will force you home.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Taking Tech In To The Bath Is A Terrible Idea, But Here's How To Do It If You Must
We Spoke To The Teenage Girls Behind Tampon Run, Our New Favourite Period App
Ways You're Ruining Your Life Number 745: Replying To Your Boss's Email At 11PM
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
Picture: Matilda Hill-Jenkins
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.