The gang have gone to Venice and you’ll be happy to hear that no matter how many stagnant bodies of water Spencer stands next to, he’s still an 'asshole' in the eyes of Stephanie Pratt. Spenny’s other exes feel much the same way, which begs the question: why the hell are they all on holiday with him? This is clearly going to end up as an extended feature-length DVD extra entitled Carry On Giving Each Other The Side Eye Until Someone Shows Spencer Her Bazoingas. Lucy points out that he’s now made the trip all about himself even though he was only invited because Erik wasn’t quite smart enough to interrupt his transparent enquiries with: ‘Scuse me, must go to the toilet.'
However, Erik’s aesthetic analysis skills are as sharp as them come. 'Emma’s Spencer’s girlfriend, right?! She’s fucking hot, man!' Stephanie sniffs 'I bet she photographs well.' If this doesn’t end in Stephanie and Emma hitting each other with sticks while stood on separate gondolas, I’m writing an angry letter to Terry Wogan. Elsewhere, Emma is twisting the knife. 'It’s really weird, being on holiday with all the exes… of course, I’ve known Spencer for longer than any of them.' Emma, if you’ve known Spenny for seven years and he hasn’t made a concerted effort to sleep with you, he’s probably confused you with Jamie Biscuits and wonders why you keep changing your hair.
Binky’s Lament still rumbles on. To make her feel better, Mummy Felstead has transformed her bedroom into a hospital ward, to give those tears a real TCP tang. And Proudlock advises Alex to beg. 'If you do love her, fight for her.' Alex, if you do want to fight, I think that every man, woman and child in SW6 will be practising their right hooks on you.
Rosie runs in to Riley and her posh friend at the hairdressers and they all slag off Sam. Rosie is in her evil element. 'Sam said Stevie’s no competition, he can have you whenever he wants,' she reports, eyes gleaming. We all know that hearing Sam making such claims is like hearing Ol’ Gil from the Simpsons saying that today’s the day he’s gonna turn his career around. But Riley is distressed. Meanwhile, at the golfing range, Sam is channelling the full power of Richard Keys and Andy Gray to double down on his LADBANTZ! Until Riley texts Stevie and asks him out. Ha! In your face, Poindexter Sam!
Back in Venice, we suspect Spencer and Biscuits might be stoned. 'Man, I love Venice so much! I’m on a gondola with my best mate! There’s opera in the background!' enthuses Spenny. Surely it’s only a matter of time before he falls in the canal. However, his good mood is about to turn. “Are we paying for this?” He hisses to Biscuits, gesturing at the gondola. 'Isn’t it free? I thought this was just like walking, here.' Biscuits steers him towards the multiple lady dilemma. 'I don’t feel much guilt," he murmurs, sucking the arm of his sunglasses like a true heavyweight intellectual.
In record speed, Riley and Stevie have gone from talking about meeting up to actually meeting. They’ve skipped a whole six weeks’ worth of storylines! Do the producers know about this? Are they allowed? They spend the sunlit, dappled afternoon in the park talking about Sam until he actually shows up. He claims he was just passing – 'I was just walking down from the old shops, mate!' Yes Sam, keep talking like you’ve spent the day drinking on a golf course. That’s attractive. He doesn’t think much of their choice of hot beverage. 'You’ve gone for tea, eh? Let’s go for tea! Maybe coffee! Maybe sex!' Riley, you’ve chosen the wrong man and the wrong drink! Sam will have to reeducate you. Riley gently points out that ambushing an ex on her date and demanding sex from her proves every single bad bit of gossip she’s heard about Sam is true. Sam is unrepentant, claiming that Riley might as well go out with him because they have a history and 'it would be easier'. 'It’s best that we stay how we are,' says Riley sweetly, instead of flinging her tea in his face and shrieking 'FUCKING HELL, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?'
There’s a bitchy, baffling sequence in which Victoria and Sophie, sans Mark Francis, cycle on partially submerged bikes and predict that the Sexy Ex Gang are filthing up Venice with their normcore ways. 'I bet they’re eating spaghetti!' shrieks Sophie laboriously, before complaining about the exercise they’re undertaking. 'I only cycle in Amsterdam and the Maldives.' That has to be the poshest thing any human being has ever said, including every conversation Samuel Pepys ever had with his man servant about the appropriate use of wig shampoo. Binky, Rosie and co are similarly scathing of the neo-Venetians from the comfort of a spa. 'Why didn’t Stephanie just text him?' asks a technologically minded Binky, who is currently trapped in a text hell of Alex’s making. This eventually leads to Rosie reiterating that drunk men can’t maintain erections, while miming what is supposed to be a hard penis but appears to be a puppy with an exceptionally big head that has just run into a door. Rosie, have you even seen a willy?
Back at Venice, over spaghetti, natch, Erik is slagging off Spencer while sitting at the biggest table ever seen outside a regional sales conference. Stephanie talks about how much she hates him, Erik tells Spencer to break up with his girlfriends 'before you fuck other girls'. Stephanie tells him she is 'the devil in a clown suit'. Then Spencer offers her a Prada bag that looks like it was made in the beginners’ metalwork class at Wormwood Scrubs, so she sleeps with him - after she has compared the bag to a blood diamond. Stephanie, you’re not offering your body up to a warlord. You could just throw some spaghetti in his face and go to bed on your own.
The next morning, Biscuits has some important lines to remember. 'Is that orange juice fresh? Ly squeezed? By the way, Spenny slept with Stephanie.' Emma thinks this is 'fucking rude', clearly horrified that an American woman can turn up and have sex without having known someone for seven years first. Mark Francis turns up and he’s polite about Stephanie’s bag. 'So…studded!' Stephanie asks him if he’s ‘randomly’ in town, and he’s horrified. 'One never travels randomly. I must go to Bvulgari before they close.' We also learn Mark Francis never bothers buying a return ticket. Swoon.
Back in London Andy is very animated about Stevie’s date. 'What are you going to wear? Chinos?' Maybe Stevie needs some sort of armoured trouser, as Louise (has she sneaked back from Venice before everyone else?) engages Sam in a kind of council of war, telling him to fight for Riley’s love when she’d be better off explaining why we don’t treat girls like we’re collecting Top Trumps cards. Alex, his hair growing in direct proportion to his aura of defeated sadness, tells Proudlock that he still loves Binky and he’s 'not that kind of guy'. No, Alex, you’re not a cheater. Just a sweet, simple guy who cheats sometimes. Emma briefly attacks Spencer but saves most of her energy for Stephanie. 'We should TALK! You decided from the outset you disliked me! You were HOOKING UP with him! It seems to me that you really are quite messed up. You can have him.' That was easy.
Now back in London, Stephanie bonds with Binky, telling her 'You were the first person I disliked in London!' before implying that if Binky were to get back with Alex, she’ll be feeling the sharp end of Stephanie’s Blood Prada Bag. Louise sends Stevie a weird text, telling him he’s 'disloyal and pathetic', which doesn’t stop Stevie and Riley from going on a thrilling date in which we discover that she is from Canada and he is from South Africa. 'Did Sam ever get the call to come back to Canada?' hisses Stevie jealously. Well, Sam does always look like he has maple syrup around his mouth and needs dabbing with a hanky. And finally sad Alex texts sad Binky, and Binky texts back. NOOOOOO!
Hero of the week: Erik
I fear Erik won’t be sticking around for much longer so I’d better give him the big one – because we’d all quite like to give him a big one. He calls it how he sees it, and he looks like he’s about to go and star in a sexy film about Vikings with Robert Pattinson. He’s not afraid to shy away from dodgy dinner conversation, and he might be a deeply moral man but he would not begrudge poor, put upon, Spencer Matthews a free holiday. FIVE STARS FOR ERIK
Villain of the week: Sam
“When do girls ask people out?” asked baffled, spoiled Sam, confused as a two year old who wanted that one and didn’t understand why he wouldn’t be getting that one. If anyone is fearful for the future of feminism they need only look at Sam, who is showing a nation of teenage boys that if you treat women the way he treats Riley, everyone will hate you and laugh at you. If anyone asks you for sex in a park, throw your drink in their face and run away because it’s probably Sam and he’ll probably want to write you a poem afterwards.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.