MIC 8.6 Louise Might Be A Sinner, Josh Is A Chelsea Dating Beginner, And Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?

In which everyone is terribly behaved


by Daisy Buchanan |
Published on

Does love not live in Chelsea any more? If Louise and Alik are our best examples, it may have vacated the premises forever. We see Louise looking stricken, while clinging on to many expensive cushions – as if she heard someone saying ‘It’s curtains for Alik and Louise!’ and then gone to a soft furnishings department to buy some, only to be swizzed by a very unhelpful sales associate. Rosie rolls by to offer support, while Stevie and Andy give Alik a pep talk. ‘I feel like I’m literally watching myself,’ claims Andy, who is literally worse at using the English language than a dog that just shat on a dictionary.

Against all odds, Sam is experiencing some romantic success with Tiff, having brought her up to United Biscuits, sorry, Candy Kittens HQ, to say ‘When Jamie isn’t here, I’m the boss, I’m like the VP.’ Tiff is unconvinced, and even less convinced when Biscuits rolls up with Toff in tow. Let’s face it, being Biscuits’ deputy is less impressive than being second in command to the Hamburglar’s holiday cover. Tiff is so desperately uncomfortable at being spotted that you’d think she had her mouthful of stolen strawberry bootlaces. She rushes to get ‘back to work’ after giving Sam a boner killing cheek kiss. Where does Tiff work? Based on her hauteur, chilly demeanour and extreme youth, I’m guessing a temp agency.

READ MORE: Lucy Watson: 'If I Could Give Spencer Any Advice, I’d Tell Him Not To Go Out With Anyone'

Mark Francis and Victoria go to Peter Harrington, a book shop so old and posh that you wonder whether every title comes with a butler to turn the pages and blow the dust off the cover. Victoria likes books. ‘It beats the tablets, which people read on public transport,’ she sniffs. Being illiterate is bad enough, but taking the bus? Goodness me, no. Mark agrees. ‘Reading something rechargable, it’s like telling people “I don’t have room for a library in my house.’” Come to my house, Mark! It’s made of library! You can sit on a chair made from old Sweet Valley Highs!

Josh and Stephanie go on a pre-date with Maggie the dog, which is a roaring success. This means A) it sucks to be Stevie and B) Josh and Stevie probably shouldn’t have both been invited to the same bois archery day. We’re briefly distracted by Proudlock delivering the clunkiest, most pelvic floor clenching metaphor that ever issued forth from a human mouth. ‘Have you hit the bullseye with Tiff yet? The bullseye? Did you hit it? Did you go kissy kissy with Tiffy Tiffy?’ ‘I have no idea’ what you’re talking about, replies Sam, speaking for all of us. But we do discover that Sam ‘didn’t know what kind of Watson she was going to be. Was she going to be joky, or like Lucy?’

Tiff is, like her sister, a frosty Watson. She’s lingerie shopping with Lucy and Stephanie, when Toff rolls in ‘to pick up my bits.’ Did Tiff snog Sam? ‘I HATE that word, I’m quite a private person, I don’t like people discussing what I do,’ she snaps, forgetting that she was on national telly moments earlier fingering a spiked collar. Toff is sweetly oblivious. ‘You should have another lunch date!’ ‘I WILL do!’ Poor Sam. Good luck with that lunch of spite.

Stevie claims that he’s a little awkward about Josh and Stephanie, but happy to let it progress and not about to use his archery kit to turn Josh into an effigy of Saint Sebastian. But when Stevie runs into Stephanie, he is, as she would put it, a perfect asshole. ‘I just think I am being a a little bit more respectful than you,’ he sniffs, forgetting that he left a trail of broken hearts on both sides of the Atlantic and all Stephanie has done is walk a man’s dog. ‘Ha! She obviously does care!’ he smirks, as Stephanie storms off, until Lucy holds him close and forces him to rearrange his face to match his feelings. Nice work, Watson.

Alik is having a hell of a time. When I was seven or eight, my sisters and I spent an afternoon enduring an ordeal called ‘The Hole In The Soap.’ One of my sisters kept ruining perfectly good bars of soap by hollowing out the centre as soon as they got squidgy enough. And no-one would admit to it. Eventually my parents staged a protracted enquiry, in the style of Senator McCarthy, until the hole maker broke down. I am reminded of The Hole In The Soap as a cold, relentless Alik quizzes Louise and her pals to force them to confess something – anything – that proves Louise did or didn’t do something wrong when she got drunk. Binky claims that Louise couldn’t have done anything wrong if she was watching Disney movies with the cheatee the next day, but that only makes Alik more furious. Personally, I think it depends on the movie. 101 Dalmatians – a fine platonic choice. The Lion King – Lou, you’re in trouble.

READ MORE: Why You Really Need To Re-watch All Of Dawson's Creek

Toff tells Sam that Tiff is a bit of a bitch, and Josh tells Stephanie that he doesn’t care if Stevie is going to be a Big Jerky Jerkerson, he’s still going to date her. It’s pretty sexy, actually. Andy has decided, at this time of unremitting SW discord, that it would be an excellent idea to invite everyone over for a fancy dinner party. For a joyful second, Alik is back on form – ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE POTATOES!’ he screams, like a man who has read too much Goop and knows Gwyneth would sooner that he made them into earplugs than put them in his mouth. Biscuits makes the worst, most inflammatory speech ever about friends and new relationships, when everyone around the table hates everyone else. Josh confronts Stevie who says to Stephanie ‘I think you never cared about me as much as you claim to have done,’ which is a bit much when they’re still on the starter. Proudlock turns up in a camo safari jacket and grandad hat, demanding whisky, which apparently is not remotely rude or unexpected. Andy is still on a mission to sabotage Alik’s relationship – ‘I think you’re in danger of being a complete mug, and I’m only saying it because I literally was that mug.’ That’s as maybe, but it’s like the president of the Carnivore’s Alliance leading a smear campaign against the courgette. Inappropriate.

Louise has a brief break, for weeping, and suddenly we’re back to screaming. Tiff gives Sam the most bored high five I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to the international ennui tournament – and then Toff pulls her up on her rudeness. Suddenly Lucy starts laying into her. ‘It is annoying to see someone younger than my sister being “Oh, hai! La la la la la,’” she whines, in a cruel but admittedly accurate and hilarious impression of Toff. Stevie is visibly delighted that everything is going so badly for someone else, and then Biscuits lobs his final conversational grenade at Alik and Louise. ‘We haven’t addressed one thing, the elephant in the room. Are you guys together?’

Alik is unimpressed. ‘I’m going to kill that fucking elephant,’ he mutters, before laying into Binky who calls him an arrogant twat. Cabs, guys? Call you a cab? No, use my Uber account, it’s fine, I don’t need cash. Alik and Louise exchange tearful ‘I love yous’ while Andy smirks ‘Her track record isn’t looking good, is it?!’ This is London’s smart set at its most spiteful. No one comes out of tonight well.

Hero of the week

Eeesh, it isn’t looking good for anyone. We have to give props to Josh for refusing to be cowed by Stevie’s strange and selfish MO, but I think the award goes to Mark Francis, the unlikely literacy champion. Read, kids. It’s chic.

Villain of the week

Oh, everyone can have one of these gongs. But I think the worst of the worst is Andy, for stirring up evil feelings in the name of friendship, and Biscuits, for stirring for entertainment. Biscuits also gets extra bad points for going out of his way to ruin Andy’s dinner pardy. Boooo!

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Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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