Hello, I am Robyn Wilder of BuzzFeed.com, it is nice to meet you. For the next few Saturday nights I will be live-tweeting The X Factor from The Debrief’s Twitter account. And you should join me! Because, really, what sounds funner than a sleepy pregnant woman grumpily being unable to tell the difference between three men with identical fauxhawks and identical floral shirts?
But first, a quick Debrief debrief of The X Factor 2014 so far: we are past the endorsed bashing of the mentally ill that is the auditions. The tedium of boot camp is over. Now we’re back from the judges’ exotic yet strangely characterless houses, where the following important plot twists occurred:
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Cheryl Cole-Regina-Phalangie managed to maintain this pose for THREE SOLID DAYS:
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At Simon Cowell’s house, Sinitta was somehow both irrelevant and offensive:
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Two Spice Girls silently reflected on their respective solo careers:
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And Tulisa, who was Louis Walsh’s judging assistant, made this demure entrance:
So now the live shows begin. Here are the contestants who’ve made it through. They’ll be unrecognisable on the night thanks to insane last-minute makeovers and dancers twerking all over them, but here they are anyway.
Cheryl’s Category: The Girls
Chloe Jasmine
Who? The blondest, jazziest, Sloaniest Sloane who ever Sloaned. Was on modelling show The Face. Already subject to a press ‘sex scandal’.
Distinguishing features: Sounds a bit like a trumpet.
Lauren Platt
Who? Sixteen, sings big songs without sounding showy.
Distinguishing features: Two-tone hair, strong smoky voice.
Stephanie Nala
Who? Dumped her Britain’s Got Talent band The Luminites for The X Factor. A little bit reggae.
Distinguishing features: Definitely isn’t Nala from The Lion King.
Mel B’s Category: The Boys
Paul Akister
Who? Didn’t make it past the judges’ houses in 2012, lost three stone and re-entered the competition, and voila! Every boy’s dream.
Distinguishing features: Pronounces ‘bridge over troubled water’ as ‘breej oh-ooh-over trowblood wor-ooh-too-wer-ooh-wer’. Maybe a regional thing?
Andrea Faustini
Who? The cuddliest and beardiest Italian man to ever honk out a big diva tune.
Distinguishing features: Possibly the sweetest man on Earth?
Jake Quickenden
Who? In one week in 2012 he didn’t pass the judges’ houses test, and his brother died.
Distinguishing features: Fauxhawk and tattoos.
READ MORE: The X Factor Drinking Game You Probably Don’t Need But Will Certainly Enjoy
Louis Walsh’s Category: The Groups
Only The Young
Who? Describe themselves as ‘the modern-day Von Trapp family’ despite neither being related, nor fleeing from Nazis.
Distinguishing features: So young I can’t physically look at them.
Blond Electra
Who? Imagine a female Jedward without the charm.
Distinguishing features: Self-consciously wacky!
The New Boyband
Who? Roughly 58 identical teenage boys that Simon Cowell, in his wisdom, jammed into a band together then forgot to name.
Distinguishing features: Look a bit like a queue for the men’s.
Simon Cowell’s Category (you bored yet?): The Over 25s
Jay James
Who? Ex-Navy, wants to ‘provide for his family’.
Distinguishing features: Apparently not a fan of socks.
Fleur East
Who? Funky lady who auditioned with a decent version of M.I.A.’s Paper Planes.
Distinguishing features: Scary Spice hair. I can almost feel Mel B’s eyes misting over when she looks at her.
Ben Haenow
Who? In The X Factor universe, he has a ‘rocky’ voice. In our universe, he has ‘a voice’.
Distinguishing features: Not as chirpy and finger-gunsy as his surname suggests :(
Wildcards
ALSO, the judges get to bring back one rejected act. According to press ‘leaks’ these look like:
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A lady fishmonger
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ANOTHER fauxhawked group of children
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A terminally cheery ex-call centre worker
But! All will be revealed on Saturday. So won’t you join me on the Twitters from 8pm? There will be swearing! And typos! And possibly falling asleep!
Follow Robyn on Twitter @orbyn
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.