I’m a vegetarian because I don’t like meat and never really did. Used to eat chicken when I was really young but then really went off that aged 14 aft– sorry am I boring you? Because that’s the exact effect reading a gastropub menu has on me. There’s always one vegetarian option, and it’s always the same thing everywhere – because chefs, apparently, can’t think of anything to make without meat that doesn’t involve goat’s cheese.
How come I can make a chilli with quorn mince but nobody in the industry can? It takes less time than actual mince. And while we’re on the subject, why is the vegetarian option at pubs always so embarrassingly shit? When I go for dinner, it’s nice to be able to order something that doesn’t make people feel bad. Restaurants, I’m not really talking to you – you’ve got your game face on and your veggie options down. Indian, Chinese, Mexican, Turkish... everywhere apart from French places are at least trying to nail the meat-free option.
But before there’s an avalanche of ‘Er, stop being fussy and start eating meat’ comments, I’m not fussy. I always make do with what’s there – recently I went to a steak-only restaurant and was totally fine with the five sides as a main, and I’d rather eat a drinks coaster than make someone feel uncomfortable for enjoying a ribeye.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not royally bored of the following vegetarian options trotted out in this new wave of cool pubs that do ‘really great food’ for everyone who isn’t a vegetarian:
Goat’s cheese tart
Why do you presume that people who don’t eat meat like tarts? Nobody likes cheese tarts except 50-year-old women back in 1972, but it’s 2015 now, everyone. We’ve built iPads and entire cities and those little things that stop your shopping bags digging into your hands, so why am I still eating goat’s cheese tarts every time I go to a pub?
They look so shit in comparison to the meaty glory being carted out alongside them, and it’s not the meat that appeals to me, but the heartiness of it all. I’m vegetarian, not allergic to feeling full, so why is a puff pastry tart involving a slice of goat’s cheese and a cherry tomato my whole meal when my friends are eating 4,000 calories worth of pig as well as four sides?
Weird roasts
There is nothing shitter than going for a roast and finding out that yours is a goat’s cheese tart (see above) covered in jus. There’s so much wrong with this I’m getting a tightness in my chest trying to articulate it. Firstly, this is not a roast. Don’t advertise it as a roast. I don’t want a goat’s cheese tart/butternut squash flambé/weird-ass egg shit covered in something that isn’t gravy.
Roast potatoes fried in meaty fat? Roast some in olive oil, dickhead, and serve them to me. Give me a Yorkshire. Buy vegetarian Bisto and add water to it because jus might be nice on other things, but it has no place on a roast. Would your meat-eating customers like jus on their roast? Er, no. Again, I’m a vegetarian, not a jus-enthusiast.
Mushroom risotto
It’s a bit boring, isn’t it. And if the pub isn’t serving a goat’s cheese tart, it’s definitely doing a mushroom risotto. Seriously, would prefer any other risotto.
Stuffed peppers
Do you think this is fancy or something? At uni, I had stuffed peppers every other night for about three years (it was catered) and can attest to the fact that nothing tastes better when it’s in a pepper.
People also like to scrimp on the filling as if you won’t notice (because it’s in a pepper!) – dry couscous with some peas in a pepper, boiled rice with some peas in a pepper, boiled rice and couscous in a pepper. Oh, you put cheese on it? Oh thank you so much, I hope you get a knighthood.
But one of the stipulations of knighthoodery is eating stuffed peppers twice a week – that’ll be fine though, right, because it’s got cheese on it.
Nut wellington
I mean what the fuck is this?
Soup
Want to be really clear about this: I like soup. Sometimes. Saying you don’t like soup is like saying you don’t like ‘sauce’. There are loads of different types and a hearty soup at the right time (a cold winter’s evening when your heater has broken, for example) can be calming, warming and soothing.
But when I ask what the vegetarian option is and you say it’s a carrot soup, that’s not a good answer. It’s an answer that means I’ll be going to another pub, or eating it really slowly while staring at everyone else’s food. Salting it with my tears.
And now everyone feels sorry for me, thereby propogating the myth that vegetarians are sad, frail people who have to eat soup and then cry while they eat it.
In actual fact, we eat just as much as the next person. Or, we would, if you didn’t keep force-feeding us fucking soup.
Quiche
Quiche is the sort of thing I’d eat if I was starving, but it’ll never enhance a meal. I’ll never write about it in my diary. It’s a shit pizza that’s halfway between a cake and an omelette and while I’m totally fine to eat it – because sometimes you’re at a barbecue and the host has bought you a quiche, and that’s very kind of them – I’ll never feel anything close to enjoyment or satisfaction.
In fact, I’ll probably feel the total opposite. ‘Dear diary, today I ate a quiche and felt sad.’
Portobello mushroom veggie burger
‘Oooh, maybe we should serve vegetarian burgers so we can cater for more people’
‘Oh great idea Keith, shall we get in some of those vegetarian patties? Or maybe I’ll make some vegetarian patties because I’m a chef?’
‘I think a really, really, really big flat mushroom would do the same sort of job’.
I hate Keith. I also hate the chef in this scenario for complying with Keith, but understand that sometimes you have to respect authority for the sake of future pay rises and bonus possibilities. But ordering a vegetarian burger and getting a really big mushroom on a piece of bread is like being eight years old and opening a birthday present only to discover it’s a really big mushroom on a piece of bread.
Think about it: this is a really short list. Think of all the food in the world at your disposal. Think of all the combinations those foods can make. Think about how people who don’t eat meat still like to feel full after a meal. Think about mac and cheese. A really good Spanish omelette shot through with melted cheese. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Chilli. Curry. Fajitas. Nachos.
And don’t, for God’s sake, put it in a fucking pepper.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.