This especially harrowing episode of Made In Chelsea starts with Spencer swimming about in a Hampstead pond with his top off. Some of us had started to think Spenny feared chestal judgement so much that he’d actually covered his torso with a tattoo of a light, unbuttoned summer shirt. Obviously the orgy taught him body confidence.
He’s accompanied by Andy, who is being as obnoxious about the joys of the outdoors as a middle-aged man who has gone on his first ever camping trip to celebrate his divorce. ‘Why would you swim in a pool when you’ve got natural lakes?!’ shrieks Andy. I think you’ll find that many lakes are artificial and constructed for agricultural or industrial use, Andy. Talk to Wikipedia if you don’t believe me. ‘You should write a song about that!’ says Spencer. Has Jack Johnson not already saved him the bother? Spencer is sad about being a ‘shit friend’ to Binky and admits he’s done ‘the wrong thing’, and waits for Andy to give him points for not being the world’s least self aware human being. Andy just tells him he’s like ‘a fat Tom Daley’.
Riley has a run in with Rosie, who warns her off Jamie Biscuits for Lucy’s sake, then gets a phone call from Biscuits who has got her number off Stevie. WEIRD. Biscuits asks her to go on a date later, and Riley doesn’t manage to fend him off. Biscuits returns to the bois in Ravenscourt Park where he’s shooting some B-Ball outside of the country club. ‘I haven’t played basketball since I was in my prep school firsts!’ honks Edo! Guess it was just too much of a time commitment after he became president of the Pheasant Worrying and Servant Chasing societies. Stevie describes his relationship with Riley as ‘a liddle thing that sort of fizzled out.’ Someone needs to slam dunk his face, or just stick him half way through the hoop and leave him there. But they’re all agape and aflutter about the news that Stevie might just be getting into Stephanie’s pants! Not a big deal, you guys! Spencer has been in there! Perhaps to redress the universal balance, Biscuits leaps for the ball and loses his truly heinous hat. Cheers, gravity.
Stephanie is telling Lucy and Binky about Stevie over brunch. ‘Have you had sex yet? Are you sure?’ asks a concerned Binky. And Lucy charmingly describes Riley as an ‘annoying cow’ because Biscuits likes her, and plans to fire her.
‘Because of Jamie, or because she’s bad at her job?’ demands Stephanie.
‘Both,’ lies Lucy. Dude, that poor woman has been following you around with a clipboard for weeks. She misses parties to acquiesce to your demands, and I’m pretty sure that a) you’re not paying her and b) when she’s slaving away you’re in the office pissing about on Twitter and Microsoft Paint.
Binky reveals Alex has been showering her with flowers and photos – one would hope Mytton would go for something a little more pricey and permanent, but there we are – and Lucy is demanding to know why she hasn’t seen Binky for a whole five days. Binky loses her mind. ‘We went on a dog walk the other day! Do you not think I have enough to deal with? Fucking hell.’ Lucy continues to inspire a deteriorating level of human interaction when she fires Riley for hanging out with Biscuits, and Riley quits anyway.
‘If anything happens with Jamie good luck! It will probably last about two weeks. And he’ll probably tell you he loves you.’ As parting shots go it’s probably not quite as brutal as Lucy wanted it to sound.
Cheska bumps into Spenny ahead of his big reunion with Binky, and complains that Binky has been ignoring her, and she sends Binky her love. One suspects Cheska’s version of love is like the one in the Old Testament – there’s a lot of shaming and smiting involved. Stevie plays ping pong with Stephanie, and by that I mean he picks her up and uses her to bat. Lucy, Andy and everyone else thinks Binky is an idiot for getting back with Alex, and Lucy reveals she fired Riley not because Biscuits asked her out but ‘because she said yes’. Lucy, Stevie and Stephanie are in front of you, dry humping. You can’t complain about your situation without at least remarking on the root cause.
Biscuits has hidden Riley away in Putney, at the toy shop bar. The date chat is pretty scintillating. We learn that Riley sees Biscuits as a chihuahua, Sam as a turtle and herself as a lion. ‘And Stevie is an owl!’ cries Biscuits, baffled but trying desperately hard to join in. And Spenny is trying to win back Binky as a pal, which is awfully dull but does demonstrate to us that DSTRKT has a restaurant section! Try the Aftershock pie! Tonight’s special is Snakebite En Croute! Spencer passes on Cheska’s message, and Binky goes Hulk Smash, again. ‘People hate Alex, but he’s MY DICKHEAD!’ she cries. If I knew Binky ‘in real’ she sure as sugar wouldn’t want to be friends with me right now…
Biscuits ambushes Lucy in his office. ‘You’re working? Doing what?’ ‘MY JOB!’ snaps Lucy, looking as busy and important as only a semi-professional internet solitaire player can. After Biscuits has spent some time poking her with a metaphorical stick, or candy cane, Lucy loses her mind. Phrases like ‘She’s my intern!’ and ‘I’m not a fucking robot!’ leap from her mouth in a curious monotone. Perhaps she’s short circuiting. ‘I’m going to have to find somewhere else to work now!’ Out of interest, Lucy, how much were you paying Biscuits to rent his office space? Was it more or less than you were paying Riley?
The episode highlight comes, as always, with Mark Francis, who is taking Binky shopping. ‘Just throw everything away and give it to the needy! I would never say you look bad, you just want everything to be new!’ Sometimes I fantasise that I have been implicated in a crime and put in a witness protection programme, and have been forced to abandon all my clothes, requiring a whole new wardrobe to go with my whole new life. I feel that Mark Francis would understand this better than anyone. Binks gingerly picks up a scarf. ‘Binky! That’s CHIC!’ exclaims Mark Francis, in joyful shock. He runs off for a celebratory Fabergé egg, or something, and Rosie warns Binky that something bad is about to happen. ‘I’m going to tell you something that is going to stress you out a bit; Cheska.’ We’re already on edge.
Elsewhere Lucy has turned up to meet Cheska and Fran. ‘ARE YOU BOTH DRINKING?’ she demands, as if she’d arrived to chair a meeting on observing the Amish faith. ‘I thought it was afternoon cocktails!’ wobbles Cheska, who must be at least three quarters of a bottle of Sauvignon down. Lucy becomes increasingly angry at an absent Binky, and Cheska leaves in tears. Louise arrives. ‘Cheska is a really… nice person,’ she says, meaningfully. WHAT IS GOING ON?
The bois are playing golf, which is horrific. If you thought his ‘b ball’ sartorial choices were bad, you’d want to get an eyeful of Biscuits’ tartan trousers. Perhaps he’s going to do some limited edition Candy Kittens shortbread packed with popping candy. And Spencer’s jaunty sweater and cap combo transform him into a giant, awful, human Accidental Partridge. ‘We’ve basically had sex,’ a smug Stevie murmurs, gesturing to Stephanie who is bent over a ball and frowning, which says it all.
We briefly see Toff, who has only returned to hear all about Riley’s toy shop, animal-themed date, and then Sam has a pardy, which gives Spenny an excuse to comb his hair out and pull it over his ears, making him look like a Beano character in the throes of a very angry episode. Alex arrives and everyone says ‘Boo! Hiss! GET OFF THE STAGE!’ At least, they do from their sofas at home. His hair is worse than it’s ever been before – it’s like a brown balloon animal which has been brought to life and then slowly yet brutally murdered.
Lucy and Stephanie are hissing at Riley, who is kissing Biscuits. Stephanie, you kissed Riley’s boyfriend first, you horrid, horrid hypocrite. ‘If they’re talking about me they can go fuck themselves,’ mutters Lucy darkly, which might be why Binky subsequently feels the need to say ‘Lucy, the world does not revolve around you,’ after La Watson attempts to stage a friendly intervention. She then tells Cheska: ‘Go fuck yourself’, so there’s that. ‘It’s very difficult when you feel everyone is ganging up against you,’ says Louise, with feeling, which might be why Binky buggers off back to Alex’s. Oh, this is a horrible way to limp to the end of the series.
Hero of the week
No-one acquitted themselves with anything approaching honour apart from Spencer, if you take his kindness towards Binky at face value, so let’s go for him. If he sticks to Andy’s advice, ’Just don’t have group sex afterwards’, for the rest of the series, he could become our new favourite. He will though, won’t he? He’s probably having group sex right now.
Villain of the week
Perhaps controversially I am going to pick Lucy for flouting every HR law in the land. Dude, you had your chance with Biscuits. Riley worked her face off for you, and she’s dealing with a broken heart because your friend cracked on to her boyfriend. You will never, ever, ever find another intern who will put up with all your mad, demanding bullshit. Unless you can get a number for that child Francis Boulle briefly hired a few series ago.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.