First up, straight out of the Donald Trump School of ‘You can be whoever you want to be, regardless of how stupid it sounds as long as you say it in a loud voice, with a straight face’ is Akin. He’s riffing on JP’s relationship with Binky like the least imaginative football pundit in the studio, with plenty of ‘blessing in disguise, lessons have been learned, time to move on’ waffle - but he also claims to be Batman to JP’s Robin. This is weird because he is currently sitting in the passenger seat of the car that JP is driving. I had to check my comic book facts to make sure my instincts were on with this one, but the second Google result I found is ‘Why Didn’t Batman Allow Robin To Drive The Batmobile?’, so unless they were roleplaying ‘Robin takes Batman to the airport’, Akin is talking nonsense.
Toff tells Jess and Emily that she’s keen to make amends with Tiff and go for coffee. Jess reacts as if she’s eight, and Toff has just suggested lending their combined Sylvanian Families to the girl who keeps nicking their gel pens. ‘I’d rather be on bad terms with someone than on fake terms,’ hisses Jess, with the relaxed certainty of a woman who has never cooked dinner for her in-laws. Then Tiff calls Toff from the cosiness of the Phene, reminding us all that Toff could do worse than figure out a friendship with the daughter of the landlord of a really nice pub. ‘I feel like I’ve just asked someone out,’ giggles a nervous Tiff. And Toff said yes! Hooray! Happily Jess is elsewhere, and sensible Emily is advising Toff to give it a go. ‘You won’t know until you try.’
Steph has a ‘cute outfit’ for her date with Julius, and she’s popped over to tell Binky all about it. ‘I asked if you still speak to Binky, he said “not at all!” says Steph, trying with all her might not to end the sentence by yelling ‘SO I WIN!’ ‘That’s right, we don’t!’ replies a bemused Binks. ‘Yeah, he said NOT AT ALL.’ Failing to get a rise out of her that way, Steph asks about what’s going on with the girls. Dude, why not just give her a sharp kick under the table while you’re there?!
Louise and Rosie go boxing, overcoming their ‘long nails and weak wrists’ and confirm that they won’t let Binky’s radio silence put them off their tough love mission. Liv drops by to see Fred and Boulle practising their conversational Arabic, and tells Fred that it’s time for him to meet the parents. Boulle is trying so hard to pretend he doesn’t care that he’s wrist deep up his own nostril when Liv walks in. ‘They’re really chilled! But don’t wear trainers,’ she advises. It’s going to be a relaxing lunch!
Jess tells an oddly interested Mytton that she’s ‘trying to save a very good friend from a very good friendship’ just as Toff and Tiff are making it up over hot chocolate in what appears to be a heavily upholstered airport lobby. It goes so well that Tiff invites Toff on a big night out. It’s adorable until Jess bumps into Emily, and learns all about it. This will end badly. As will Steph’s date with Julius, as she is waiting for him at a table with 24 oysters. ‘Oh, I don’t eat them,’ she coos, picking up a fork and funnelling them into Julius’ face. Let’s hope he’s not allergic to zinc! Seven oysters later, Julius is feeling horny, baby. ‘I usually go for brunettes, but I’d be happy to make an exception in your case! he generously tells Steph. Then they kiss so slurpily that you’d do angry coughing and newspaper rustling if you heard it on the bus. Bleurghhhh.
Rosie and Louise interrupt Binky’s dinner with Mark Francis, and make a plan for a future showdown. Here’s a helpful tip. If you’re in that sort of situation, it’s difficult for every party but you can make it much less awkward by resisting the impulse to scream ‘AWKWARD’ every four seconds as though you’re trying to record a dance track with Miranda Hart. Mummy and Daddy Bentley are brutal to Fred. ‘Which one are you? Have you told the fellow from Ghana?’ asks Dad Kevin (Really? Kevin?) Her Mum asks Fred if he’d like to join her at the hairdresser next week. Then they ask whether they’re boyfriend and girlfriend yet. It’s enough to give anyone indigestion. We almost want Steph to gatecrash with a bucket of oysters just to take the tension away.
Steph gets over Julius in record time when Toff tells her he’s 23. ‘But he’s so tall! Everyone I’ve ever dated has been my height, so I assumed, I mean, Victoria, you’re tall, you’re old.’ I hope for Julius’ sake that stupidity is not sexually transmitted. Jess turns up and has a tearful chat with Toff, telling her ‘I don’t want you to be friends with people who don’t like you!’ Toff gently points out that she’d prefer to avoid that too. Jess and Toff keep the fight alive in the club. Jess complains to Mytton about Toff, Mytton complains that it’s too hot (he appears to be a Uniqlo Heattech hoodie over his t shirt in a very busy bar. Mad.) We also learn that Ollie used to be an emo with a pierced tongue, and Liv had to take hers out because her Dad said it would make people think of blow jobs. Kevin, you don’t have to say everything that comes into your head. In fact, most of the time it’s probably better to keep very quiet.
Fred, sweet, loyal Fred, claims Liv’s parents were ‘super nice’ but has a long conversation with Boulle about being bothered by Liv’s assertion that they were just friends. Boulle tells him, rightly, to go away and talk to Liv. So he asks her….to…go to Vienna with him! ‘Did you know I play the violin?,’ he asks her. We do know that if you don’t make things official she’ll be taking her braless cavorting elsewhere, Fred. Ask the question. Toff, Tiff and Jess have one final run in. ‘I walked into this room and everyone said hi to me - that hasn’t happened in too long! I want you to be a part of it,’ pleads Toff. But Jess would rather have no friends at all. ‘I’m just being true to myself,’ she huffs. Who knows, grudge holding might be an Olympic event in 2020 and then Jess will have the last laugh.
Slightly more maturely, Binky, Rosie and Louise just about make it up. ‘I know I took the piss,’ says a conciliatory Binky, which a cue for Rosie to thrust towards her face and yell ‘You took the fucking piss!’ I’m no medical expert, but I do worry about Rosie’s health. When she’s angry she looks like she either needs new contact lenses or has an overactive thyroid. Hopefully this tricky truce will calm things on the medical front.
Hero of the week
I sort of want to give it for Toff for dropping the Julius age bomb on Steph. Her expression was unlike anything I’ve ever seen on television before. A face that launched a thousand gifs.
Villain of the week
As cross as I am about Jess’s grumpiness, I think it comes from an authentic place, and even if we don’t agree with her values, she’s holding onto them. So let’s give it to Kevin as a message to Dads everywhere - don’t be a dick to your daughter’s boyfriends at lunch, and don’t mention blow jobs ever.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.