It begins at the London Rugby Sevens, with the bois in an array of bewildering, exotic fancy dress costumes, and poor old Stevie in a cheap Godzilla onesie, which was possibly given to the producers as a freebie from the hire company. Or maybe the reptilian hood was originally supposed to contain Mytton’s hair. Mytton has been banned from attending, by Binky, on account of all the booze and the bothersome presence of Spenny. Stevie is wearing his heart on the sleeve of his crappy costume. ‘I said I wouldn’t get attached, but I have,’ he says sadly, noting that Stephanie is due back to the States any day now. ‘Get a webcam!’ cackles Biscuits, surmising that Stevie isn’t going to be missing his Yank in a cerebral way. The rich are different. They have better connection speeds.
Elsewhere Andy almost skateboards over Louise’s foot. She is carrying an enormous red lobster, to ‘cook’ for Fordy. ‘I’m a bit worried because Fordy is a professional chef,’ she confides. No, Louise, most professional chefs earn very little money and work for about 20 hours a day. Fordy has, at best, done a season of heating up garlic bread in a chalet while waiting for his parents to put more money in his account so he can go skiing. You have nothing to worry about. Andy is more worried that Louise will want to bring her ‘skills’ to the country house pardy he has planned. ‘Don’t cook, you’ll kill us all!’ ‘I’d have hoped you’d have catering,’ rejoins Louise. Andy, Louise knows a lobster guy.
We learn that Riley and Lucy are making faltering attempts at a post Biscuits based friendship, and Biscuits still hasn’t apologised for being a total tool. Cheska and Fran suspect Binky doesn’t want to be friends with anyone, apart from the creatures that live in Alex’s hair, which has become so dense and forest-like that it cannot be contained by an enormous beanie hat. Unfortunately, the hat does not cover his beard. Most Big Issue sellers have higher grooming standards than Alex. His beard looks the way Binky feels. ‘I’m a fucking miserable, upset, paranoid nightmare, and this is not me. This is not who I am. You’ve made me into a miserable wreck,’ she explains. Alex sees the words ‘COWARD’S EXIT’ written in lights. ‘If your happiness means me walking away…’ he replies. Come on! Can we all text ‘BREAK UP’ to 80099?
Stephanie organises some emotional leaving drinks, and tells Lucy they will be ‘Best friends forever!’ I hope you can still get those special broken heart necklaces decorated with pictures of sad bears. Not best friends forever, however, are Lucy and Biscuits. Biscuits wants to have sex with Lucy so very badly that he can no longer talk to you. ‘I need to block you out.’ Lucy is so distressed that she can’t quite manage a cutting insult. ‘For you to shut me out now and not be friends with me is… really mean!’ Oh, well, if it’s mean, I’m sure Biscuits will reconsider.
In a worrying turn of events, Riley is hanging out with Sam, in his kitchen. ‘Now we’re like buds, best buds, we can chill properly,’ he grins. Riley, run. They’re hiding from Fordy, who is about to be wowed by Louise’s ‘home cooked’ lobster. Sam hears the door. ‘He’s here! HE’S HERE!’ he shrieks. Sam, Fordy isn’t going to try to win you over with a series of expensive presents. In fact, Fordy is pretty keen for Sam to make like a parfait and va-mousse. ‘Have you not got anything better to do? If we show you [what we’ve cooked], will you disappear?’ he asks hopefully. Yet Sam still struggles to take the hint. Eventually he leaves and Louise embarks upon some pretty clunky flirting. ‘Is it weird that you’ve met all my exes? Would you say you’re similar to Spencer?’ Yeah, Fordy! What’s the biggest number of Canadians that you have had sex with at the same time? ‘I have a moral compass,’ replies Fordy proudly. And it’s in his pants.
Spencer rings Alex, who still won’t see him, ostensibly because of Binky’s rules, but we’re fairly sure that, post orgy, Alex can’t close his eyes without seeing a close up of Spencer’s sweaty, heaving scrotum. Spencer is so sad that Lucy offers to be his mate. At this point in time it’s hard to work out who’s more desperate for pals.
Mark Francis is testing my love with all his might by insisting that nothing is more vulgar than ordering a glass of wine at a bar. First, he took my chips, and now this! However, he does manage to make a reference to ‘hand blown’ glasses while maintaining an entirely impassive expression while Victoria snorts into an Amaretto Sour. Stephanie and Stevie snog snottily, and back at Binky’s, Mummy Felstead is desperately trying to save her daughter from a life of full-follicled misery. ‘You are another strong woman who makes my life difficult. You shouldn’t turn your back on the whole situation!’ cries Binks. Dude, we love you, but stop talking shit to your mum.
It’s got so bad that Binky spends the duration of the country pardy impersonating Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, sulkily watching everyone playing croquet from an upstairs bedroom. ‘I can’t go down there. I see Cheska, Louise, Fran, Sam and Toff,’ she tells Alex. Bloody hell, if Binky has been usurped by Toff we should all be really, really worried.
Lucy and Riley arrive, and the bois pointedly refuse to help them with their bags. ‘Oh, yeah, thanks for inviting Lucy,’ sneers Biscuits at Andy. What was he going to say? ‘Sorry, Lucy, you can’t be in the finale because Jamie is a big petty idiot’? Let’s all blame Alex and Binky – Spencer reckons they’re at the root of everyone’s bad behaviour, and ‘rubbing off on everyone in a negative way.’ Oh, you’d know all about rubbing off on everyone, Orgy Boy.
Toff, Sam, Louise and Cheska play some questionable tennis, and Stevie goes on a barefoot walk with Riley. ‘It’s summer!’ he shrieks, when Riley asks him where his shoes are. Bloody hell, Riley, didn’t you know that a gentleman never allows fabric to touch his feet before October? Biscuits pitches up in a golf cart and refuses to apologise to Riley because he is one of the worst people in the world. He’s the man of diminishing returns – every time I brace myself for him to do something terrible, he’s worse than I could possibly have imagined, like a festival Portaloo.
Later, Spenny has a moonlight run in with Alex and tells him to ditch Binks. ‘Can I offer an opinion. It’s my opinion. And the opinion of many others!’ he says, as if he can force the pair apart with a government funded e-petition. ‘All I’m saying is that it hasn’t worked for me.’ Spencer, you do know that you’re not actually in this relationship?
Biscuits is on form the morning after, beaming ‘What is better than literally being in the country?!’ Presumably not figuratively being in the country, because that could just mean being trapped by the exit at Old Street with no wifi signal. Apparently Biscuits snapped and declared his love for Lucy, but no dice. ‘I tried so bad, I even got naked!’ Biscuits, there are toddlers who are better at keeping their clothes on than you. Since you arrived at the country house, we’ve seen four seconds of footage in which you actually wore a shirt. Lucy is smug, and Riley is a little bit bewildered by the fact that when she tried to go to her bedroom the previous night, Biscuits was in it. ‘Don’t you feel like you’re leading him on?’ she asks Lucy. I’m assuming she does not want her old job back.
Alex tells Binky everyone thinks they should break up, Spenny and Biscuits riff about their upcoming trip to New York, and Fordy wears a terrible waistcoat. When Biscuits chats about going to Times Square with a cricket bat, we fear that he’s about to take part in some mob activity – but it turns out he’s just going to pick up some ‘mahdals’ by being terribly, terribly English. Let’s hope he isn’t bringing Sam, who doesn’t know how to make a gin and tonic.
Spencer still thinks he’s the moral majority, telling Lucy that Binky ‘isn’t talking to her own mother! That’s horrible!’ Binky turns up and he complains that he and Alex haven’t chilled for a while. ‘You had an orgy with him!’ spits Binky. Yes, but that was a good few weeks ago. They can’t do everything else over WhatsApp. ‘Do you want to live this lifestyle?’ shrieks Binky. Spencer thinks for a second. ‘Yes, I do. I enjoy it.’ Bad luck if you were hoping that Spenny would drop his trousers and burst into tears, screaming ‘Look at my gonorrhea! LOOK AT IT!’
The episode ends with Binky and Alex effectively breaking up with the rest of Chelsea. ‘I fucking love this girl more than anything!’ shouts Alex to the assembled crowd, as Biscuits heckles ‘It’s bullshit!’ Love has torn them apart. Again.
Fortunately we won’t have long to wait until we see the gang on our screens once more. We can look forward to Spenny and Jamie wielding their cricket bats and bowling the women over, while Binky bawls. As Mark Francis says, ‘New York doesn’t really let you rest.’ Quite.
Hero of the week
After some disappointing behaviour from the regulars, I’m awarding the ultimate prize to Louise’s perfectly cooked lobster, which participated in its act of deception with admirable fluency, not once rising from its box to ask ‘So, have you guys gone there yet?’ I could only love it more if it had risen up and chased Sam around the table, screaming ‘Whaddup?!?! WHADDDDFUCKINGUPPPPP!?!?!’
Villain of the week
This one goes to Alex’s beanie. You had one job, beanie. One unit of hair to hold. And you couldn’t contain the beast. You were weak. You were overpowered. It’s not your fault, but you let us all down badly. If you were hoping for a regular slot in Series Eight, you’re going to be bitterly disappointed.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.