According to Animal Aid, every year in the UK around 1,000 million animals are killed for food. To keep costs down so supermarkets can sell that cheap-as-chips meat and milk we love so much, the animals are given the bare minimum needed to survive and provide. Chickens are packed into filthy cages and never allowed to see the light of day, calves are torn away from their mothers as soon as they’re born so her udders can be emptied for our consumption and pigs who are too sick to be of use are smashed against the wall and left to die. And that’s not even scratching the surface.
So, if last month’s Cecil the Lion story and the grossness of mankind had made you want to up your ethics game, then I’m here to ease you in, one Linda McCartney sausage at a time. Oh, and fear not – I’m no preachy earth mother. Until eight years ago, I existed solely on a diet of BLTs and chicken kievs and it took me a long time to go veggie, because quite frankly, I had no idea what the fuck I’d eat except potato waffles and the odd frozen pea. Fast forward to the present day and I’m mostly vegan, farting my way through tins of chickpeas a rate of knots, despite swearing that vegans were mental only a couple of years ago.
So, my meat-eating mate. Here’s what you need to know. Bicep flex emoji
1. You don’t have to go cold turkey (lolz)
First, I gave up lamb. Then I gave up beef. Then chicken. And then, on New Year’s Eve 2006, I sat at the buffet table of a party, stuffing all the sausage rolls/pork pies/scotch eggs I could fit into my mouth until the clock struck 12, when I never touched a morsel of meat again. (Lies, see below.) If that’s not your bag, try Meatless Mondays. Then add Tuesday. And Wednesday. And so on.
2. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip up
OK, so I lied. I did touch meat again. By accident. I once chowed down on the guy I was seeing’s food, not realising it had finely chopped chicken in it. He felt awful. I got over it. There isn’t an all-seeing veggie god who’s going to strike you down if you accidentally (or accidentally on purpose) eat meat. I’m 95% vegan now and 5% ‘Jesus Christ I really want haloumi’. Yes, I feel guilty after I’ve eaten an entire block of salty, salty cheese, but you know what? You’re changing your eating habits for reasons personal to you and there’s no need to flagellate yourself with tofu kebabs if a piece of doner meat flies in your mouth one night.
3. Get educated
The more you read about the meat and dairy industries, the more you’re likely put down the steak in times of weakness. The way we as humans treat animals we’re using for food is quite frankly barbaric. If you’re going to eat something or take away its milk, at least give it a good life. I’ve never understood why people will love their pet dog enough to let it sleep on their bed, yet won’t blink an eyelid at a baby cow being ripped away from its mother. Read Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer and watch Earthlings. There is SO MUCH stuff we’re ignorant to, but once you find out what goes on behind closed doors, it’s pretty hard to forget.
4. Embrace meat substitutes
THEY’RE SO GOOD! Linda McCartney makes amazing food from beyond the grave, and I was obsessed with her sausages even before I turned veggie – they make amazing sausage sarnies and barbecue like a dream. There are substitutes for almost everything – pork pies, pepperoni, scotch eggs, chicken kievs, sausage rolls, meat balls – you name it, Quorn or Linda McCartney probs make it. Quorn’s Family Roast is my saviour when it comes to Christmas Day/roast dinners. It’s basically fake, succulent chicken and even my mum loves it and she’s a Die Hard Carnivore™.
5. Learn to love labels
I spent years dreaming about crushing Walkers Mighty Meaty multipacks into a saline solution and allowing it to slowly drip into my system 24/7. Until they ruined my life by adding ground up pig/chicken/cow into all their once-veggie meat flavours. YOU BASTARDS. Always read the label, you never know where they’ve thrown in some hidden meat for fun.
6. Be organised
Changing your diet can be a bit of a headfuck when you first hit Tesco, so you’ve got to be prepared. I spend part of my weekend looking at food blogs and planning my meals for the week ahead. Then I cook up one dinner meal (like this) and one lunch meal (like this), so I always have something to take to work/eat when I get home. Obvs, you can still be spontaneous, but having decent food ready and waiting stops you getting tempted back to the dark side. Just search #vegetarian or #vegan on Instagram and you’ll have a zillion recipe ideas. Deliciously Ella and Minimalist Baker do great, simple recipes.
7. Accept that eating out may lose its sparkle a bit
Eating out an being veggie is actually pretty easy these days – you’re just going to have to get used to a lot of variations on spinach and ricotta if you live outside a city. Whenever I eat out, I just check ahead on the menu and if there’s nothing for me to eat, I eat beforehand and have chips or a little salad when I’m there. While getting slowly drunker than everybody else. Whey! I’m not gonna lie, though – it’s shit. Eating out is one of my favourite things and it’s just not as fun anymore thanks to my lack of options. However, there are veggie places like Mildreds in London, which even meateaters flock to, so maybe your carnivorous mates will be happy to go there once in a while.
8. Invited to a dinner party? Tell the host
In my early days, I made the rookie error of not telling the host that I was veggie ’cos I didn’t want to make a fuss. I figured I’d just pick around the meat and eat what I could. I ended up inadvertently making her feel really bad and I felt like a prick. Nowadays, I’ll tell them I’m veggie/vegan and let them know I’ll bring my own dish that I can also share with people. Or if they insist on making you something, which they likely will, bring an amazing dessert or something.
9. Get used to annoying questions
‘Will you cry if I eat this burger in front of you?’ ‘Vegetarians eat fish, right?’ ‘So, like if it was the end of the world and there were only Big Macs left to eat, would you eat one?’ These are all questions I get on the reg. I’ve learned to not rise to the bait. Also, get used to people waving meat in your face. It’s gonna happen a lot. I don’t know why other people are so bothered by my eating habits but they are, and they will be by yours, too. Just let them say their piece and leave it at that.
10. You will never get over the smell of bacon
My housemate’s cooking it as we speak and OH GOD I JUST WANT TO NOSEDIVE INTO HIS CARBONARA, but I won’t because…
11. Keep reminding yourself why you’re doing it
If you’re serious about it, then every time you’re tempted, imagine the meat as a happy little piggy or the cheese as a crying calf. It really works. To (mis)quote Kate Moss: ‘Nothing tastes as good as not being an inhumane twat feels.’
12. Thanks to your tastebuds, it gets easier
The first dairy product I cut out was cow’s milk, and when I’ve drunk it on the odd occasion, I realised that I’d grown to hate the taste. (It also helps that I now know milk is full of pus and stress hormones that fuck up your own hormones.) Also, every time I’ve given in and eaten cheese, it’s never tasted as good as I remember.
13. Oh, and you probs want to know about animal testing and stuff
I’ll be honest, going cruelty-free with beauty and household goods is pretty difficult, and I’m still working on it. I find PETA to be a bit extreme and Ingrid Newkirk really needs to chill the fuck out, but they’ve probably got the most useful list of companies who animal test. It gets complicated, because companies can be a bit shady and say they don’t test their products on animals, when in actual fact the ingredients that make the product are tested on animals. If you’re after household cleaner that does the job and doesn’t harm bunnies, then Ecover is your best bet – they’re in all the major supermarkets.
Honestly, if I can do it, I reckon you can, too. Be the change you want to see in the world but at the same time, remember that you can’t do everything at once. There’s always going to be someone who points out that I linked to Amazon in this, who don’t pay their tax, or that I recommend Ecover, who use palm oil, but you know what? Be a chiller and pick your battles.
It’s pretty much impossible for your average Joe to be 100% ethical so let’s all just do what we can and try make the world a better place for all beings.
Namaste. (I’M KIDDING, AS IF I’D SIGN OFF WITH NAMASTE.)
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
A Few Questions You Should Just Never Ever Ever Ask A Vegetarian
Take Back Your Tuesday With These Excellent Veggie #TacoTuesday Recipes
Follow Lisa on Twitter @LisaBowHorse
Photographed by Lauren Hillebrandt
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.