Today E.L. James did the impossible and turned her bestselling Twilight-porn trilogy into a steamy quartet with *Grey. *The latest bonk-busting instalment focuses on Ana and Christian's relationship from the BDSM-obsessed billionaire's perspective. Thankfully, her inner goddess is no more, and we've scoured the latest book for some equally filthy one-liners, purely for your pleasure/LOLz...
This one...where Grey doesn't think he can have a normal shag
'Vanilla sex? Can I do this?'
This one...where footwear gets in the way
'I make quick work of removing her sneaker and sock. To tease her I run my thumbnail along her instep and she writhes gratifyingly on the bed.'
This one...where Ana gets an aubergine-shaped shocker
'Her mouth drops as she looks from my penis to my face…and back again. I can’t help my wicked grin. Her face is a picture of maidenly outrage.'
This one...where E.L. James got a bit bored
'She’ll be hungry when she wakes, but I have no idea what she’ll eat, so in a rare moment of indulgence I order a selection from the breakfast menu. I’m informed it will take half an hour.'
This one...which is a bit TMI
'I taste my ejaculate in her mouth.'
This one...where you'll never see asparagus in the same way EVER again
'Still holding my stare, she picks up an asparagus spear and deliberately bites her lip.
What is she doing?
Very slowly, she places the tip of the spear in her mouth and sucks it.
Fuck'
This one...where who knew toe-squeezing was such a turn-on
'Her eyes widen and her mouth is open, moving alternately between a small to a capital O. When I bite the pad on her toe a little harder, her pelvis flexes and she whimpers.'
This one...where we're left wondering why apples?
'She smells of Ana and apples and sex'
This one...in which we learn about figging
'An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can't clench her buttocks, comes to mind'
This one...which speaks for itself
'Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick'
This one...in which we're impressed by Grey's comic timing
'The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.'
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.