If you've never listened to Dear Joan And Jericha, the amazingly funny podcast from Julia Davis and Vicki Pepperdrine, you're missing out. Irreverent, witty and totally filthy, it sees the pair take on the personas of Joan and Jericha, two so-called life coaches who seem totally confident that their way is always best . The show has proved so popular that the women have returned in book form, where they dole out advice to those in need.
Grazia has an exclusive extract of Dear Joan And Jericha: Why He Turns Away, featuring the duo's advice on how - and where - to meet eligible men. A disclaimer for those who may not be au fait with the podcast: we don't actually suggest trying out any of their advice.... Are you sitting comfortably?
Your Own Doorstep
Next time the Amazon delivery guy calls round, answer the door in just your pants and ask him if he wants a cup of tea or ‘something stronger’. Then, when he hands you the machine to sign for your parcel, grab at his crotch and say you’d like to sign for his parcel. He likely won’t get the innuendo, but that’s when you can make your move and haul him into your property. If you need to strike him with a blunt instrument, then so be it; a rolling pin works well, or simply bonk him to the ground with his own machine. And if he’s unconscious for any length of time, it gives you the chance to test out the goods with a few dry humps and some long sloppy kisses. Should he come round mid-snog, explain that he had a massive heart attack and you’re kindly administering life-saving mouth to mouth. You’d be surprised how many women have found a husband this way – many of them Hollywood celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow.*
*Fun fact, both Chris Martin and Brad Falchuk were Amazon delivery guys before marrying Gwyn and still keep their hand in now..
The Doctors
Make as many appointments with male GPs as possible and no matter the ailment, always ask for an internal. Don’t take no for an answer. This can work just as well with dentists as they are medically trained, so asking for an intimate examination is not out of the question – and wonderfully erotic if he keeps one glove on to fumble around your mouth and his naked hand to manipulate his pointy teeth-tools and poke his tiny mirrors about your front bottom.
Maternity Wards
Maybe your best friend has just had a baby, so her husband will be desperate for sex. Now’s the time to swoop in. Arrive at the hospital in thigh-high boots with your nipples erect and give her the small gift you’ve brought for baby (a second-hand hat or simple pen will suffice as babies really don’t need much). Say she looks awful and ask how ARE her thirty stitches down below, then suggest you and ‘Dad’ grab a coffee from the hospital vending machine. Shovel him into the nearest cupboard en route and fellate him til the charge nurse knocks on the door for fresh linen supplies. You can then blackmail him by announcing you’ll tell his wife he assaulted you and if he doesn’t leave her and the new baby right now, you’ll kill yourself. Works every time.
Funerals can be a fab place to meet guys. And the beauty is you can gatecrash as many as you like, as no one will ever confront a weepy stranger in a sexy black number, particularly if she’s let everyone know she’s gone commando by sitting at the side and scissoring her legs throughout the service. A lot of these tragic mourning guys are very vulnerable, particularly if their wife has just passed away, as they don’t know who’s going to cook their dinner. Studies have shown that the human sex drive increases by 750 per cent at a funeral, particularly in the poignant moment when the coffin is just beginning to nudge its oaky head through the curtains at a cremation. This is the moment our scissoring lady can relish the sight of rows of gents with big bulgy frontages popping up along the pews. And at the reception afterwards there’ll be many a locked cupboard and ‘engaged’ toilet sign, as dowdy spinsters with black lips from too much red wine disappear for twenty minutes, only to return with their jowly cheeks caked in creamy streaks. Folk enjoying the bereavers-buffet will suddenly find themselves bombarded by all sorts of fishy smells and wafts coming from those just back from the loos, the stench of mourner’s sperm and ‘Spinster’s Vagina’ hanging heavy in the air. So if you play your cards right funeral-wise, you might just end up with a ring on your finger for your troubles!
Hospitals are also a great venue to nab a fella. You’ll need to go for guys who are feeling desperate, so do keep your eyes peeled for someone who’s just been told their wife is dying, or that they themselves are. Some of you may cock your snook at the thought of dating a dying guy, but beggars can’t be choosers and at least you can show friends and family that you’ve finally got someone to call your own! It’s also going to be a lot easier to force a terminal fella into marriage. But do hurry, because lonely ladies love to flock around a man on his last legs! Don’t slack on grooming yourself, nor on pleasuring him – seal the deal in a chemo session with a hearty blow job and a couple of packets of Monster Munch. Some ladies don’t want friends to know she’s marrying a terminal guy, but with some heavy makeup and clever padding he can be made to look relatively normal so you can enjoy the big day as every woman should. When he does finally pop off, you can say, ‘Just my luck!’ or, ‘I’d finally found Mr Right and now it’s all gone wrong’, and then you can angle for a luxury funeral shower, demanding a big batch of pricey sympathy gifts. There, you can brag about your perfect ‘once in a lifetime’ love, whilst keeping your eyes peeled at the cremation for any spare mourning hotties.
Psychiatric hospitals are teeming with available guys, so all you desperate ladies who are normally at home with your dildos on constant charge can simply wander in and get amongst it to satisfy your grim fantasies. Security is very lax, so you can pose as a concerned relative or dress up as a sexy doctor – and with access to so many extremely powerful drugs and fun restraining aids, the world is your oyster! If you’re in the mood, you can even ‘kidnap’ a new life partner (or take two home if you’re feeling greedy!). Yes, there may be some teething issues with these unstable types trying to stab you or thinking they’re Hitler but, let’s face it, that’s not much different from being married to a ‘normal’ guy!
Death Row
Who doesn’t love a bad guy? And here you’ve got hulking great beasts who’ve slaughtered their way to the electric chair, caged and dangerous, in this incredibly charged and romantic setting, having thus far only had each other for solace in the showers. It really is a huge turn-on for everyone involved as you flirt with your grisly killer on the phone and press your urgent breasts against the smeary glass panel, whilst the beefy prison guard looks on, a hefty bump forming in his greasy nylon trousers. But, ladies, this can be a competitive arena, so do be sure you’re offering something a little bit more than all the other rabid spinsters foaming at the mouth in the booths alongside. Again, no pants please, if you want your murderer to propose!
Isolated places
Women are generally told to avoid woods and deserted moors, but these can be wonderful ways to meet unusual men if you’re down on your marital luck. Don’t be too snobby if the guys you meet in the dead of night in a bleak wood or on a lonely moor are naked from the waist down, or are busy hanging hooks and nooses about the place. These are creative men who deserve your time and effort. You could make him feel more appreciated by whipping off your undies and tossing a trail of yummy biccies or gingerbread crumbs about the place and see if that doesn’t have him running through the trees towards you with a big smile and a fat willy.
Street corners
Finally, when all else has failed, your request can be as bald as standing on a street corner and shouting, ‘Does anyone want to have sex with me?’ Some men will pretend they don’t want to because they’re out shopping with their wives, agreeing with her muttered assertions that you must be mentally ill and so on. But the minute she’s popped back to Russell & Bromley for a second look at those snaffle loafers, he’ll be sniffing round you with his wet tongue lolling. That’s your cue to haul him into the nearest disabled toilets and knock him out with your boobs until he agrees to divorce his snaffleloafered incumbent.
Good luck!
Dear Joan and Jericha, Why He Turns Away: Do’s and Don’ts from Dating To Death is out now in Hardback and Audiobook.
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