Folklore says if you have a bad day/go through a break-up/lose a loved one/rip a hole in your tights... basically if anything you're not too happy happens, a cup of tea is the answer. The cast of Eastenders know all too well the healing properties of tea seeing as they offer it up as a solution even when they've just found out that their baby was swapped in the hospital or their sister is their mum. This proves that tea is basically the elixir of life.
Why, then, according to a Mintel report, have sales of tea (of all kinds) fallen by 22% over the last five years? With black tea suffering the most significant decrease. To make matters worse, biscuits are having a hard time too with sales falling from £994m in 2009 to £911m in 2014.
For me, a tea drinker, this raises a lot of questions about the human race and their dedication (or lack thereof) to the hot stuff. Here's some of them.
If someone asks if you want a cup of tea, what do you say?
I'm assuming it's not simply 'no' because you'd receive some seriously weird looks, am I right guys? If you don't drink tea, something went wrong during your childhood. Or at least, that's what people will think. I'm just saying.
What do you drink at 3pm if it's not tea?
Sorry, but if 3pm (4pm at a push) is not tea time, then I don't know when is. As far as I'm concerned, this is optimum tea drinking time because it's around then that you have your mid-afternoon slump, but it's nothing tea can't sort.
Don't you feel left out?
Tea is the bringer-together of people. 'Do you want to come round for a cup of tea?' is probably one of the most asked questions in the human language. I'm speculating, but still. Answering 'no I don't, I hate tea' a sure fire way to ostracise yourself from society.
What are you even drinking?
All other beverages pale in comparison to tea. That's a fact.
How do you get through any emotional situation?
As we've already established, tea sorts out any problem, big or small. So if you're not drinking tea, how the hell are you dealing with it? Don't tell me you're talking through the issue and getting to the root cause and actually resolving the issue? You have way too much time on your hands.
What about the milk in before/milk in after debate?
You are seriously missing out on being involved in one of life's greatest questions and experiencing some real passion/value small talk that you can pull out in any awkward social situation. FYI, the answer is milk in before. Every time.
What do you dip your biscuits in?
It's sort-of criminal to simply eat a biscuit, without dunking it in a cuppa first. But hang on, people aren't buying biscuits anymore either. WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE EATING/DRINKING?
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Picture: Matilda Hill-Jenkins
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.