So apparently we’re all eating less cheese on toast these days. According to a highly scientific survey by Mintel, the percentage of people who have eaten a slice of what is potentially the greatest food man ever invented has dropped from 67% to 60% – not that dramatic, granted, but we still can’t figure out why a whole 7% of people have jumped off the cheesewagon.
Why the decline? Apart from the fact we just had an unusually warm Autumn (no one wants cheese on toast when they’re sweaty?), cheese gets a bit of a bad rep for being fattening and really calorific, if you’re into using words like ‘calorific’. This is because both of these things are true: there’s loads of fat in cheese and so, loads of calories – but if you never ate anything with fat in it you’d be a really boring person. Everything in moderation, we say, which is why the odd bit of weekend cheese on toast won't hurt you, provided you don’t then go on to eat it for every meal over a period of 12 weeks.
Thankfully, we’ve got a COTs (cheese on toasts) for everyone – whether you want to be healthy, or you’re hungover/really looking to push the cheeseboat out.
**The Pauper’s COT **
**This is the one for you if: **You’ve got absolutely no money, but there’s a bit of bread and a bit of cheese in your cupboards/fridge.
How to make it: Grill one side of the bread until golden, then load the other side with grated cheese, because hey, when you grate it you don’t have to use as much. If there are any hard bits on the cheese where it’s become ravaged by the sands of time, then slice these bits and totally grill them along with the grated stuff because all’s fair in love and war. And, more relevantly, all hard bits of cheese turns soft when exposed to intense heat.
Tip: Throw in any leftover veg from your fridge that's on the turn – lay the slice soggy tomato/wilting spinach/sprouting onion (delete as appropriate) on the bread underneath the cheese to make things feel a bit sexier. Or rather, as sexy as slightly rotten veg ’neath old cheese possibly can.
**The Healthy COT **
This is the one for you if: You’re eating healthily but you’re craving some cheesy goodness and can’t quite bring yourself to go the whole (cheese)hog.
How to make it: Nutritionist Kirsten Crothers advises using brown bread with linseed for added fibre, and opting for cottage cheese. ‘Obviously that’s not quite the same, though, so you could try grating the cheddar so it spreads further, skipping butter or adding onions and mushrooms to hit two of your five a day,’ she suggests. ‘Using half-fat cheese is a good idea, too, because it still melts the same.’ If you don't have any half fat cheese to hand, Kirsten adds that maybe going for cheesy baked beans could be a healthy COT option. ‘Baked beans are really low in fat, full of protein and work really well with cheese – it’d be a lot healthier for you.’ We won’t add that the recommended serving size for cheese is the size of a postage stamp, because that’s just incredibly depressing. *
Tip: Have one slice of cheese on toast, and another slice of something yummy but way healthier. ‘You could go for one slice of toast with poached egg, and another with cheese, so you’re cutting down the amount of bad fats while still filling yourself up,’ advises Kirsten.
READ MORE: The Lunch You Can Make And Eat All Week When All Your Pots And Pans Are Dirty
The Exotic COT
This is the one for you if: You’re a diehard cheese fan and want to take your snacks to the next level.
How to make it: Oh Jesus, this is so good. Basically, Camembert melts like a dream and goes so well with fresh rosemary that it’s borderline illegal. Slice shitloads of the Camembert onto thick granary bread (after you've toasted the naked side, or whatever the terminology is for the side without the cheese on it) and pop some fresh Rosemary sprigs on the top before plonking it back under the grill. Do be careful that the Rosemary crisps, and doesn't just set fire to itself under the grill flame.
Tip: Caramelised onion chutney. And that’s all that needs to be said. Goodbye. Oh no wait – put cheddar on as well? Sorry, maybe that was too far – do try it, though. Why not, eh?
**The Ham COT **
This is one for you if: You like ham.
How to make it: As normal, but put a slice of ham on the toast before you put the cheese on it. I mean, it’s pretty self explanatory.
Tip: Er, obviously integrate some sort of mustard. Ham and cheese is nothing without mustard.
**The Ultimate COT **
This is the one for you if: You’ve got a bit of time, a bit of love, and a bit of quality cheese.
How to make it: Use thick slices of rustic bread, proper salted butter, grated (excellent quality) cheddar, wholegrain mustard and mayonnaise. Mix the cheese, mustard and mayo together and spread really thickly on the bread that’s been lightly grilled until golden for three minutes. Light candles and eat in the bath to the sound of monks chanting, if that’s your thing. Otherwise, just eat it at a table like a normal person, but it’ll totally blow your mouth off. Big props to The Stone Soup for this recipe.
**Tip: **Add finely chopped red onion. OMG.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.