It starts with a run, and an alarming looking Spencer who appears to be trolling us using his own clothes. ‘Ha!’ he tells us, ‘You were bothered by my Del Boy bombers? My tidal wave of sticky fringes? My poorly planned S3 snood? Well, check this, bitches! I’m wearing a flesh-coloured sports vest in a sort of anaemic ombre? What you gonn’ do? Whachoo go DOOOO?’ Spencer is also getting Carson to listen to his claims that he ran ‘a couple’ of New York marathons. Surely if Spencer has ever run before, it was only after a waitress in a low-cut blouse bearing a plate of mini burgers? There’s a chance he’s a marathon man, but then there’s also a chance that Kylie really is the auntie of Hannah, my best friend from Year 3, and definitely signed my Kylie tape herself despite misspelling the word ‘Kylie’.
Spenny is pumping Carson for tips on boning Billie, but Carson has marked his card – partly because it’s obvious that he’s up to no good. ‘Whatever Spenny does, he’s plotting. He’s like Guy Fawkes,’ observes Biscuits. It’s an interesting observation. Spencer slides smarmily and sleazily between sordid situations, and is unlikely to blow himself up because of his raging political passions. However, I’m willing to bet that come November, wags will be making cloth figures in Spenny’s image, soaking them in petrol and chucking them on bonfires.
In his fabulous continuing homage to Eloise and Diana Vreeland, Mark Francis shops so much that he almost reduces Binky to tears, and then is reduced to tears himself when Binks hails a taxi rather than waiting for a driver to take her home. Mark Francis is also plotting, but he’s after a ‘significant order of bespoke leather’. One suspects MF’s ‘significant’ is everyone else’s ‘the cows are extinct, now. It’s a great tragedy, yes, but Mark does have some beautiful coats.’
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Luckily Binky can hook him up with a fellow leather lover, Louise’s squeeze Alik. Louise is currently being squeezed by Alik, who has invited her into his leather warehouse, neglecting to mention that he also sleeps in there. Louise pretends to be bothered for about 45 seconds, and then the leather makes her come over all sexy. ‘I just see your drum kit and I have to perform, and be creative,’ she sighs, tapping the sticks together and then going for it, like Animal from The Muppets if Animal from The Muppets had a heavy Xanax issue and had just been shot with a tranquiliser dart as he ran away from a pharmacy he had attempted to loot. They have sex, we assume, over the ad break, and they’ve managed to mop themselves up by the time Mark arrives and commissions a delightful jacket made of dark cobalt leather, deaf to Binky’s demands that he make him a pair of tiny leather jeggings.
Mark is horrified to hear that Rosie has been on a cake-based assignation with Jules. ‘He TOOK her on a DATE to EAT BISCUITS?’ And when he hears that Jules described himself as a ‘lesbian trapped within a man’s body’, he looks as though he might never shop again, due to distress. No one mentions the fact that Jules described himself as ‘a man of principle’ but Alik mentions the many, many other current girlfriends Jules has. The gang mutually conclude that Rosie is probably not cut out for a life of polyamory.
Billie is bullied by Lucy and Riley who are horrified that she is still dating Spencer and Stevie. ‘You can date who you want, of course!’ says Lucy, with her mouth, while saying ‘Skanky skank slut face whore yank staying over here and sleeping with our menfolk.’ Undeterred, Billie goes on a date with Spenny, where he orders a range of ‘tasting champagne’ (and would it be in bad tasting to suggest that it might be worth Billie’s while to send them all off to a lab for analysis before drinking?) ‘I’ve obviously got us some caviar, too,’ smarms Spenny. ‘Do you like caviar?’ Spenny’s ostentatious displays of wealth clearly take priority over checking what Billie is actually into. ‘I’m sceptical,’ admits Billie, arms folded, as Spencer plays his ace. He remembers his GCSE French and he is not afraid to use it in restaurants. ‘I’ve changed,’ protests Spencer. ‘Has anyone ever told you your hands are laughable, but in a cute way?’ You can picture Spencer in the Pink BIC meeting. ‘We need lovely tiny pens for ladies with lovely tiny hands! It’s a no brainer! We can print money!’ He goes in for a kiss, and Billie doesn’t resist. Possibly because she cannot push him away with her tiny lady hands.
Spencer texts Biscuits, possibly from under the table, while snogging, and Biscuits tells Stevie immediately. Spencer feels he is hashtag winning. ‘I’m fairly confident,’ he tells Proudlock as they try on an astonishing array of twatty hats, each more ridiculous than the last. If you ever feel a little angry after an excursion down the Kingsland Road, watch the clip of Spencer gurning in the mirror, wearing a hat, and be glad that they’re far away. However, Carson, our ginger prince, has the final say, and he’s urging Billie towards Stevie. ‘Who’s the most passionate kisser?’ he asks her, in the park. She does a stonking coy Diana face and then whispers Stevie’s name like it’s a perfume ad ident. Huzzah!
Sensible Stevie has also decided that he doesn’t want to wait around for Billie to choose. If she wants to date Spencer, he doesn’t want to date her. I think the only advantage to dating the same person as Spenny is if you’re a student of the Royal College Of Tropical Diseases, but there we are. Fortunately the gang have a baseball game to attend, so they can pledge their love for each other over a load of jokes about bases, going all the way and home runs. Double huzzah! Less cheerily, it looks like Bad News Bears for Jules and Rosie. She told him, in no uncertain terms, that she wants no part in his ‘slutty board games’. Come on Rosie, Slutty Board Games sound BRILLIANT! Are you sure we can’t tempt you to some Sexy Snakes and Lusty Ladders? No? Oh, well then. However, the overarching message of this episode is definitely as follows: IN YOUR FACE, SPENCER MATTHEWS. IN YOUR BIG, POSH FACE.
Hero of the week:
It’s got to be cutie Carson for laying it on the line for Billie and getting her to sort her feelings out, and for stacking the odds in Stevie’s favour. Carson seems like a man of genuine integrity, and that’s rare among this lot. Can we put together a Kickstarter and put him on a plane to Chelsea? We’re going to need him around next series…
Villain of the week:
Bloody Jules. Surely the first rule of polyamory is, unlike Fight Club, you tell absolutely everyone you might hope to sleep with that you sleep with lots of people? Jules can’t go around describing himself as a ‘man of honour’ when he’s failed to be honourable and honest from the get-go. And I know quite a few lesbians who would take issue with a straight man co-opting their sexuality. Boooooo!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.