The question de jour is this – would you eat food prepared at Alex Mytton’s house? The sexual Stromboli, the orgy oligarch, the grand Poohbah of pumping – one presumes his surfaces are going to be a bit genital. We don’t know what his surfaces are smeared with, but we suspect that Dettol won’t shift it. With that in mind, is it really sensible for the CDWM producers to pick Mytton as a host? Not to worry. His festival themed pardy is at his Mum’s in Surrey.
Still, Alex is doing his best to gross it up, with Portaloo Pil Pil prawns (and an actual Portaloo on the drive, to his Mum’s abject horror.) ‘It only has four ingredients,’ sniffs Louise, who is now coming off the invite list for my pasta ‘n’pesto dinner party. Toff is more cheerful about it, maybe because she likes prawns or perhaps because she is channelling John Travolta in Pulp Fiction and wearing a bolo tie. It’s impossible to be sad in a bolo. She also brings a bottle of what appears to be Turning Leaf chardonnay, £5.99 at all good, slightly frightening off licenses. We’re loving Toff today. Biscuits rolls out of a helicopter, lightly scuffing his Guccis and we’re good to go, although it’s a shame that Mytton has to serve his prawns immediately after an advert for lungworm.
Toff is mildly horrified that the prawns still have ‘a bit of poo up the bot bot’, Louise informs us that one should ‘typically leave 15 minutes between starter and main’ – good to know – Biscuits gets naked in a Portaloo, natch, and Alex’s mud pie – made by his Mum while Alex fixed his quiff – saves the night and scores him 22/30. A strong start for someone who served his guests a faeces themed starter with actual faeces in it.
Toff is next and she’s making beans on toast, student pasta and jelly and ice cream. Hurrah! Only this is actually a posh and baffling code for blinis with caviar, lobster and champagne jelly. Toff looks at the gelatine with the sort of confused contempt you’d expect her to reserve for the sale rail at Karen Millen. She has to open the caviar tin with a two pence coin ‘But I don’t really have any two pence coins.’ Maybe she uses a sword - Louise is about to employ a man in ceremonial robes to open the champagne with the sort of device that ageing male virgins like to keep wall mounted next to their boxed Sonic figurines. Despite the fact that the gang are not overly impressed (Biscuits: ‘Asparagus is a rarer dish [than lobster]. Someone says to me 'where is asparagus' I don't know! Someone says where's lobster - in the sea!’) no-one actually leaves half way through and Toff gets 21/30.
Louise next, who like ET, has got little legs – she says that the sheer standing is a bit ‘tiring’ and gets Binky to come over and help her make Beef Wellington. Sadly Binks sees the microwave and is lost to its shiny buttons forever. The door opens, the light comes on – you’ve got to admit it’s impressive. ‘We don’t have any champagne flutes so we’re drinking out of bone china!’ coos Louise. I suspect there are plenty but Lou just wants to be a bit kooky. To her horror, the chat turns to farts, Mytton introduces us to the expression ‘to leak off a few’ but all the Wellington still gets eaten, leaving Louise in the lead with 24.
Biscuits is last, and predictably, his party has some kind of sex theme. He poisons everyone with his oyster/raw quails egg starter, he’s ‘helped’ by a team of cheffing Candy Kittens and makes a giant Knickerbocker glory in a vase (Louise: ‘Knickers, eughhh!’) Biscuits is sad that people wouldn’t eat his inedible food – ‘people should say they like it, it’s rude!’ but his black cod goes down slightly better, even if Mytton gives it the worst disappointed posh boy slam, claiming he’s used to eating it ‘in quite fine restaurants’ and Biscuits’ efforts aren’t sufficiently impressive. Still, Biscuits has entertainment too – the Kittens are back, doing a raunchy can can in fluro nu-rave tutus. This is apparently because the theme is Moulin Rouge. Or is it the second series of Skins in 2007?
Happily, the giant vase dessert is too filling for anyone to have the energy for an orgy so Louise is crowned the winner. ‘I feel pretty epic!’ she beams, while someone at Money Supermarket grits their teeth and resentfully writes her a check for £17.50. Our appetites are now whet for the start of the new series. It is going to be the televisual opposite of undigested prawn poo!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.