A week has whizzed by and we’re back in the Marquee of Dreams, for more tears among the tuiles and fronting under the bunting.
Mary’s wearing yet another natty biker jacket, which leads me to conclude that she’s probably just going round the high street asking for 'baker jackets' and being misheard. But, being white, at least it won’t show the flour.
This year we’ve broken with tradition and instead of bread for week two, all eyes are on biscuits. Which of our jammy bakers will dodge elimination, and whose dreams will fall away like damp Hobnob? Mmm, the delicious scent of biccies is filling the tent already!
Ah, no. That’s just Paul’s spray tan.
Bend and snap
Don’t get too excited just yet, because the week’s first challenge falls under the same 'yes, but WHY?' umbrella as dairy free ice cream and pizza with a salad in the middle; it’s savoury biscuits. Mel’s little song can’t redeem them much, but the acres of cheese they’re meant to be served with might.
Jordan has brought along his pet sourdough starter Yorick, touchingly described as 'a friend who provides me with far more than pretty much anyone else' and forcing us all to momentarily imagine him singing You Raise Me Up to a jar full of goo. I feel the same about my pal Bicarbonate Beatrice, Jordan – but enough on our raging yeast affections, there’s kneading to be done!
Nancy, who after week one seemed to be neck and neck with Norman for the internet’s most-loved contestant, has another gadget made by her husband up her sleeve, this time to get the holes in her biscuits perfect. He’ll start an Etsy store before the series is over, mark my words.
Meanwhile, beard-fancier’s favourite Iain is getting us hot under the collar by standing behind a tripod and putting figs in his biscuits. “Would you expect them to bend or snap?” asks Paul, and Iain confirms both, throwing up a series of intriguing mental images for anyone who’s ever seen Legally Blonde.
Continuing his PR campaign for the McGood Old Days, Norman is making a simple farthing biscuit out of flour, butter and lard. It also turns out the ex-navyman has been teaching the other bakers semaphore in the evenings, which means once more, I’m compelled to write to Points of View and beg for behind-the-scenes footage of the Bake Off B&B.
Like the Cadbury’s finger of critiques, Paul and Mary’s judging gets off to a smooth start. Richard’s rosemary biscuits are perfectly balanced, Chetna’s aromatic spices are a hit and Luis has served up his tradmark Spanish favours with aplomb.
Nancy, Martha and Ewenzor have all scored slam dunkers too, but Diana’s cheesy triangles are less successful and after last week’s dry cake crisis, poor Kate has over-moist crackers.
I could call it a game of soggy biscuit, but the woman’s suffered enough.
Temper, temper
Hurrah, the boring history segment is back! But it’s ok, Sue is tempting us into it with a pair of comedy gelato tits. We’re going to learn all about the origins of the ice cream cone, which was invented to stop us catching cholera from our raspberry ripple.
Early versions of the cornet had holes in the bottom, but “the ice cream didn’t last long enough to run down the hole'. 'It certainly doesn’t in my house,' chortles Sue, and everyone playing the Bake Off Innuendo Drinking Game immediately falls off the sofa.
Back in the kitchen, this week’s technical challenge has been unveiled: Florentines. You know, the ones your posh auntie brings round at Christmas.
These nutty, chewy, chocolate treats are proving as fiddly to make as they are to dig out of your molars afterwards, and the bakers attempt a variety of methods to get them perfect.
Some are weighing their balls of dough, some are rolling, and Enwezor is using a cookie cutter before AND after they’ve been in the oven, to ensure a neat circle. 'I’m not sure if that’s right or wrong, but I’ve started so I have to finish,' he says, employing what we in the biz know as ‘the Magnus Magnusson Law of Baking’.
Once the biscuit layer is ready it’s onto the chocolate, which must be melted and slowly cooled to ‘temper’ it and give it a shiny finish.
Those of us who were baffled and angry to discover recently that the chocolate is actually on the bottom of chocolate digestives rather than the top might feel some of that fury returning as we watch the bakers grappling with their Florentines. Do they spread? Do they drizzle? Do they pipe it on? Only Martha has got it right, and the rest dither about creating their zig-zag patterns while we bellow, 'FORK IT, YOU FORKING FOOLS! FOR FORK’S SAKE!' at the telly.
After a glorious minute of listening to Paul and Mary’s crunching noises, the verdict is in. Iain, Norman and Enwezor are at the bottom of the barrel while Richard is (custard) cream of the crop.
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Making a scene
Oh for the first series of Bake Off, when you could just plonk a marmalade sponge on a plate and call it art! These days you have to do bloody biscuit Meccano. It’s just asking so much. If I were one of their mums I’d send in a note.
(I’m not quite old enough to be Martha’s mum, thank God, but I did the maths just to be sure).
The 3D biscuit scene challenge has clearly been chosen in the hope that a) they can do a nice montage of people yelping while gingerbread collapses on their heads, b) Sue can say ‘erection’ and c) someone (cough, Jordan) will top last year’s shortbread Dalek for snacktime geekery – and they’re not disappointed.
He’s been inspired by Japanese comic books to construct a monster attack scene, complete with strawberry blood. But alas, his skyscrapers are being scraped off the baking tray instead. Yorick can’t save you now, mate.
The other biscuit creations range from a train and a rocket to a Swiss mountain scene with edible ski lift. But pfft, haven’t we all done that of a hungover Sunday? I once made a perfect scale reconstruction of the Pompidou Centre with nothing but a packet of malted milk and some strawberry boot laces.
Surprisingly for someone who seems more like a cheery Blue Peter presenter by the minute, Enwezor’s fondant isn’t one he made earlier. He’s bought it in, and you almost see the 'KILL! KILL!' command flashing up behind Mary’s eyes as he admits his crime. One might call that a fon-don’t, Enwezor.
Iain’s brought out the big guns with his gingerbread Wild West and saved himself from elimination by a whisker, as has Kate with her beautifully twee teatime scene. Chetna’s merry-go-round and Luis’ fiery dragon are highly commended, but it’s Richard and his perfect pirates who find the buried treasure in Paul’s heart – he’s star baker.
And lovely Enwezor’s soft biscuits have sent him packing. Bye bye, Rocket Man! The moral of this story is: go hard or go home.
Next week: can you feel the loaf tonight? There’s bread on the floor, buns in the oven, and someone’s putting gold leaf on an olive.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.