This week, Hannah’s in Iowa and, as well as an abundance of cornfields and tractors, the midwestern state also turns out to be the home of the lowest rent prices in the entire world ever. Sure, we all know that outside of London and New York your current rent monies could get you your own island complete with tennis courts, a butler and Richard Branson as your next door neighbour but Hannah’s really hit the jackpot with her new place – even if it does look like it’s been decorated by the little old ladies in the Shreddies adverts. It gets a resounding ‘two thumbs the fuck up’ from Hannah.
Getting straight on Skype to Marnie to show off, Hannah does her best to encourage Marnie to muster up the troops to join her in Iowa to ‘start the revolution’ which might be problematic in a state where there’s more sheep than people unless Hannah’s got plans to arm farm animals with copies of Russell Brand’s book and communist berets. Marnie is knitting Desi a scarf which is yet another sterling idea to add to Marnie’s List of 'Things To Do To Try And Get Your Boyfriend To Break Up With His Girlfriend'. Weirdly, it seems like Hannah and Adam might have broken up because Hannah’s saying she’s ‘moved on’ so either we missed something at the end of the last episode or people don’t need to actually have break up conversations IRL anymore.
Things start to go downhill for Hannah and her Iowan dream after this when she fights with a cashier before realising that outside of New York, there are still places that don’t get mobile service – like her new house. She does meet a guy who still dresses like Travis in Clueless (minus the majestic hair) but this is quickly dampened by finding out that she shares her house with an errant bat, which admittedly is a darn sight preferable to a New York City street rat but still not ideal as a new housemate.
Hannah’s outfit for the first day of class is less New York-hipster and more Crazy Bird Lady out of Home Alone 2 crossed with Miranda's holiday outfits in* Sex And The City: The Movie. *It quickly becomes clear that her outfit is going to be the least of her worries after her fellow students (among them Dorota from Gossip Girl!) tear apart her work with all the fervour of a semi-sociopathic Year 9 boy dissecting a frog in biology. In all fairness Hannah did precede her reading with a 'trigger warning' which proved to be more than a little awkward when not one person cried, left the room or suddenly remembered a horrific piece of childhood abuse that they'd been repressing. Hannah is 900% incensed.
After an equally unsuccessful stint at the pub with her new classmates in which one girl uses air quotes to poken fun at the possibility that Hannah would ever be published, Hannah puts aside her now-useless phone and heads to a payphone to call Shoshanna and Jessa who are right in the middle of watching every thinking woman's guilty telly bit on the side Scandal. Sadly for Hannah, Shoshanna's too young to remember collect calling so hangs up confused, leaving Hannah forced to call her parents instead. It turns out Hannah is horrible at making up fake names, dubbing her new 'friends' Shannon, Jeff, Jonesley, Ranchanay, Nagasaki and Cher. We reach peak-Hannah when she starts asking her mum about suicide and her mum hangs up to play Scrabble leaving Hannah alone as the saddest little overly-neurotic New Yorker in Iowa.
When she gets home though, Elijah (newly blissful in the fact that people in Iowa are celeb-starved enough to think he’s Ryan Reynolds) has decamped from New York on account of a homeless woman fisting herself on his doorstep. The two head out to a ‘rager’ party which turns out to be the last place left in the world still playing Lil’ Jon *Get Low *non-ironically. Cue a reprise of that time Elijah and Hannah took loads of coke and went out in New York – except this time Elijah cops off with a dude and leaves Hannah dancing like she's in Bananas in Magaluf at 3AM during the filming of Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents. Elijah meanwhile has almost no trouble convinving a NOT GAY NOT GAY AT ALL first year frat boy to accept a hand job.
After scaring the living shit out of a crying girl, ('It’s just, I’ve seen a lot of things... I’m 25') Hannah takes things up a notch and ruins her dress by taking part in the age-old American house party tradition of girls wrestling in lubey-like substances in a paddling pool. Elijah and Hannah wake up happy in the knowledge that fun still exists even in Iowa and the two walk home together as the sun’s coming up.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Girls Episode One: Hannah Goes To Iowa, Marnie Plays A 'Jazz Brunch'
It's Rumoured Katie Holmes Will Make A Cameo In Girls, So We Predict Our Dream Roles For Her
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
Illustration: Nina Cosford
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.