It doesn’t matter what day of Christmas it is, Mark Francis can always be relied upon to shop for FIVE GO-OLD RINGS! ‘People think it’s the season of giving when really, of course, it’s the time to receive,’ he coos to Victoria, who suddenly realises MF isn’t going to give her a bff diamond knuckleduster and pouts like Buble on Boxing Day. Toff, Sam, Biscuits and Mytton are getting down to some festive baking, Alik and Louise are toasting each other over roasted meats and party hats - and only Spencer is bringing some reality to ‘reality’, presenting a golden, sprawled Lauren with champagne and gifts while murmuring ‘I can’t believe it’s…nearly Christmas!’ Just three speedy weeks to go!
Tiff has started to feel guilty about being mean to Sam, even though she clearly isn’t bothered by the fact that she hasn’t bought any presents for anyone yet. (Lucy is clearly quite miffed about this - not about Sam, but about knowing she will be adding to her drawful of unused Sanctuary body scrubs because of Tiff’s thoughtlessness.) More shockingly, Lucy lets slip that Spencer was flirting with her at an American Football game. ‘Spencer said “What would I have to do to get back with you?”’ she reveals - although we think he might have been asking her where the merch stand was. ‘What would I have to do to get a quarterback shirt or two?’ Even though she invited her newly coupled up ex-boyfriend for one and one hanging out time - totes inappropriate, in my book - she takes the moral high ground. ‘I feel like she’s made a mockery of me in a way,’ Lucy pouts. Dude, no-one else in the world has ever, ever been so upset about one high five. It wasn’t even real! It was a hypothetical five.
Stevie manages to make the simultaneously poshest and least posh statement of the season (‘None of us has ever gone truffle hunting before….so let’s make it a Christmas tradition!’) and Josh tries to lad it out and claim that Stephanie’s permanent presence in his flat ‘Just sort of happened.’ He also doesn’t know what to get her for Christmas. Which means he’s probably going to present her with a giftwrapped box with a key he had cut for £3.29 at Timpsons. Hurrah for romance!
Mummies Felstead and Thompson take their respective daughters for champagne, and we learn that Alik and Louise are off to Bali for Christmas, but that Fran might be homeless because Binky has asked her to move out. Lauren and Spenny are also jetting off to foreign climbs in December - Spencer has got her a plane ticket to St Barths. ‘My Christmas present to you is…in installments,’ he murmurs. Sexy. I think Lauren is just relieved that she hasn’t been presented with a series of individually wrapped Legos. Also, where does Spencer get a paper boarding pass? Why has he not given her a crumpled printout with an e-confirmation? The rich are different, or at least, fancier with their paperwork.
Rosie, wearing a coat made from about seven kinds of fur, is ambushed by Andy while she’s trying to buy her festive poultry. ‘What are you doing here?’ she scowls.
Andy is nonplussed. ‘Came to buy a…’ he pauses, and tries to work out the nature of the shop he has just entered. ‘Turkey. Are we OK?’ The butcher, who is presumably not a fan of the show but despo for a bit of telly time, interrupts to say ‘I’ll just put some bacon over the breasts for you.’ FNARRR. The pair grudgingly, passive aggressively make it up. ‘There’s no point having any animosity between us. I don’t want bad vibes on my turkey,’ mutters Rosie, while the butcher, who really hasn’t cottoned onto the fact that he is basically a prop, adds ‘No! This is a very happy turkey!’ Rosie leaves, and Andy remains to deal with the fact that he is now obliged to buy a very big bird.
It’s time for Biscuits’ Twisted Christmas (on a side note, might pitch a festive product called Twisted Christmas Biscuits - a Curly Wurly with a shortbread element. Bet that would go down well - ) and Spencer is topless, silver, and suddenly having to deal with an angry big Watson sister in a giant fur collar. ‘I hear you think I still like you, or something. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t fancy you. I’m a very kind of sexy joke guy,’ he claims, as Lucy accuses him of a litany of bad behaviour. She doesn’t believe him. ‘If I’d have gone for it, it would have happened.’ Yawn. He does keep saying ‘Newsflash!’ before hitting Lucy with some non news. Zoolander could have been a documentary about Spenny, were it not for the humble coal mining beginnings. When Lauren turns up in an even bigger fur collar, it’s game over for Lucy, who makes to high five Lauren and then pulls the classic ‘Down below! You’re too slow!’ move. Classy.
Sam is still trying to work out how to win back Tiff, with the help of Louise and Alik. It’s worth pointing out that he’s topless, Louise is in her pyjamas and Alik is dressed as some kind of giant wolf. It’s the Little Red Riding Hood that you’d George Foreman your own eyeballs to avoid watching. It’s all in aid of Twisted Christmas (which looks exactly the same as Biscuits’ weird playroom pardy. Why waste a good cozzie, eh? Especially when you have to come in under budget or you’re going online only.) All the boys at Twisted Christmas are topless, apart from Stevie - but the effect is about as sexy as those adverts for baths with doors in them. It might not be near real Christmas, but it is Winter - good luck getting a cab at the end of the evening, chaps!
Lucy doesn’t go to the party, because she has buggered off in a sulk, and Louise takes it upon herself to find Lauren and tell her all about the kissing.
’It’s annoying that I’m still getting shit for the rep I always had. It sucks,’ moans Spencer before turning around and discovering that his girlfriend is about to rip up her St Barths ticket. Although if I was seeing with someone who slept with my best mate, my sisters and my Mum and then shat in my hair, I don’t think I would have enough willpower to turn down some long haul first class air travel. Anyway. Lauren looks sexy and sulky, Spencer gives her ‘I lied that one time but I shall never lie again!’ spiel, and she briefly beams and does not log onto boots.com to cancel her order for 20 bottles of Ambre Solaire.
Sam, who has mercifully put a jacket on, tries again with Tiff who shuts him down. (‘It’s easier for me not to see you.’) Let that be a lesson, young Thompson, that really, really wanting something doesn’t mean you can have it, unless the thing you want is winning X Factor. Louise and Andy have a fairly forced reconciliation, Binky bumps into Will so as to say ‘So, Fran, worra bitch!’ and Will gamely defends her, presumably because he hopes for inclusion in Series Nine. But happily, Stephanie is taking Josh to LA, and our prediction came true! Josh has given Stephanie the gift of keys! There’s no box, or hilarious key ring - but if we come out of the series with one functioning MIC couple we have done much, much better than usual.
Villain of the series
It’s very hard to work out who was the worst of the worst, but little Sam Thompson is possibly the baddest of the bunch, because he hurt Tiffany badly, and repeatedly. And he made women all over the country wonder if there was something wrong with their eyes, because they couldn’t quite work out why he’d managed to get with one woman, let alone three. Fran Newman-Young is a strong contender for being perpetually present when there was trouble afoot, and basically being prepared to sell her soul for screen time.
Hero of the series
I never saw this coming, but Series 8’s shining beacon of ethics and propriety is someone who has been with us for a very long time - let’s hear it for Rosie Fortescue. Rosie has been a good, consistent friend, and always made brilliant knitwear choices. Highly commended is Josh, for making Steph so happy, and Mark Francis, just for being his screen lighting, sparkling self when we need him the most.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
MIC 8.8 - There’s A French Trip, Sam Makes A Slip, And We’ve Had Quite Enough Of Andy’s Lip
MIC 8.9 - Is Spencer’s love cursed, or will Stephanie wreck it first? AND FRYTTON ARE THE WORST!
MIC 8.10 The Big Bois Are On The Town, Sam Makes Everyone Frown And Stephanie Puts Lauren Down
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.