There’s nothing fussy or pretentious about having the sort of stomach cramps that make you keel over and wave your friends to go on without you. Wheezing, bent over, crippled, you prop yourself up on a wall somewhere and wait for the feeling to pass. Why?
Because that waiter back at the restaurant rolled his eyes as soon as you said the word ‘allergies’ and then ignored everything you just said. Sure, some people are ‘allergic to dairy’ because they want to make a statement. The rest of us would kill to be able to eat cheese, just one last time. Nobody in their right mind would deny themselves a tiny sliver of a strong parmesan, or a bowl of fresh yoghurt and banana sitting on a beach somewhere.
Having a food allergy or severe intolerance can mean eating out chaos and can even restrict what drinks you can order at the bar. Restaurants are becoming better at knowing what goes into their food – most chains have a comprehensive allergy list – but who wants to spend their whole lives eating at Italian chain restaurants?
Here’s what’s really irksome about eating out with allergies (and how to get round it)
The sharing platter
‘Oh we’ll just share something.’ Popular at birthday meals, dinners commemorating sports victories, and those times when you have an impromptu drink that segues into food. Great for everyone else, terrible for allergy sufferers.
Get round this by eating a massive dinner before you go out, and politely pick at chips if anyone judges you for not sharing in the gluttony.
The guilt
Everyone with a food allergy or intolerance will have a friend who says, ‘I feel so bad for you,’ every time you go out and eat. Well, don’t. You know what’s making me feel worse is you reminding me that I can’t eat the ribs, sauce, or dumplings on your plate.
Quit feeling bad and maybe next time let’s go to a Thai restaurant where everything on the menu works for both of us. Get round this by pretending you’re having the best time ever, or, simply by just not turning up.
Friends giving too much of a damn or not enough of one
Francesca Peak is allergic to nuts and finds that the concern of friends can either be overwhelming or completely non-existent. ‘Friends’ reactions to the nut thing are at two ends of a spectrum – some are perfectly happy to trust me with my life, others fret and worry about everything I’m putting into my mouth, even if it’s as innocent as a strawberry.
‘They worry that I shouldn’t eat ANYTHING and heed the restaurant’s inevitable warning as a death sentence. In general, I’m perfectly comfortable eating out with friends but when they worry so much, they start to worry me, and it gets me into an obsessive cycle of thinking everything I’m eating might have nuts in and might kill me. Evidently, it hasn’t so far.'
Learn how to take a risk, or carry an epipen. That, or try a meditation course to ease the eating out anxiety.
The independent restaurant
According to the Food Standards Agency (aka the law) restaurants must have ingredients with all allergens clearly listed next to all meals. Some have no clue, and that’s OK. You just need to go simple and opt for rice noodles (gluten free) or things that definitely don’t have nuts in them.
Some independent restaurants fret about what the dish will look like if you ask to have part of it removed. ‘But the croutons are vital to really understand the chef’s journey.’
That’s nice, but if I eat those I will projectile vomit over your upcycled furniture and thatched beards, so maybe your chef can put his vanity aside, so I can sit here with my friends and try to look like I’m having a good time.
The ‘please don’t sue me’ restaurant
I’ve had entire meals dictated by over-zealous servers afraid I’m going to sue them if I get sick. The result of this is the blandest thing on the menu without dressing or sauce because ‘the chef cuts cheese near to this’.
I once had a server tell me I couldn’t order sorbet or chips because there might be dairy in them. Pal, if there’s dairy in chips you’re doing something wrong.
Francesca has had her fair share of server zealots, but she doesn’t mind as much. ‘Sometimes when the restaurant makes a huge fuss of checking every dish, running back and forth to and from the kitchen, it can be a little awkward. But in general, I prefer that reaction to them not giving a shit and just handing me whatever, or a dish with pesto “casually” drizzled on top. That’s enough to kill me.’
That said, sometimes you need to listen to the customer. If there’s a five-course banquet going on and you’ve whittled down their options so they’re just picking glumly at some roasted peppers, you’re doing something very wrong as a restaurant.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.