This was the penultimate episode and Edo and Fordy are still hanging on to their slots for dear life. But how are they desperately trying to prove to the producers that they are totes relevant to the shagging and fringes dynamic that defines the show? With grilled meat! ‘You know what I love about being British? A barbecue!’ cries Spenny, who spends the majority of time in St Barts and, I’m willing to bet, has never, ever vomited into a bin, in the rain, after eating an especially pink sausage.
The bois are bothered about Binky’s new relationship restrictions. After his transgressions, Alex is not allowed out to play. ‘They’re not going to get married. Don’t make someone jump through hoops to punish them, or make them a better person,’ grumbles Spencer, who has built a long and glorious career being totally resistant to the idea that someone or something might make him a better person.
Still, Binky is trying to fix Alex with edumacation. She’s brought him to a bookshop, where Alex claims to have found a title called The Rules Of Sensible Drinking, which gives Binks the opportunity to segue into the Rules Of Being In A Relationship When You’ve Been Up Most Of South West London and The Better Part Of Oxfordshire. ‘End this insanity’ is unfortunately not one of the rules.
However Binky has nothing on Lucy when it comes to being stringent or critical. She has summoned Cheska and Fran for a slut shaming session, as it turns out Riley had the audacity to shag Biscuits after Lucy sacked her. ‘She’s not as innocent as she seems,’ hisses Lucy, perhaps forgetting that she treated her frustrated housemate Stevie to two whole series of naked ironing. The girls bitch about Binky for a bit until Riley arrives. ‘You do have a problem with time keeping, don’t you?’ she hisses, burning Riley badly enough to warrant an overnight hospital stay and an economy sized tube of Savlon. Lucy bangs on about disloyalty for a bit, when it’s actually incredibly loyal of Riley not to sue her for back pay and unfair dismissal. Riley burns right back. ‘I would never say “If you’re dating me, don’t speak to Lucy,” because that’s childish,” she explains, after Lucy has revealed that Biscuits is still rilly, rilly into her and rings her all the time. At last, some dignity! Honestly, I thought we’d never get to see that on the show - I’d have predicted that we were more likely to watch Mark Francis biting into a Ginsters scotch egg.
Louise runs into Edo and Fordy, who is flirty. They talk about barbecues, and, looking straight at them both from under her lashes, whispers ‘I love a roast.’ Bet you do, Thompson. Bet you do. You’re not fooling anyone with your fetching Pride and Predj style ribbon choker - although top marks for matching it to your umbrella. Not all street encounters are as cheerful. Lucy sees Biscuits and spits ‘I just came from lunch. WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!’ Biscuits claims not to know who she’s talking about, which is so not cool. ‘Obviously I have massive feelings for you still.’ Come on, Biscuits, you’re old enough to know the difference between emotional feelings and pants feelings. ‘We’ve always been friends,’ he adds. This ‘friendship’ must be a great psychological boost for Billy No Mateses everywhere.
Biscuits goes to Riley’s house, presumably to tell her it’s all over and he’s in love with Lucy, when he cops an eyeful of her indoor pool. Watching her emerge from the water like the Venus De Posho, Biscuits starts manically chatting about their hypothetical marriage. Bloody hell, Biscuits, calm yourself! Did you mistakenly order a load of sugared almonds from Candy Kittens, which you need to offload? Biscuits won’t stop yammering on. ‘Lucy can be a fucking bitch,’ he tells Riley, after she reveals she’s had a lunch date with her ex employer. ‘I think you’re fun, and nice. I like hanging out with you. Jesus, I am really flirty.’ Jamie Bloody Biscuits, if you don’t stop chatting up more than one girl at a time I am going to have your jaw wired shut.
We bump into Mark Francis in Kettners, who is sobbing into his Krug because he has just spotted that the menu offers beer battered fish and chips. ‘If someone ordered that…you’d take your handbag and run. You’d leave the fur,’ he murmurs to an equally distressed Victoria. Could one ever choose between Mark Francis and delicious, salty, greasy fries? Chic or chips? OH GOD IT’S TOO HARD. Cheska and Fran turn up, giving Victoria the opportunity to make a mean joke about Cheska’s food choices. It’s a relief - Nice Victoria was a bit too weird, like clear Coke or old pictures of Santa in green. But hopefully she’ll be kind to Binky when Mark Francis sweeps her off for a cheering up trip to Longleat.
Louise and Sam are playing Trivial Pursuit, which they are both dreadful at, and Sam bets Lou £200 she’ll hook up with Fordy, just as, elsewhere, Fran is telling Cheska that the nascent Fordy/Louise romance ‘won’t stop me from going there’. Fran, in this instance, Fordy is running Shag Passport Control and he’s not going to let you get far enough to take your shoes off at Security. Binky and Alex aren’t going anywhere either. They arrive for games night and Binky is complaining about ‘the six girls you fucked’ before she’s even got her gilet off.
‘Maybe if I asked you a Trivial Pursuit question…’ asks Sam, desperately. Binky starts slagging off Cheska. ‘You should roll the dice to see who goes first!’ pleads Sam. Dude, we’ve established that this is not in your best interests. Being a massive nerd does not make you good at all nerdy things. Fortunately Binky is due at Longleat, and enforced London LOLs are ditched for mandatory Hampshire fun. That’s right - there’s a maze. Sophie, in an amazing swingy coral and peach pleather number, is visibly shaken. ‘We had to use Sat Nav to get out!’ Mark Francis says all the right things. ‘These days you have to be strong to put up with your housekeeper, let alone your lover,’ he comforts Binky. I’m hoping this inspires her to force Alex to start scrubbing loos. And forcing him to stick his head down a lavatory might be the best way to get him to cut back on the booze - it will trigger some horrible memories.
There’s a Hollywood pardy on the horizon, which gives the gang an excuse to go to the Theme Traders Prop Store. I would rather live here than in Riley’s amazing pool house. If you too often fantasise about surrounding yourself with scaled up possessions and living like a Borrower, this is the shop for you. Biscuits is wielding a pair of giant scissors, a huge and unignorable metaphor about what he needs to do about his love life. He fails to take his own hint. He then tells Fran to launch herself at Fordy just in case. ‘If he pulls away, he doesn’t fancy you.’ At least now we have some idea of how Biscuits gets himself into so much romantic trouble.
Back at Longleat, Sophie is comparing Cheska to Inspector Gadget which might be a veiled piece of snidery about Cheska’s unadventurous approach to outerwear. At home, an oblivious Cheska is listening to Lucy slagging off Binky. ‘I’ve done so much for her! I’ve been so mean to Alex!’ Yeah Lucy, we all know that being gratuitously rude to someone is a massive effort for you. And in case you can’t tell, I was being sarcastic. She can no more help herself than Stevie can keep his big yap shut, as is evidenced when Stevie bumps into ex Riley and tells her all about Biscuits’ love for Lucy. Everyone needs to stop telling Stevie things. The Prop Store must have a giant, sealable goldfish bowl we can stick him in, until he is silenced. ‘Enjoy the rest of your day! Keep smiling!’ is Stevie’s parting shot. Going right off him.
At the Hollywood pardy, Mark Francis is wilfully encouraging Sophie to wear the table decorations, the bois are all wearing identical bowler hats and braces which appear to have been found in a big box marked ‘Series five leftovers’ and Louise is wearing a dress of such sexiness that it is preventing her from moving her arms. It’s not preventing Fordy from making her a Martini. ‘I’d like one,’ pouts Fran. Fordy ignores her. ‘Me and Louise are going to have a cook off!’ he rejoins. ‘Great!’ replies Fran, clearly hoping Fordy will kill Louise with some pink chicken and Fordy will then be hers, all hers. ‘Why is this awkward?’ ‘Because you’re third wheeling!’ rejoins Fordy cheerfully! The camera manages to capture the moment at which Fran almost bursts into tears and then thinks better of it.
Binky’s bonkers rules have turned Alex into a mad Alan Partridge figure who says things like ‘milady’ and they appear to have turned all her friends against her too. Cheska approaches her and formally ends their friendship. Let’s all take a moment to remember them in My Super Sweet Sixteen and be super sad. And Biscuits loses everything in the split second it takes for Toff to faux sympathetically tilt her head at Riley, who unravels, tells Toff everything, then pulls herself together and confronts Biscuits before he can work his crumby magic on Lucy. ‘Don’t sit on the edge of my pool and kiss me and tell me your ex girlfriend’s a bitch,’ hisses Riley. ‘I don’t need to be a part of this.’ ‘I didn’t say that! I said it lightheartedly!’ offers Biscuits, pathetically. Lucy and Riley go home. Stevie has pulled the loose thread on the cashmere sweater of lies. I’d say Biscuits was left with a ball of wool, but he clearly has no balls at all. Bad Biscuits.
Hero of the week
It’s got to be Riley Uggla, who maintained her composure and dignity when her ex employer and ex intern both took it upon themselves to gang up on her. She refused to be slut shamed by the woman who tried to make promiscuity into a brand, she made an excellent case for still living with your parents when you’re an adult (please let that amazing house belong to her parents or we will all suffer death from envy.) And it’s not relevant, but it’s worth noting - how hot does she look in her cozzie? Very hot indeed.
Villain of the week
Jamie Biscuits is like the fabled inflatable boy with the drawing pin. He’s let us down, he’s let the school down, and worst of all, he’s let himself down. How very dare he hurt lovely Riley so hard? Who calls their ex a bitch and thinks it won’t be traced back to them? How did he think he could get away with blaming everything on Stevie? And most importantly, he did not buy the amazing giant scissors. For that, I will never forgive him.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.