Christmas, as you well know, has become over-commodified. Once upon a time, Christmas used to last three weeks, cost £50 and, quite frankly, be a lot more fun.
Now, Christmas starts in September, stores spend millions on their advertising campaigns and, for some reason, you're expected to get presents for everyone on your contact list because of very silly things like your yoga class secret santa or the fact you're seeing three boys off Tinder and aren't willing to cut the ties with any of them just yet.
What this means is that you've got next to no money to decorate your house. Sure, you probably won't be there on actual Christmas, you'll be at home with mum or dad or Aunty Mabel and Aunty Sue, but that doesn't mean you need to spend the entire of December in a house as devoid of Christmas spirit as Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn.
See, decorating your house doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg. If you have a really good scout around the internet there's loads of cut price decorations to be had. Hell, you can even get a tree, decorate it and have money left over for extras.
Here's your plan.
Because no house is complete without a tree. Sadly, you don’t have room for the Miracle on 34th Street-esque Douglas Pine variety of Christmas fir but you do have room for this two foot, perfectly formed, re-usable thing. Stick it on your kitchen table, or on a table next to the couch. It doesn’t matter that there’s no presents underneath it because you can’t afford them any way. That’s the true meaning of Christmas kids.
Because you can’t afford classy, chic, minimalist Christmas decorations, you’re going to have to go full retro kitsch. Think: The Royle Family. Think: your nan. Think: everything that was awful and terrible about the past few decades but that now, somehow, looks miraculously cool again. Tinsel is at the top of the kitsch pyramid. It’s awful. It’s terrible. It’s so bad it’s bloody amazing.
Tacky snowflake swirls
It’s 9000% not going to snow on Christmas ever again thanks to global warming (probably) so instead, take things into your own hands with these delightfully tacky snowflakes which, if hung from your ceiling and viewed through eyes glazed over with too much mulled wine, look just like the real thing.
Snowflake swirls 99p
You didn’t think you were going to leave your tree naked as Jesus in his manger did you? No tree is complete without at least a sprinkling of glitter. These baubles might be basic but they’re enough to make your tree feel like the special lady it is. Just don’t choose the green ones. That would be silly.
Star of wonder, star of light, blow it up with dynamite. This origami star actually looks very classy. Probably too classy for your joint but there you go. A diamond in the rough.
Santa Wine Bottle Cover
I don’t know about you but I don’t really start feeling Christmassy until I’ve drunk some wine out of a bottle dressed up like Santa Claus. Another bonus to this wine Christmas costume? The fact that it’ll cover up the fact that your guests aren’t drinking a 2007 Argentinian Malbec and are, in fact, getting merry on Jacob’s Creek’s finest. It’s even got a hat for fuck’s sake. What more do I need to do to sell this to you?
Grand total: £9.25. That’s 35p to spare. Thank me later. Merry Christmas bbs.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.