When is the worst time to talk about how horny you are? Is it A) At school during Parents’ Evening, B) During a friend’s intervention or C) When you’re having lunch with your girlfriend and her mum? Alik is going for option C, with bonus points for banging on about the sexy qualities of oysters. ‘I meet a lot of parents, and you’re the best, with your cooking, and your laugh,’ he crawls to Karen “mummy” Thompson. Alik, if you go up any further you’ll meet Karen’s proctologist. Everything looks pretty cosy, which might be more than we can say for Karen’s other offspring and his new crush. Sam and Tiffany have a smooch before Tiffany asks just why Sam has been up tweeting his love for ‘some girl’ in the early hours of the morning. Sam, do you know what Twitter is? If you can’t understand the basic difference between a tweet and a text message, you don’t deserve love.
Josh takes Stephanie on a brilliant, money-saving date where they go into a florists to look at flowers, and he doesn’t actually have to buy any to give to her, when Stevie walks past and spots them snogging. Most people would avert their eyes and quicken their pace, but Stevie actually presses his face to the window like a puppy who has seen a succulent delivery person walk up the drive with a parcel. And Andy doorsteps Louise, who tells him off for being an arse and stirring stuff up at dinner. ‘I want you to be happy,’ pouts Andy, who is at this point a less convincing agent of happiness than a knife-wielding psychopath who spends the summer touring fetes and slashing kids’ bouncy castles.
Andy and Stevie are united in anger, as Stevie plots to ‘have a chat’ with Stephanie and Josh for having the audacity to find love and happiness. The couple are dreamily oblivious and plan a double date with Alik and Louise. Well, it’s more of a competitive snog off. Which couple will have sex under the table first? ‘I love you guys as a couple,’ gushes Josh, as Andy slips a protective hand under Louise’s jacket. One supposes that after last week’s dinner of doom, all food-based exchanges need to be light and cheerful, but I do miss the days of double dates from hell where everyone at the table had shagged everyone else. Worse still, the restaurant is called MASH but there is no delicious potato to be seen.
Mark Francis is gloriously and predictably oblivious to all of this, and has taken Victoria to rummage in the world’s poshest junk shops. ‘I want an octagonal cabinet de curiosite!’ he purrs. The rest of us have clear plastic tubs from Wilko’s that we keep our old towels in. Mark Francis has designed an eight-sided box of posh, presumably to be filled with Fabergé Eggs and Ferrero Rocher. But then he also wants a stained glass window, and to be Napoleon without the Napoleon complex.
Andy goes for a workout with Josh, presumably to strengthen himself for dropping all the truth bombs, and claims that fixed weights remind him of ‘some sort of sex game’, which makes the rest of us keen to avoid being left alone in a room with him ever. Sam tells Toff about the tweet that upset Tiff – the girl slept in his bed but did not, as Biscuits delicately puts it, ‘fall on his penis’. We still suspect Tiff won’t be pleased. And Stevie and Stephanie have a moody meeting by an atmospheric bandstand where the rain falls on cue, and Stevie finally seems to accept that not all romantic relationships are designed to spite him.
Biscuits has a ‘play pen’ themed pardy, and in classic baffling Chelsea fashion, every boy there has seen the theme and thought ‘that must mean A Clockwork Orange’. Dancing girls descend from the ceiling, and Victoria incurs Mark Francis’ perma-wrath by suggesting that he might be good at hula hooping. ‘How dare you?’ he splutters, suffocating with old fashioned moral fury at the idea of making a living with his hips. Hula hoops are reserved for his cabinet de 101.
Tiff is predictably furious when she learns the truth about Sam’s sleepover – not because of the sleeping but because Sam told Toff first. Lucy turns up and is so brutally icy and dismissive that it would have been more pleasant for Sam had she repeatedly slapped him about the face with an arctic roll. Josh’s chat with Stevie is even worse. ‘You only took her on a dog walk because you wanted to get into her pants,’ hisses Stevie, who is not going to win Stephanie back ever if he talks about her pants like she’s not currently standing in front of him, wearing them.
More successfully, Rosie calls Andy out for his rudeness, meanness and sneakiness, and the message appears to be penetrating with slightly more success. All Louise really has to do is stand and applaud. Rosie could make a fortune hiring herself out as an independent argument adjudicator – like an informal lawyer for when you’re having a fight with your friend and you know you’re in the right. In fact, I can’t believe they have invented Uber but as yet there is no app that does that.
Hero of the week
It’s got to be Lucy Watson for taking care of big sister business brilliantly, and letting Sam know that he doesn’t stand a chance of happiness if he’s going to mess Tiff about. Lucy, will you adopt us all?
Villain of the week
If it’s not Alik, who spent the first part of the episode cracking on to his girlfriend’s mum, it has to be Stevie, who has decided that if he can’t be happy, he’s going to ensure that everyone else is miserable. Also, he’s scuffing up the windows up and down the King’s road and isn’t even wiping them with a hanky. Finally, the ultimate villain has to be the humble but hated hula hoop. Destroy them all!
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.