Reality telly’s having a bit of a moment, isn’t it? As soon as we get Bake Off out of the way, we’re back on the couch watching X Factor, TOWIE and Made In Chelsea. Tonight, the reality-TV wagon continues as The Apprentice returns with Alan Sugar and his gang of merry idiots. Among them is Daniel Lassman, the 27-year-old Essex lad who claims: ‘I will out-sell them, I will out-class them and I will perform the best just by being me,’ Mark (no not that one) Wright; ‘I’m very, very aggressive’, and Roisin Hogan who counts Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel as her hero.
Oh dear.
Anyways, with that lot on board it’s pretty clear that this year show is going to feature douchebaggery just as spectacular as the years gone by. Here's some of the work-based life lessons we've picked up from past seasons...
Blending into the background will get you everywhere
Every year, there’s a sneaky little bugger that cocks up every task he's given but crucially, doesn't make a big deal of it – especially in the boardroom when the gobbier of the group will start pointing fingers at whoever's pissed them off the most that day. In fact, the one that doesn't speak will probably sail comfortably through to week seven without Lord Sugar even noticing they're alive while their Type A team members fall miserably by the wayside. Sure, they'll then get made project manager and fail hideously but at least they weren't the first to go. Which is the most important thing right?
Life lesson to take: Sit back and do nothing until someone makes you.
Using business words makes you look like you work in business
From naming your team 'Venture' to brainstorming about how to further the ‘synergy’ between the various ‘team players’ in your ‘unit’ when you guys ‘touch bass,’ business talk is just a faster way to let people know that you spend celebrate your Friday nights by unbuttoning your top button, loosening your tie and drinking 17 pints before passing out in your McDonald's bag on the 23:15 back home to Shenfield.
*Life lesson to take: *If you want to look like you belong in the business world, wield words like 'strategy' and 'leverage' about like nobody's business. If not, talk like a normal person.
Claiming you know something about anything means you'll have to deliver
Just because you once waitered at a ball for estate agents doesn’t mean you’ve got the experience needed to market a new kind of cheese, even if the two activities can technically be grouped together under the umbrella of working in the food industry. The trouble is, since everyone else has got even less of a monkeys about cheese than you, they'll be looking to you for advice, which you absolutely can't and shouldn't give.
***Life lesson to take: ***Don't try to show off. Not even a little bit.
READ MORE: Plynths, Faux-Hawks and Louis Walsh: The X Factor Live Show, Episode One
'Selling' is best conducted as a fierce game of cat and mouse
Stopping random people on Kensington High Street and asking them to spend a fiver on the wares you picked up from a knick-knack warehouse in Deptford can't be all that tough – especially with all the camera crews hovering around. The contestants that do especially well in this area though are the big rugby lads who treat potential customers as prey and stop just short of reaching into their pockets to help themselves to their cash. Sure, there'll be some mutterings about 'agressive selling' in the boardroom but Lord Sugar will eventually pull out the 'he's like me at my age' line thus setting said contestant on the fast track to victory.
*Life lesson to take: *Respect for your customers is silly. Badger them until they do exactly what you want.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.