Holy crap, you guys, it’s finally back; Made in Chelsea, the West London version of Lord Of The Flies is beaming straight into your living room tonight at 10. We’ve already had a few little teasers of what to expect. For starters, there was that ace promo trailer that featured the gang as children. In the REAL trailer, though, there's already the suggestion that Jamie’s gone rogue and skirt chaser-y again – a mere week after confessing to Lucy that he loved her. Plus Mittens, MITTENS of all people, tells Binks that there have been rumours he’s been cheating on her – and, as everyone knows, in Made In Chelsea speak that means he’s already done the bad deed – probably with Niall from One Direction.
Here’s what we’re hoping for from this series.
Mittens dumps Binky and takes up with Mummy Felstead.
Despite seemingly having her daughter’s best interests at heart, squiffiness overtakes sense and, after a few too many glasses of vintage Merlot, Mummy Felstead lunges at Mittens while Binky’s off writing her beauty blog for the Mail. The two move in together, but Mummy Felstead continues on with her role as mentor explaining to a sobbing Binky, ‘Darling, you simply mustn’t let boys treat you like this.’
The Battle of Victoria and Cheska spills over into an all out turf war
Anything East of King’s Road belongs to Cheska, anything West to Victoria. Sandbags line the streets of Notting Hill and small children in boater hats ferry coded messages through the newly dug trenches in Kensington Gardens. Mark Francis, face obscured with a Hedi Slimane snood, takes up a sniper position atop Fortnum & Mason, while Victoria’s weird mate Sophie cowers under her Hermes bag to avoid the friendly fire emanating from what was once Mahiki.
Louise becomes a medical miracle
After two years of solid crying, Louise Thompson becomes the subject of much medical speculation after a scan reveals that whereas her body was once made up of 60% water like everyone else, her fluids levels have now reached an all time low of 2%. Confined to a room behind a two-way mirror in Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, she’s now used as a teaching case to study the effects of lack of hydration.
Jamie get his Dorian Gray moment and everyone realises he actually does a lot of bad things
What a shock Proudlock got when he looked at that old painting of his, Francis and Jamie's faces merged together. While the Proudlock and Francis sections remain intact, Jamie Laing’s once yellow hairline has greyed and dirtied beyond recognition. In horror, Proudlock destroys the painting just as Jamie walks through the door. Proudlock then watches in disbelief as Jamie's once charming features twist into those of a haggard old man, a man who no longer possesses the power to shag about willy nilly and be forgiven with one cheeky flash of his pearly whites. In brief, The Lost Boys are officially disbanded.
Andy forgets about Louise and finally finds his niche
Andy can’t believe his luck when international superstar Jack Johnson drops him a line and asks him and his acoustic choons to join him on tour. Cut to three years later and Andy’s a total fucking LEGEND on the beaches of Koh Phangan. With his song *Whole Lotta Water *blasting out of every beach hut, he’s happy to paddle contentedly in the water, sipping on his Red Bull bucket safe in the knowledge that he's personally soundtracked a hundred thousand gap yahs.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.