Straight off the bat this week it’s clear that Paul’s fearsome reputation when it comes to bread week has not gone unnoticed by the contestants and they've been preparing accordingly. Andrew’s been practising prodding his bread at home, just like Paul while Kate’s concerned she’s more of a ‘bloomers and baps girl’ (really). The only baker that doesn’t seem worried about Paul’s encyclopaedic obsession with baking bread is light of our life Val. ‘I’ve been doing it for years,’ She says. ‘It’s just another week’. Which is exactly the kind of bounce-back-ability we like to see from a woman who nearly lost it all with last week’s gingerbread ruin of the Statue of Liberty in Yorkshire.
First up, the bakers are making chocolate bread. Mel says that the chocolate bread MUST contain chocolate in exactly the same manner I tell my friend at Tasty Kebab that my cheesy chips MUST contain cheese. And chips. At which point he tends to roll his eyes due to my stating of the bleeding obvious. The bakers are allowed to design and shape their chocolate bread in any way they wish which turns out to be an opportunity wasted when NOT ONE of them chooses to emulate the emoji poo through the medium of bread.
Candice and Paul have a little tiff, ‘Yes, he really, really is’ Candice growls when Mary asks if Paul is trying to frighten Candice by questioning her methods. Could Candice be the first contestant to snap and give Paul a jolly good thrashing with a whisk? Or a well-deserved soaking with egg whites? Fingers crossed and watch this space kids.
Undeterred by his beef (mmm beef) with Candice, Paul continues to patrol round the room like the he himself came up with the concept of bread as he casts scorn on Rav and Benjamina for not knowing obscure terminology for international bread products. Paul, we get it you like bread. Maybe the bakers have other stuff to do on their Saturday nights rather than to memorise all 7,484 words of the Wikipedia entry for ‘bread’.
Selasi has kicked his campaign to be crowned 'most laid back baker of all time' up a notch. He is actually lying on the floor, undeterred by Paul and unruffled by the heavy dough kneading going on around him. At this point we're 80% sure you could walk up to Selasi stark bollock naked and unsolicited, tell him you're him new girlfriend and that you're entirely made out of bread and he’d just look at you, shrug and sort of say ‘meh’.
When it comes to judging, Andrew gets rave reviews from Paul. Benjamina gets told her chocolate bread tastes like wallpaper paste. Paul stabs visciously Kate's creation with his podgy fingers with all the grace of a three year old who’s been allowed to finger paint for the very first time. As for the rest of the bakers, most of them have failed to fully cook their dough which gives Paul a chance to walk around gloating like he's been crowned the Bread King, complete with a bagel crown and Wonderbread cape. Tom does very well, as do Andrew and Rav. Candice sadly, has done very badly indeed and Paul refuses even to taste her offering to his wheaty highness.
For the next challenge the bakers are told to make a ’dampfnudel’ which sounds less like a yummy bread option and more like what happens if you leave a packet of ramen out in the rain. According to Mel and Sue’s history lesson though it turns out the dampfnudel is a steamed bread dumpling thing that is actually credited with saving a German town from being pillaged by the Swedish army back in the 17th century. Apparently, during the 30 Years War, the local baker made 1286 dampfnudel in order to satisfy the hunger pangs of the bloodthirsty Swedes. The real question is though, will the team’s dampfnudels be able to do anything to quell the rampaging Paul? It's unlikely.
The dampfnudel inuendos are out in full force. 'Crispy bottoms’ is one, ‘wrinkly balls’ is another, it’s a whole thing. When it comes to the juding, Rav loses but Val has, for once, totally nailed it. Val is coming home. Val is going to save the world. One dampfnudel at a time.
For their showstopper round, the gang are to make a savoury, plaited 'centerpiece' which is confusing because after watching every episode of Don’t Tell The Bride, I thought centrepieces were exclusively allowed to include plastic flowers and shiny marbles that look like they've been rescued from the early noughties wreckage of the centerpieces at footballer-favourite club ChinaWhites. The bakers crations needs to include THREE flours, which is nearly enough to send all those gluten dodging wellness bloggers into anaphylactic shock. At least until they remember that they don't actually have celiac disease and they’ve been lying to the world about how bad gluten really is for you.
Kate chooses to make a maiden out of corn which looks like something the villagers from The Wickerman would have danced naked around with full 70s bush before they set it on fire and shagged each other senseless. Candice is making a ‘camute’ which no-one seems to know much about. Tom is making a breaded, plaited ode to Thor. No word on whether Loki and Taylor Swift are showing up later to try and steal his thunder. Val has totally rogue and is making a full Noah’s Ark with just one elephant because apparently it had an argument with the other elephant. Despite this delightful piece of information we worry this project might be slightly overambitious after last week’s Planet of The Apes saga.
While Selasi tries to remember how to plait, Andrew is weaving an entire basket in the corner. Tom meanwhile has created something that looks like, well, there’s no getting around it, it looks like willy. Balls and all. ‘It’s very male’ Mel says tactfully as Tom protests that his phallic bread creation is actually a 'T' for Thor. Sure Tom, whatever you say.
Kate is whispering ‘you can do it’ to herself in a Bruce-Willis-in-Friends kind of way while she bakes her pagan doll. Val’s doughy elephant meanwhile is not playing ball and is still uncooked and doughy in the oven. In shock she manages to cut herself. Undeterred, Sue straps up Val's left hand while Val rearranges her bready giraffes which, as Mel points out, do look like slugs, with the other hand. Other than that, it’s probably the least stressful showstopper challenge we’ve see in a long old time.
Not that that stops Paul from ripping the creations apart. TBF Val’s ark does look more like someone left it next to an open flame and the animals melted down two by two. It’s a bit raw, and salty, although Val claims that’s to add a sea-esque feel to the creation. Paul is not convinced.
Tom’s ‘T’ now that it's baked still looks yep, like a penis. Benjamina though, despite struggling in some of the earlier rounds, nails it with her onion bread heart. Jane too gets rave reviews for her chorizo bread. Selasi's tenuous 'tree and sharing bread' centrepiece doesn't wash well with the judges and Michael, the baby of the game, is in a world of trouble with his undercooked, under-varnished ode to Cyprus.
Unsurprisingly, Candice has cracked under the pressure and Paul is not impressed with her plaiting and/or baking attempts. She's very upset and whispers a mournful goodbye to the other bakers as she walks back to her station.
But in the end it’s wunderkind Michael, the show’s youngest contestant who’s heading back to university empty handed thanks to his Cypriot mess. I'm not too worried about Michael though, he's still got his whole life ahead of him. Plenty of time to out-bake Paul.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.