OK, so there's a lot going on in the world at the moment, but most importantly, there was a cheese survey conducted by Branston Pickle and the UK voted cheddar as the best cheese. Not the most user-friendly cheese. Not the best cheese to go with pickle. The best cheese of all the cheeses. Which, if you've ever tried any other cheese, you'll know is total bullshit and it's a travesty that this result came out without anyone consulting me or anyone else I know. What sort of survey is this, if only 2000 cheeselovers were surveyed? Do an official censor! A democratic election! More people would vote on cheese than politics, I'm prepared to bet a wheel of edam on it. Which, invariably, is a pretty shit cheese as cheeses go.
So let's look at the breakdown of the top 10 and discuss where it all went wrong. Because sometimes you need to do this sort of in-depth analysis when it comes to cheeses.
10: Cream Cheese
What the actual. How did cream cheese make it on to this list above Jarlsberg, or that garlicky one with the herbs? Boursin? Why is Boursin not on here and why aren't I eating it right now. Just a few initial questions that zip through the brain when reading a top 10 cheese list in the UK. Alright, so cream cheese is useful for sauces and it tasted excellent on a bagel, but it's so blah. Cream cheese is Chris Hemsworth. Or, if you're a fan of Chris Hemsworth, cream cheese is a bowl of Cheerios. Or, if you're a fan of Cheerios, cream cheese is a supermarket-bought notebook. And if you're a fan of those, then get out. Yeah, they're good for writing on and yeah, they do the job, but nobody is going to get overexcited by an A5 spiral pad. We're still discussing cream cheese, by the way, I've just gone a bit wild with the metaphors.
9. Camembert
How is this so low down, and how is it only just better than cream cheese (see above)? Throw some rosemary over a camembert, stick it in the over, and you've got the sort of snackfood that will make guests (or just you) borderline aroused. I'm not exaggerating when I say I choose camembert over bonking, I'm being deadly serious because once you've had a wheel of camembert, there's no way you'll be taking any trips to sex town, but it's worth it. Every time. It's so creamy on the inside and crisp on the outside. You can dip anything in it (except yoghurt). Why it isn't up there in the top five is anyone's guess, and if I wasn't so busy writing articles about cheese then I might start a protest or a change.org.
8. Feta
Greece might be a bit miffed about the placement of this salad champion, but I reckon this is about right - it's a straight talking cheese that does exactly what it says on the tin. As in, it's good in Greek salads, works really well on tomato-based sauces, you can also eat it out of the packet like an apple at 3am if you're me and really drunk, but it's also pretty divisive. You either enjoy the soured taste, or you think it tastes like off milk (which is what cheese is, dillhole).
7. Wensleydale
Deserving of its place on this list purely for being Wallace's fave, and if you haven't seen Wallace and Gromit then go watch them all immediately.
6. Stilton
I feel quite strongly that this Stilton should be number one, because it's the mother of all cheeses. The really smelly, terrifying, mother. If you've never had a bucketload of stilton on waterbiscuits with a bottle of red wine then you need to sort this out immediately (maybe while watching Wallace and Gromit's back catalogue) because you're not a lover of cheese unless you can chow down on an aged stilton without choking. It really does separate the cheese-wheat (chweat) from the cheese-chaff (chaff. Oh.): the crumble, the eye-watering aftertaste, that uneasy feeling that you'll probably spend the next three days on the loo. God it's wonderful.
5. Parmesan
Not as good as stilton, but I can see why it scored so high: when you're having a pasta dish, no other cheese will do. People who grate cheddar on their pasta can fuck right off, pardon my French, as it's borderline blasphemy and no, I don't care if it's mature or not. It has to be parmesan otherwise you might as well just piss all over your meal. Or not put any cheese on it at all. Ready-grated parmasan is awesome, but there's nothing fancier than having a slab of the fresh stuff in your fridge for when friends come round because it makes you look like A Woman Who Has Her Shit Together. Or just A Woman Who Knows Cheeses.
4. Brie
Why is brie above camembert?! Camembert is basically brie, but better. It's like when you get twins, and one of them is way hotter than the other and yes, you like both of them, but it's a real elephant in the room. Camembert is the elephant in brie's room - a sentence I never thought I'd write when I woke up this morning - and I don't understand what is wrong with everyone. But hey, let's take it on its own merit because it needs a bit of a confidence boost and, let's face it, when you order a cheeseboard and it doesn't contain brie, you feel really short-changed. And it's excellent when melted on a sandwich. But watch out, because it's got way more popular as of late, so in order to get the flavourful stuff, avoid supermarket-brand bries. I once had a night in with some own-brand brie because I have a vibrant social life, and it tasted of nothing but its own texture. Devastating. Don't make the same mistake.
3. Red Leicester
Oh cool, yeah. Why not put the cheese that tastes like shit cheddar at number three. It's not like Boursin is full of garlic and herbs, as previously discussed. I think I'm going to cry.
2. Mozzarella
Great with chopped avocado and tomato. Great on pizza. But that's it, right? It's just watery rubber when you eat it with anything else, and if you put it on a dish the whole thing becomes so stringy you end up having to ring the emergency services. Or break your way out, cocoon-style. I mean, it's a totally fine cheese but hardly worthy of number two status unless you're Italian or really like cocoons.
1. Cheddar
OH GOD YOU'RE ALL SO BORING. 'But when you get a lovely mature slab of cheddar it's really nice' I hear everyone cry, unanimously, through their ploughman's lunches. Sorry, by 'nice' do you mean 'dull'? And by 'lovely mature slab of cheddar' do you mean 'slice of really standard cheese'? Yes, you do. Because cheddar is ubiquitous, it's in everything, it's used for everything, it's one of the more flexible dairy products, but that doesn't make it the best. Flexibility doesn't equal good. Hitler could probably touch his toes, do you see what I'm saying? No, because that made no sense, but my over-arching point still stands: cheddar is fine, but it's by no means the most interesting, flavourful of the cheeses, and I'm disappointed in you.
The one saving grace, I suppose, is that cheddar works well on toast. And cheese toasties are nice. So I suppose that's something to comfort ourselves with as we go forward in a world where people genuinely think cheddar is better than brie.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.