We would be the last people in the world to make light of Binky’s heartbreak but, as die hard Made In Chelsea fans, we cannot help but wonder what went down on the night that Spencer Matthews decided his good friend Alex Mytton needed to forget his troubles and enjoy some good old-fashioned group sex. Where the denizens of SW1-7 lead, we follow, and South West London’s trendiest poshos have already got us wearing enormous floppy hats, drinking Bloody Marys at 10am on weekdays and getting our busts cast in bronze. Obviously, the orgy is the* Great Gatsby*-themed pardy of tomorrow. So if we’re going to be as up-to-the-minute as our friends in Fulham, we’re going to need a few pointers. Once we’ve had these questions answered, we’ll be ready to put on an orgy fit for a king or, at least, someone who’s had Prince Harry at their club night.
What were the snacks?
All jokes about protein shakes aside, how do you feed the multiple people you’re about to sleep with? A few series back, everyone in MIC was stuffing their faces in build-your-own-sushi workshops. Sushi might make the perfect orgy snack. It has enough carbs to help everyone keep up energy levels for all that thrusting, but it’s unobtrusively bite-sized and a bit easier to nibble on than beans on toast. However, do you really want your hands to smell of fish before the orgy begins? Maybe it’s easier to just ring for Domino’s half way through.
Did Spencer provide robes and lotions?
Most fans of '90s comedy learned everything they know about orgies from Seinfeld. In The Switch, Jerry Seinfeld horrified and disappointed his friend George by announcing he was going to give a group sex sesh a swerve. 'To be an orgy guy, I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions,’ complained Jerry. Which makes us think Spencer is an orgy guy! What kind of robes and lotions does he have?’ Is it more comfortable to wear a light cotton robe for when you’re getting a little sweaty, or does the gentle embrace of thick toweling ease the muscle ache sustained after some prolonged double penetration? And are we talking fancy lotions? Your Miller Harrises and Penhaligons? Or is Spenny a cheapskate who slathers his orgy friends with Nivea?
Were the taxis pre-booked?
Seriously, how do you leave an orgy? We’ve all been to crappy warehouse parties where our mate abandons us to skulk in the corner getting felt up by a gurning idiot wearing a fez, and all we want to do is go home and have some toast. Do you anticipate that sitch by sorting something out with Uber on arrival? Or do you just stick around and fall asleep? No matter how awkward the orgy gets, we imagine it’s worth hanging about until morning just to see what goes on with Mytton’s bed hair.
What the hell were those rubber gloves for?
Pictures from the internet suggest the orgy took place in a carpeted sitting room with subtle décor – a beige carpet, white walls (possibly Farrow & Balls Foaming Climax), paint-by-numbers banker art and a pair of Marigolds on the table.
Now, we’re choosing to believe that before an orgy, it is vital to get every surface in your house as clean and germ-free as possible, and the Marigolds were used for this purpose, and this purpose alone. We are not even going to imply that there could be any innuendo contained within the phrase 'getting some Mr Muscle all up in your faucet’. If you’re planning an orgy, rubber gloves should only be used to maintain the cleanliness of your pipe work. Please do not use them as a rudimentary Femidom.
Did Spencer keep his shirt on?
We’ve seen Spencer Matthews on holiday, and we know that despite his impressive egg white omelette-eating regime, the chap is sometimes a little self-conscious about baring his upper body. Can one orgy with an unbuttoned shirt around one’s shoulders, or is it better to turn the lights down low and let the flesh flow? Maybe we’ll never know.
What was on the orgy playlist?
Our news editor remarked: ‘It’s hard enough to find music that two people agree on, let alone a group.’ As Wayne Rooney demonstrated, curating a playlist for any occasion is incredibly hard, so it must be pretty much impossible to make one that helps more than one person maintain a hard on. We like to think they listened to M83’s Midnight City on a loop, with the odd bit of Bastille thrown in.
Which orgy linens would Mark Francis approve of?
Every single Made In Chelsea style matter begins and ends with Mark Vandelli. While he may not have been a participant in the orgy, he would almost certainly have strong views about the appropriate colours, styles, fabrics and accessories for the bedroom. We reckon he would recommend something in Egyptian cotton from Italian linen legends Frette, and we found a nice kingsize winter snow goose down duvet on the John Lewis website for a mere 920 quid. But we suspect Spencer would go his own way, and get down on black satin sheets topped with a Spider-Man cover.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.