I have never experienced a mental illness in my life. Not until I had a baby. And then I went mad. Two years ago, I woke up on my first Mother’s Day in a psychiatric ward. My son was just three weeks old.
I’d had a dream pregnancy. I felt purposeful and, actually, pretty glowing. We didn’t overdo it on the research; we didn’t overly plan our labour or buy the entire floor of John Lewis. We took care of ourselves and each other and were excited to meet our little boy.
But as 40 weeks approached, I did not feel remotely ready to have a baby. I didn’t look ready, either – I was showing small. I tried to remind myself that everybody was different and my midwife had reassured us that I was healthy and ‘low risk’.
Two weeks overdue meant that intervention was advised. It was time to get ‘baby’ out. But baby didn’t want to come out. He was clinging to my organs, hiding up in the lofty reaches of my ribcage in protest. Pushing a baby out seemed impossible – and, before I knew it, I’d experienced my first ever panic attack. It was exactly how sufferers tell you, like a heart attack. I was convinced I was dying.
From then onwards, I was thrown into what can only be described as a torture chamber. And to think I was told that it would be the best day of my life... I was prodded, probed, hooked up to machinery, inspected, injected. I was mostly naked, crying, while alarms pinged off beside my head. I was scared. Faint. Could not stop pooing. Midwife after midwife, doctor after doctor diagnosing us, notes, opinions (Why was I showing so small? Did anybody mention pre-eclampsia to you, Laura?).
An epidural and drip induction later and we were told that our baby was going to be born small and that it was possibly chronic. It was eventually decided that I should have an emergency Caesarean and we were wheeled through to theatre.
I was shocked and frightened into oblivion – and, somewhere along the way, I left myself behind on that hospital bed. And it would take me almost a year to come back.
Jet was born weighing just under 5lbs. My placenta had failed and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, twice. He came into the universe a livid, scrawny, starving goblin. And I was totally terrified and out of my depth.
Small babies are hungry babies. And boy, was he hungry. In the ward, Jet fed for 24 hours straight. I was already stalked by guilt at this point, like I’d let him down. Shame of my ‘failed’ labour. I was sleep-deprived, bleeding, in pain and trying to fall in love with the world watching.
The truth is, no one is immune to mental illness; you are not just ‘one of those people’ who becomes mentally unwell or not.
Once home, I thought I would be OK. But dread, doom and panic totally absorbed me. I felt sick and scared, like something really bad was about to happen. Awake all night feeding, anxious thoughts consumed me. What if he starves? What if my stitches split open? What if he dies in the night?
These manifested into intrusive ones. What if I throw him out of the window? What if I kill him? Then I started having delusions – that the tree outside was trying to warn me that Jet’s teddy bear’s eyes were surveillance cameras. My head was full of catastrophic conspiracy theories that my partner and family were plotting to have me incarcerated, to win custody of Jet, that this was all part of a bigger plan to get rid of me.
Family, friends and professionals tried to reassure me that this was just ‘baby blues’ or ‘adjustment’, but I knew it was something else. A month previously, I was the happiest I’d ever been. Pregnant and in love. And now I was a suicidal shell. So I was grateful and relieved to finally be hospitalised. I stayed there for two weeks. I felt like finally my invisible illness had been seen. That I could surrender.
If pregnancy, childbirth and raising children is the most universal thing on Earth, why are we keeping this stuff a secret? We know your fanny might rip, your boobs will hurt, you might not fit back into your jeans... but what about your head? That’s the real conspiracy right there. And nobody told me.
I now know that postpartum psychosis affects one in 1,000 women. And it took everything from medication, a physiatrist, psychotherapy, support and love from my partner Hugo and my family to get better. There is a huge expectation of expectant parents to know what to do, to have instinct and feel love overnight.
The truth is, no one is immune to mental illness; you are not just ‘one of those people’ who becomes mentally unwell or not, in the same way you are not just somebody that’s more likely to get hit by a car.
There are parents right now – all over the world, in the park, at playgroup – in the middle of the night shrinking in the depths of loneliness and possibly regret, AND THAT’S OK. Know it isn’t just you. Take comfort in that. You are not a bad mum. You are not broken. Or weird. Or ‘not maternal enough’. You are simply doing your best.
‘What Have I Done?’ by Laura Dockrill (£14.99, Square Peg) is out now.
For help with postpartum psychosis, visit NHS.org or app-network.org
Read More: Things You Only Know If
Things You Only Know If...
![Claire Moruzzi](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/8223/c11f/b295/db31/b654/Insta%20Daily5.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You've Experienced Post-Adoption Grief
When Claire Moruzzi, 39, gave birth to her son, it unlocked unpacked painful feelings about her own adoption.
![Jessica Evans](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/82a1/c11f/b210/8231/b663/Insta%20Daily3.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
Jessica Evans reflects on the condition that affects one in 10 of us but is rarely talked about.
![Jen Brister and Family](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/82fe/c11f/b274/5431/b672/Insta%20Daily%2014.43.39.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You're The Other Mother
If your partner carried your children, what does that make you? Jen Brister tells Grazia about life in a two-mum family.
![Miley and Liam](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/8398/c11f/b24b/7a31/b68b/744%20preview%20HOLD5.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If Your Marriage Lasts Less Than A Year
The wedding was amazing but a Band-Aid Big Day couldn't save the relationship – and so an embarrassingly short marriage ensued.
![Lil Caldwell](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/83dd/c11f/b232/7731/b691/graziadailybanner4.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You Walk Away From A Six-Figure Salary Job
As new figures reveal that record numbers are now 'overeducated' for their jobs, Lil Caldwell, 37, explains why swapping the law for floristry was her best decision yet.
![Ayisha Malik](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/8467/c11f/b256/9d31/b6a2/graziadailybanner6.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If: You're The Only Muslim In The Village
When Ayisha Malik moved to Dorset, she braced herself for reactions to her hijab. And was surprised at what she found.
![menopause](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/84c4/c11f/b268/2731/b6b7/hero%20hold2.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If: You're Going Through The Menopause At 30
A medical breakthrough now means the menopause could be delayed for 20 years. It's come too late for dancer Lindsay McAllister.
![Catherine Renton](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/85af/c11f/b20f/5531/b6ee/graziadailybanner.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If: You've Finally Conquered Your Alcohol Problem
When Catherine Renton chose to end her damaging relationship with booze, she lost friends, too. She reflects on the decision that changed her life.
![Things You Only Know If You've Been On 100 First Dates](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/ca56/c11f/b2eb/fd31/c261/739%20preview%20HOLD4.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You've Been On 100 First Dates
Charly Lester, 35, challenged herself to go on 30 blind dates before turning 30. Then things snowballed.
![Things You Only Know If: You've Gone From Committed Singleton To 'Basic Bride'](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d94/caae/c11f/b268/f631/c269/graziadailybanner4.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If: You've Gone From Committed Singleton To 'Basic Bride'
'Suddenly, I want all the things I used to roll my eyes at: the dress, the flowers, the inexplicably expensive cake. There is a new and very loud voice in my head, it insists that this is my special day, I'm a f**king princess and I should have exactly what I want'
![Things You Only Know If You Don't Have A Girl Gang](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/c6ac/c11f/b226/b331/d9b4/737%20preview%20HOLD5.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You Don't Have A Girl Gang
As a child, Amy Jones looked forward to the day she'd find her squad. No 29, she's still wondering where it is.
![Things You Only Know If Your Babies Arrive 10 Weeks Early](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/c742/c11f/b20a/1231/d9c7/731%20preview%20HOLD3.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If Your Babies Arrive 10 Weeks Early
After her twin daughters arrived at 29 weeks, Francesca Segal spent 56 days with them at the neonatal intensive care ward - an experience that changed her forever.
![Things You Only Know Ifu2026 You Live With Your Parents At 29](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/fa29/c11f/b26f/1d31/e229/livingwithparents.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If… You Live With Your Parents At 29
Anna Behrmann, 29, moved back home to save money. It's had its ups and downs.
![Things You Only Know If You Earn Significantly Less Than Your Friends](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/fa83/c11f/b231/0831/e231/graziadailybanner5.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You Earn Significantly Less Than Your Friends
After losing her job 31-year-old Olivia Foster found out the uncomfortable truth about what it means to be the broke friend.
![Things You Only Know If You're Living With M.E.](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/fac8/c11f/b243/2b31/e23e/graziadailybanner2.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You're Living With M.E.
When Hollie Brooks found herself so weak she couldn't even dress herself, she knew something was desperately wrong. To mark the end of ME Awareness Week, she tells her story.
![Things You Only Know If You're Plus-Size And Online Dating](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/fb24/c11f/b2ce/2a31/e271/Emma%20(33)_1024_Widthjpg.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You're Plus-Size And Online Dating
From men who think they're doing you a favour, to feeders who fetishise your body.
![Things You Only Know If You Gave Up Your Job To Follow Your Partner Abroad](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/fb66/c11f/b23a/f431/e274/graziadailybanner2-2.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You Gave Up Your Job To Follow Your Partner Abroad
'On bad days it could feel a bit 1950s'
![Things You Only Know If You've Chosen To Have A Baby Alone](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/fc28/c11f/b2ed/1531/e2c2/unnamed.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You've Chosen To Have A Baby Alone
Aged 37 and single, Genevieve Roberts decided to become a mum with the help of a sperm donor.
![Things You Only Know If You're An Adult Orphan](https://images.bauerhosting.com/legacy/media/5d95/fc89/c11f/b210/0431/e2d4/graziadailybanner.jpg?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Things You Only Know If You're An Adult Orphan
Emily Dean lost her parents and sister in the space of three years - and changed her whole life as a result.