It’s two days before your first ‘mates’ wedding and while you remember something vaguely being bandied about on WhatsApp about a gift list at John Lewis several months back, you chose to ignore it because that’s something your parents normally sort out.
Now, the gift list has run out and you’ve found yourself presentless, without a clue what sort of stuff you’re meant to buy for a wedding. Here’s our guide to what to buy the bride and groom depending on what sort of couple they are.
For The Cheesy Couple
Their wedding invites featured Me To Youbears and they announced their engagement via a YouTube video that defintley didn’t go viral. Also, judging from how much you’ve caught her humming MC Hammer of late you’re almost definitely sure there’s going to be a choreographed dance of the wedding party at the reception. Gross. The good news is they’re easy to buy for; personalised stuff’ll go down a treat. This print memorialising their wedding day is the best pick of a bad bunch and paints you in a fabulously caring light.
For The Couple Who Have Everything
They were the ones who went down the 'money making' route instead of pursuing the ‘creative’ route. As a result they’ve got more money than sense, are the first ones on the property ladder and have just purchased a brand new HDTV, to replace their one they bought eight months before. Like they’ve literally just not got anything else to spend their money on. Fuck them. Know what they can’t buy with all their money though? Memories. Yeah, that’s right. Team up with a pal and put £50 towards their next hols by buying a voucher from Handpicked Hotels which means they can go away to a fancy pants hotel for the weekend, have you to thank for it, but still pick up the majority of the bill. It’s genius.
For The Couple That Like To Look Good
You know the Kooples adverts? Yeah, these are those guys. They’re those guys in the long coats and fedora hats that people stare jealously after as they stride down the road and their flat (despite being smaller than a shoebox – hey looking cool doesn’t actually pay you know) somehow manages to capture that whole New York loft thing most marvellously. Add to their already achingly cool décor with this set of espresso cups (because of course they drink espresso) from Goodhood.
The 'Aw You Guys' Couple
You’ve known them together longer than you have apart and they’re so super great together you’re pretty sure they’ve sent your expectations of how good relationships should be sky rocketing. Even though their very existence means you’re likely to be a spinster for life due to no one ever being good enough, you like them a lot and you’re more excited about their wedding than you think you’ll ever be about your own. This really sweet decanter is perfect to hold the whiskey you'll all drink together over their kitchen table in years to come as you continue to third wheel the hell out of their relationship like the leech you are.
The Old Before Their Time Couple
24 going on 45, these guys. They’re always the first to leave the pub, spend their weekends at the garden centre and last year bunked off the holiday you all went on to Spain and chose to go on a walking trip in The Lake District instead. LAME. Anyways. Let them be. Kick-start their vegetable patch, which they’ve been banging on about since they first got together, with this selection of seeds. AND put the seeds in these (actually really adorable) seed packets. Job’s a good’un.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.