‘I’m so sorry,’ my boyfriend said, in a calming, tender tone when he called me the other week. He used the sort of voice you might adopt when you’re breaking some really sad news to someone - like a death, or a mistake, or that there were no more Quavers left at the shop.
Immediately I had three thoughts: 1) he’s breaking up with me; 2) he’s broken my laptop/my favourite pyjamas/eaten my cheese 3) he’s done something wrong and will this lead to a) an argument, or b) a present?
Actually, it was none of the above. ‘I had no idea!’ he continued, quickening his pace, ‘what you really meant about inequality. I thought I was a feminist but I wasn’t. I didn’t know! I'm sorry, I really mean it.’
I quickly asserted that there probably wasn’t present potential in this conversation, but congratulated him and asked him to expand. It turned out he’d (admittedly, after a few beers, which went some way to explaining his drama school worthy response) been reading a book which he didn’t realise was written by a woman - and, though he liked the narrative, he was becoming inexplicably annoyed.
‘I realised that it was because it was noticeably not aimed at me - a man,’ he said. ‘It was aimed at women. And then I realised that the reason I’m not used to that is because 90 per cent of the media is aimed at me.’
My boyfriend has by all accounts, since I’ve known him, been a feminist. When I first became his friend years ago, he was a paralegal at a solicitor’s firm, fighting for equal pay for care workers (and winning, might I add). He understands the theory, and he’s eloquent on the subject. He’d just never felt it.
His ‘epiphany’ as I’ve been calling it, never felt more pertinent than this week. This week when Emma Watson made another powerful HeForShe speech at Davos and convinced us all she should be made Queen Of All Things For The Greater Good immediately, when meninists (that’s the privileged white men standing up for more male privilege if you hadn’t seen it) were still lurking around and when women, including me, briefly, were subjected to nauseating trolling for standing up for what they believe to be right.
Around Page 3 and *The Sun’s *‘banter’ this week (LAAADS), opinion was more divided than ever and discussion about equality was provoked - and there was division on all sides of the sexes. Some believed that Page 3 was harmless, positive - that we should celebrate boobs in any format and that this is fourth wave feminism, and in minor ways, I agree.
Others argued, like the No More Page 3 campaigners, that sexed-up nudity in national newspapers specifically (especially in a powerhouse like *The *‘People’s Paper’ Sun) where women are rarely seen in a light which isn’t sexualised is, a) outdated, and b) encouraging dangerous stereotypes in the younger generation, and perpetuating objectification. Incidentally, the theory of objectification has shown through research that it increases risk of sexual harassment, assault and rape.
Though I love boobs to heaven and don’t think women, whoever, wherever they are, should be ashamed of getting naked, I agree with the latter a lot. It’s also important that women and female nudity - in all its forms, not just on Page 3 - is presented as powerful. On Page 3, the girls don’t have a voice, just a patronising quote, a cartoon bubble used to demean.
There are visceral repercussions for many women when objectification is at play - whether that’s cat-calling or being undermined (or underpaid) at work or suffering physical violence. It encourages self-objectification too, where women begin to believe their most important attributes are ones which are validated by men.
But it’s not surprising that many men just don’t get it yet - because inequality, in whatever form it comes in, has to be felt to be truly understood. Equality needs empathy to function, which is why we should be listening to Emma Watson and supporting HeForShe all the more fervently. For true equality to be reached, everyone needs to be on side. Perspectives need to be exchanged and heard and really, properly, felt.
My boyfriend, as he adjusted to his new perspective, apologised to me and then apologised to all womankind. So, women, please accept this act of contrition on his behalf. He really means it.