Yay! Hannah’s parents (aka our favourite on-screen parents of all time) are back in Girls and we’re totally thrilled. Until, oh, wait, omg - Hannah’s dad Tad tells Loreen he’s gay. Way to kick things off with a bang episode eight! Loreen is quite rightly PO’ed (‘I’m gay’ probably doesn’t signify that things are moving forward in your relationship in a positive manner), she’s mainly pissed off because she thinks Tad is making it up because he's jealous of the fact she just scored tenure. Which seems like an excellent reason to lie about your sexuality.
Several hundred miles and an oblivion away, Hannah’s back teaching and against all odds, smashing it. Today she’s helping student Cleo come to terms with the fact that high school boys don’t match up to Shia Le Boeuf (this is almost certainly a good thing) and Cleo’s current gripe that some guy she likes has HPV because he had sex with a girl at Auschwitz. And people say teenagers today are too into their phones to do stuff IRL. Oh, wait, Hannah’s off to get ‘something' pierced with Cleo before their next class. Perhaps she’s not doing quite as well in her new role as mentor as we thought.
Desi has some great news for Marnie…. He’s bought some German guitar pedals! Also, they cost $2000. Desi is a dick. That’s their entire advance. Marnie gets mad and Desi storms out because she’s 'ruined his day', which seems like a small consolation to pay for that fact that not being able to afford to eat will ruin a lot more of his days to come.
Over the river, Shoshanna is busy plucking her pubes before her date with Soup Guy (from the failed job interview) while Jessa attempts to explains her attraction to last week’s toothbrush nibbling Ace which basically boils down to the fact that he’s not going to attempt suicide over her.
Hannah and Cleo are getting their 'frenulums' pierced which, in case you missed that day of biology class, is that bit of webbed skin under your tongue. Oh my gosh and it is graphic; needle-phobes look away now. Excellent role model Hannah chickens out at this point leaving 14 year old Cleo unable to speak and with a gold hoop dangling in her mouth before she’s even got to seventh period.
Back at school Hannah’s attempts valiantly to undo the damage she did with dream man Fran by taking him to Mimi Rose’s art show. Sadly, it’s not to be. Fran is not into girls with drama after his ex did something bad with battery acid. Hannah gallantly attempts a counter argument that involves misogyny and the fact that she doesn’t know where to get battery acid but sadly, gets nowhere.
Shoshanna is on a date with Soup Guy! And he’s nice! Don’t worry though, there’s a fuck up just around the corner and it comes under the guise of Shoshanna attempting dirty talk but asking Soup Guy about the future of his… cock. Yep. His ‘big hard cock’ and the possibility of it making contact with her ‘slimy vagina’. Luckily, Shoshanna’s saved from total humiliation by the fact that Soup Guy gets distracted a bit by the cast of The Good Wife at the bar. Alicia Florric, what would we do without you? Is there anything she can’t do?
Perhaps against their better judgement, Tad and Loreen head to their friends’ house for a celebratory dinner for Loreen. Their friends seem kind of dickish; one couple are ‘bored’ by their daughter and another are unconcerned by their daughter smoking meth because she’s a ‘creative’. Guys, plenty of meth addicts are ‘creative’, creative at stealing money off their parents for their next fix. Good luck with that one. Tad has a go at making a nice toast in Loreen’s honour but Loreen – still smarting from the whole finding out her life partner is now not into ladies calls bullshit and walks off. Their friend Avi uses this as an opportunity to crack onto her. Turns out middle aged people are just as fucked up as us.
Desi apologises to Marnie and attributes his ill behaviour to his father. Because of course. So obviously, his stupid solution is to PROPOSE to Marnie. Even though he swore he’d never get married 'until his gay cousin Dustin could'. Marnie accepts. Obvs. Srsly though, Desi’s a dick.
Back over in Ohio, Tad is telling Loreen about his gay pornography habit and, just as Loreen asks if he now wants to ‘put it in somebody’s ass’, Hannah calls to talk about whether or not she is a ‘dramatic person’. Despite the whole situation being a total shitshow the one small silver lining is that Loreen stumbles across a sure fire way to put an end to Hannah’s rambling. Just as Hannah launches into a comparison between herself and Courtney Love, Loreen takes a deep breath and drops the bomb that Tad is gay.
And finally, after all that happened this past half hour, silence reigns.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Girls Epsiode Five: Hannah's Been Replaced, Jessa's Two-Faced, And Ray Is A Total Waste
Girls Episode Six: Hannah's Got A New Talent And Adam's Got A Stupidly Great Apartment
Girls Episode Seven: Mimi Rose Is Weirdly Great, And Hannah Does A Pre-Date Masturbate
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.