Horror movies are one of the best ways to turn a will-they-won’t-they into a they-are-and-they’re-doing-it-on-the-sofa. Case in point: when my boyfriend and I were on our first date, I had to review Halloween for a film website so after we’d had a few drinks in the pub, I was all, ‘Oh, I’ve got to go and watch *Halloween *and I hate horror films,’ and he was all, ‘Can I watch it, too?’ And then by the hour mark there was lots of snogging. A win all round, as they say in sport (I don’t think they say this).
So, here’s the top horror movies to casually stick on when you’ve got someone round who you really fancy and they, or you, suggest watching a film. It works especially well if a) you hate horror films and feel genuine fear, because you won’t need to stage jumping into them; and b) you’re both sitting on the same sofa while watching the film. Turn off the lights for extra va-va-voooooOHNODON’TGOINTHEBASEMENT.
I’ve also added in handy, and vaguely intelligent, things you can say about the film so they don’t think you’ve chosen it just so you can turn the lights off and snog them. Unless they’ve read this article. In which case, you’re busted.
Halloween
What it’s about? A madman stalks and butchers girls after school. Jamie Lee Curtis is a babysitter and he goes after her while wearing a really creepy mask.
Well, it’s the only one I can 100% vouch for, because it totally worked like a charm. Also, the jump-scares and general horror build with near-perfect timing - first you can set up shop in the opening, mildly creepy and stalkery bits where killer Michael Myers hides behind bushes and stares at Jamie Lee Curtis. Secondly, the first few killings really ups the ante and allows you to jump/move closer to each other, with a bit of accidental hand brushing and arm grabbing. Then the final denoument is actually quite shittifying (technical term, and why I didn’t get any more work from the film website in question upon writing the review), so feel free to totally jump on top of them.
Say: It’s really stood the test of time – but so shit that they kept going with the sequels. When Jamie Lee Curtis eventually dies, it’s so anticlimactic.
Don’t say: Is Michael Myers played by Austin Powers actor Mike Myers?
The Ring
What it’s about? If you watch a videotape doing the rounds, you get a weird phone call and then six days later you die. I’m not going to go into the specifics because it makes the backs of my knees go funny.
It’s a slow builder, so you can really get into the storyline before dissolving in a puddle of fear at the final scenes, which will ensure you’ll never look at a TV screen in quite the same way again. The best bit about The Ring is the in-between plot bits where Naomi Watts is driving around trying to solve the mystery; they usually kick in after something terrifying, so you can snog for a bit then get back to the film. It’s not too gruesome either, so you won’t end up feeling too sick to bonk.
Say: A lot of people say the Japanese original is better, but actually Ringu has dated quite badly. The remake is a lot scarier, and cleverly plotted.
Don’t say: Is this a true story?
READ MORE: Here's The Real, Chilling Story That Gone Girl Is Based On
Suspiria
What it’s about: Uber-stylised, totally psychedelic classic Italian horror movie where a young dance student joins a ridiculously sinister dance school. It’s dubbed, but the main character does actually speak English, so they dubbed her voice over the top of herself. Look, it’s a very odd film, but give it a go.
This is the only film that made me cry because I was so scared, but don’t let that put you off – as I said in the opening paragraphs above, I really don’t like horror movies. The good thing about this movie is that it’s essentially one big tensefest with a few well-placed ‘WTF, I’M CRYING’ (if you’re me) showdown sequences, one involving barbed wire. So, basically, you can spend the whole time hiding behind a pillow, then hiding behind them, then hiding inside their mouths while you get down to some makin’ out action. Plus point – if you don't like the admittedly batshit style, that works as a flirty talking point after the credits roll (‘It was a bit cartoonish for me. Coffee?’) while languidly cupping your boobs etc, etc.
Say: People don’t make movies like this anymore
**Don’t say: **It’s not very realistic, is it?
The Cabin In The Woods
What it’s about? part parody, part homage to the horror genre, The Cabin In The Woods is about a group of hot teens who go to a cabin in the woods.
As funny as it is clever as it is scary, this film has literally everything. This means there’ll be parts that won’t scare you, because horror is subjective, and parts that will – providing the perfect platform for lunging, or comforting the person you hope to soon make your husband/wife. Jump-scares to dive into each other, tense bits to creep behind pillows, and the best use of splitscreen I’ve ever seen in a scary movie. There’s also some sexual tension involved, which you can mirror. And werk.
Say: This is so funny!
Don’t say: I’m really confused, what’s going on? Is it supposed to be serious? This is weird.
Insidious
What it’s about? There’s an evil presence in the house, but it turns out that it’s not just the house that's haunted. Yeah, that’s right.
Basically this is schlocky, and quite mainstream, and also there are loads of ‘IT’S BEHIND YOU’ moments. Alongside ‘IT’S ON THE CEILING’ moments. As well as ‘THERE’S MORE TO THIS HAUNTING SITUATION THAN MEETS THE EYE’ moments. Neither of you will hate it, so you can concentrate on laughing at when the other jumps out of their skin, or hypothesising on what the twist will be. It’s fairly consistent in pace – ‘AAAAH!’ and relax, ‘AAAAH!’ and relax – which lends itself well to snogging breaks. You don’t really have to concentrate on the plot, to be honest.
Say: This is, like, an homage to Hammer horror. It’s traditional, but also quite modern.
And ones not to watch:
Carrie
Avoid this, because nobody feels hot after watching a girl get her period in a shower, get told, ‘AFTER THE BLOOD COME THE BOYS.’ And the final jump-scare is so terrifying that you’ll probably end up wetting yourself. So, all in all, not a super-sexy option.
The Exorcist
Again, nobody wants to have sex when they’ve just seen a possessed girl throw up in a man’s face after knocking one out with a crucifix. Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert.
The Others/Signs/Any M Night Shyamalan film
Invariably one of you will end up liking it (I’ve still not quite got over when my boyfriend said he really enjoyed The Village) and instead of getting it on, you’ll spend the whole two hours either really bored or pointing out how good the dramatic tension is, and why the other person is just jumping on the M Night Shyamalan-hating bandwagon, because they aren’t capable of forming their own opinions. This is in no way based on personal experience.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.