It begins with Louise being late to her own birthday party, but we don’t blame her, because the band seem so lacklustre that the singer’s own top appears to be trying to suffocate him as a form of protest. Much more exciting is the guest chat, which includes Binky responding to Spencer’s simple ‘How are you?' with ‘TERRIBLE! AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!’ She’s in Stage Two of however many stages there are when Mytton and his quiff go on a quest for strange fanny. ‘I haven’t heard from you, you’re supposed to be a friend of mine. I think it’s bullshit! You’re bullshit!’ All poor Spencer wanted to hear was a simple enquiry about whether he has a nice time on his holidays, followed by an observation that he was ‘quite brown’. Fortunately, it all runs off Spenny’s back and he has a nice dance, looking totally blissed out as he caresses his own thighs.
Sam stops by to say ‘WHADDUP!’ to Stevie and tells him, super casually, that he’s now pursuing another woman. Poor woman. If she exists. And they’re still trying to make Edo happen – Louise tells him off for causing drama with Lucy last week, when Louise has probably caused even more drama by not inviting her.
Lucy is at work, which is technically Jamie Biscuits’ work. She’s making Riley stay late too, although we’re not sure whether she has duties or if she’s just been brought in to listen to Lucy’s self-important statements about how setting up your own business is ‘rilly, rilly hard’. It’s also an opportunity for Lucy to pump Riley about Stevie developments. ‘Was that your first kiss?’ she asks tenderly. Lucy, she’s not 12. And if she is, you’re in full breach of all sorts of child labour laws.
We're not sure if Riley has just been brought in to listen to Lucy’s self-important statements about how setting up your own business is ‘rilly, rilly hard’
Jamie Biscuits turns up, and Lucy has the audacity to make him feel like a massive skiver. Because now that she’s in the building, everyone works for her, apparently. Biscuits isn’t bothered, he’s brought wine, and he’s giving Riley the eye. ‘I want to poach her. Like an egg,’ he murmurs, after intimating that Riley could join the team at Candy Kittens, just after Lucy has snapped ‘SHE’S MY INTERN!’ like the Gollum of HR. Oooof. Work for Lucy for free, or work for Biscuits by having to spend your days holding sticks of rock and acting as if they’re enormous, sugary penises? Riley is staring down the barrel of a situation that makes Workfare look quite reasonable.
Back at the party, Stephanie Pratt turns up to say her catchphrase (Text ‘1’ to hear ‘Hey asshole!’ on your phone, Text ‘2’ for the Asshole Bonus…) and Alex arrives to be shouted at by Fran and Cheska. If anyone at home is playing ‘Fran rapidly turning into Louise Mensch’ bingo, she’s going on about having ‘a thing for music guys’ whereas Cheska likes her men to have had ‘a good shower and some talcum powder’. Now we know why Cheska can’t find love.
If anyone at home is playing ‘Fran rapidly turning into Louise Mensch’ bingo, she’s going on about having ‘a thing for music guys’
Alex is still playing the ‘Tunnel of Lying’ card, to which one wants to respond ‘It’s a shame the tunnel didn’t have any decent shops, that shirt makes you look like it’s 1998 and your band has just been dropped from Red Panda’. Binky is making noises about Alex ‘proving’ himself to her, but she looks completely broken. Finally Cheska speaks for all of us and says ‘the relationship is doomed, come on!’ For once, we are in complete agreement. Binky and Alex are, if not quite Romeo and Juliet, perhaps the Peter Andre and Katie Price of Sloane circles.
After some light dog walking (Stevie, Riley, Digby) and heavy bitching (Lucy, Biscuits) we come to the episode highlight. Mark Francis, in the Conrad shop, stroking chairs in a stately manner. ‘These look like the sort of thing you might have psychotherapy on,’ comments Sophie, thoughtfully. ‘Funny you should say that!’ cries Mark Francis, who announces he is going for past life regression. ‘I am going back millennia! I need the compendium of Mark Francis!’ I would pay so much money for the compendium of Mark Francis. I’ve already put it at the top of my Christmas list.
Alex has taken Binky out for a drink in an effort to be a better boyfriend, and show her he can spend time with her in a bar without sticking his willy in a waitress or cocktail glass. Binky wants 'Presents, holidays, nice surprises. No more naughty surprises.' Binky, please go on a permanent holiday from Alex. In a country he is now banned from following a national scandal involving an incident at a nunnery. He has no intention of getting Binky any lovely presents, but is subtly slagging off all her friends instead. Lucy ‘is not the best diplomat in the world, it makes me question whether she is a real friend.’ Alex, have you seen her walk through walls? Does she extract teeth and leave pounds under your pillow? Have you seen her enter a room via the chimney? WELL THEN.
Biscuits is happy to defend Lucy, but the victim of his pro-Watson agenda is Louise, not Alex, who arguably needs it more. Sam is taking his sub PUA game to lunch with Spenny, where he’s brought some ‘birds, mate. So, mate, maybe you’ll get to mate, mate.’ If Sam drops the m-word one more time, Spencer will feel honour bound to come over and do his plumbing for an envelope of ATM fresh twenties. Identikit blondes Christiana, and, um, Toff (OH, COME ON! AS IF anyone ever gets called that) roll up, and it transpires that Sam has taken Christiana to Nando’s, although she’s keen to play that down, but she’s also recently hooked up with Spencer. Sam is horrified and heartbroken (‘You wouldn’t do that to a mate, mate!’) but Toff doesn’t care, she just keeps drawling and drooling like she worked her way through a pack of pot-laced Werther’s Originals before the sushi came out.
Binky decides to test whether Lucy is ‘real’ and calls her ‘cold and arrogant’ for dropping her Alex bombshell. ‘I think you could have done it in a better place, at a better time. It was at a netball match.’ If you’re going to tell a pal some world-altering news, do it during a spirited game of lacrosse. More cheerfully, it’s time for Stevie’s surprise birthday – is it worth wondering why he didn’t want to have a joint party with Louise? Everyone has turned up to The Phene, but I suspect at least half of them don’t know the significance of the date and just enjoy hiding behind pub furniture. Everyone jumps up and shouts ‘Wahey!’ and Stevie mimes shock like a man who has just been told through an earpiece to ‘act surprised’.
We learn Riley reckons there was some overlap between herself and Christiana in Sam’s relationship history. How does he do it? Is he telling all these women that he’s dying? We also learn, via Toff, who sounds so relaxed that we’re surprised she’s managing to stand, that Christiana has been doing some post-sushi Spencer snogging. Sam is so angry that he almost manages to splash Spencer’s chin with a clear beverage. Dude, if you can’t even throw a drink properly it’s time to get the fuck out of SWs 1 through 9.
Dude, if you can’t even throw a drink properly it’s time to get the fuck out of SWs 1 through 9
Fortunately, this is just the dramatic amuse bouche, and the real bombshell comes from Biscuits, who tells Lucy, through a series of swears, mime and guesswork that immediately after his break up with Binky, Alex was cheered up by Spenny in classic Matthews style. With an invite to an orgy. Lucy decides to put her various issues aside, and consults Louise and Rosie. ‘I need your advice. Alex had an orgy with Spencer and multiple women.’ Lucy, that’s a group sex tautology, really. If it were just Spencer and Alex it would have been a welcome first for reality television, but not an orgy.
As soon as Binky sees Lucy’s furious face, the colour drains from it and she seems to turn into a statue. ‘Tell me everything,’ she says, grimly. Well, Alex fell down the Tunnel Of Lying and onto an enormous pile of vaginas that just so happened to be at the bottom. Cheska was right. This relationship is more doomed than the 1993 horror sci-fi first person shooter hero Doomguy, from the video game Doom. And just in case the orgy revelation didn’t sate us, there’s a hint that Stevie might be about to ditch lovely Riley for a hook up with Stephanie. HEY ASSHOLE, indeed.
Hero of the week
No-one acquitted themselves with any words or deeds worthy of merit, but the most entertaining element of the hour obviously featured Mark Francis and his Edina Monsoon style regression therapy plan. Why are we being forced to picture Spencer and Alex at an orgy when we could see Mark Francis with the pharos, Mark Francis with Madame de Pompadour, Mark Francis telling Marie Antoinette that brioche is ‘not chic!’, Mark Francis making brilliantly bitchy jokes about Henry VIII, Mark Francis holding forth on the best dinosaur skin for resort wear… if this doesn’t become a television series in its own right I’ll do a Kickstarter campaign and put it on myself.
Villain of the week
EVERYONE ELSE is the villain of the week, one way or another. At this point, naming and shaming Alex or Spencer is a bit like telling off a dog for rolling in fox poo. They know nothing else. She’s no villain, but I’m cross with Binky for continuing to date an increasingly smarmy arse with worsening hair who behaves as if Dan Bilzerian is a reasonable sort of role model. Binks, it’s time for tough love. We might not be able to shame you into protecting your heart, but please leave Alex immediately for the sake of your poor fanny.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.