The Girls gang are back! This season though, things are going to be slightly different on account of Hannah taking herself off to a magical place called Iowa (which our American friends assure us is anything but) to do a masters in writing. Luckily, her parents are just thrilled about it; which makes a nice change from the reaction they had that time she took opium and passed out on their bedroom floor.
Anyways, at dinner to celebrate, Hannah’s dad is still gushing with pride while Hannah's mum takes a moment to remind her daughter that she doesn’t need an extra side of fries. All’s going well until Adam shows up, clearly after a pit stop at the Danny Zuko costume store where he got himself a nifty leather jacket and a grumpy new attitude that’s modelled firmly on an A Level Philiosophy definition of ‘nihilism’. Never one to mope silently, Adam manages to bring down everything and everyone around him with a less than inspiring toast about the depressingly random nature of life. Definitely someone to 'forget' to invite to your next celebration.
Back home later on, things go from bad to worse as Adam bemoans his work in an advert for depression medication, which in all fairness looks more like ‘bonus’ footage from Russell Crowes’ Noah than anything designed to help people at the end of their tether. He seems far more upset about his acting career than the slightly more pressing matter of his girlfriend moving 1092 miles (thanks Google maps) away.
Over at Marnie’s place, things are rather more upbeat as Girl’s resident pop-folk-star-in-training is taking part in a sexual activity that finally clears up why Americans call oral sex 'getting eaten out'; Marnie's illicit lover Desi has got his nose buried so far inbetween her arse cheeks that we worry for one moment if he'll be able to disentangle himself without help from the fire department. Desi says ‘I love that’, Marnie says ‘I love you’. Things are definitely going turn out well here.
Shoshanna’s over at the university getting her diploma while her dad (WHO TURNS OUT TO BE NONE OTHER THAN DR MARK GREENE FROM ER – Welcome back big guy! Where've you been hiding!?) argues with her mum. Jessa meanwhile is still personal assisting for Beadie the suicidal artist, only now Beadie’s daughter has showed up and as well as being played by OITNB’s Natasha Lyonne, is pissed off at Jessa and the whole of Generation Y for letting her mum try to kill herself. Weirdly, no-one mentions the fact that Natasha’s not wearing any trousers.
Oh dear. We’re at a Marnie and Desi gig which means Marnie is about to sing, which means we need a stiff drink like, five minutes ago. Desi’s girlfriend Clementine apologises to Marnie for thinking Marnie and Desi were shagging, an apology Marnie graciously accepts, knowing full well that Desi’s nose could still at that moment bear traces of the contents of her bum. Jessa is mean to Hannah causing Hannah to have a Bruce Willis-in-Friends style pep talk with herself in the bathroom about how she's making the right decision to leave. Turns out Jessa’s just mad that that Hannah’s leaving so is doing that thing American therapists like to call ‘projecting’. Also, she thinks Hannah should break up with Adam.
Marnie and Desi’s performance is exactly the stuff-your-fist-in-your-mouth-and-wish-you’d-never-been-born thing you expected it to be. Luckily Ray shows up just before we start filling the bath and searching around for heavy objects to weigh ourselves down with. Ray and Shoshanna make up, which is nice, and everything’s going fine until Marnie threatens to rap and Elijah’s ex-boyfriend and some mean girls called Lisa laugh Marnie off the stage. The final nail in the sorry gig fiacso is finding out that the whole thing was billed as a ‘jazz brunch’.
Hannah heads home to pack before she leaves the next day at which point Adam lets her know that he’s ‘not very good on the phone’ which is ALMOST the same as ‘I wish you weren’t leaving, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we stay together at this difficult time.’ The two have sex, Hannah looks concerned.
In the morning Marnie comes to wave Hannah and her parents off while Adam, who’s clearly got better things to focus on, like how to make his next acting job to look less like last year's worst apocalyptic thriller with tree monsters in, stays in bed. Hannah and her parents drive off into the distance and Hannah worries about what’s coming next. Luckily Hannah's mum packed some fig snacks that Hannah really likes so it turns out that this time, all is not lost.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.