I've fantasised about my wedding with Tom* innumerable times. He's the funny guy, the supportive, caring one who makes me happier than anyone else. So I understand how it sounds when I say that there are moments I also fancy - and if I'm really honest, maybe even love - someone else.
Rob’s my ‘Plan B’ boyfriend for if things don’t work out the way I want them to. I've always known he'd like to be with me, and although I don't feel the same right now, however selfish it sounds, it makes me feel more secure to know he's always there if I need him.
My boyfriend Tom, 32, and I met at a charity event in 2011, where we argued at the silent auction table over a trip to Alton Towers. When we compromised by going on the trip together and he screamed on more rides than me, I knew I liked him. We moved in together five months later and he continues to be the most brilliant, silly, thoughtful, infuriating, hilarious person I know. Everyone likes him - my family think he’s kind and my friends think he’s ‘the one’. So do I, but part of me has never quite managed to switch off the part of myself which is attracted to Rob and the alternative life he represents.
Rob, 33, and I met at university and I knew he liked me straight away. I'd catch him looking at me across the room at parties and when I went for a place on the student council he campaigned harder for me than I did. Our ‘relationship’ never progressed further than drunken kissing. When he talked about wanting to be my boyfriend, I would always say I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. It didn’t necessarily mean I didn’t have feelings for him - I still do now and have, in the past, seriously considered going out with him. But something held me back, perhaps the knowledge that if we'd got together then split up, he'd have disappeared from my life entirely.
When I introduced Rob to Tom, three years ago, I knew Rob didn’t like that I had a boyfriend. He turned overly polite, and even though he’s a guy who laughs at everything, he refused to break a smile at Tom's jokes. Narcissistic as I know it is, I enjoyed the tension created by two men who both adored me.
I know Tom can sense that there’s something between Rob and I - he’s asked me if anything has ever happened between us before, which I’ve shrugged off, and occasionally makes pointed ‘jokes’ about Rob fancying me. But he obviously has no idea that I reciprocate those feelings, as he doesn't seem to mind Rob and I meeting up regularly for drinks.
I never thought it was possible to have such strong feelings for two people at once. I do sometimes ask myself whether it's just that I'm so pathetic that I can’t stand the idea being alone, yet I’ve never had a problem with being single.
And for all my self-justification, I do feel slightly ashamed. I flirt with Rob and pretend that it’s fine to do so. I know I’m leading him on, and I always hate myself that much more when Rob has a girlfriend. His last year-long relationship ended last month and I was relieved - a tiny part of me felt like he was cheating on me.
I wouldn’t have done anything to sabotage it, but I was half-hearted when Rob asked me if I liked her, and on one occasion said outright that I didn’t. There were occasions when I would text Rob late at night, knowing it would probably irritate his girlfriend lying in bed beside him.
But I don’t want to be with Rob right now – and I do want to be with Tom. Tom is the man I want to grow old with. And in a way I actually think my odd relationship with Rob makes us stronger. Every day I wake up and choose Tom. Maybe there will come a day when I don't, and I'll have to deal with that when it happens. But, right now, I can't bare to let go of either of them.
*Names have been changed.