How NOT To Date At Christmas

Writer Bryony Gordon is now happily settled, but as her hit book The Wrong Knickers describes, it wasn't always this way. So, here she gives some well-learned advice on how to avoid eggnog snog mishaps and instead kiss the right person under the misletoe...

Christmas. All together now: ahhhh. The mistletoe. The flattering glow of fairy lights. The endless mulled wine. The great opportunities for snuggling. Not to mention dancing. It’s just so darn romantic, right?
Actually, wrong. Very wrong.


Contrary to the song, I have not always found Christmas to be the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, on some occasions, it has been thoroughly miserable. Being single at Christmas is not wonderful. You feel you should be falling in love with someone, anyone, when in reality your deepest commitment is to a pack of mince pies.

Christmas has the potential to fill you with frustration and bitterness – you’ll scream if one more distant relative asks if you’re settling down – not to mention all the rich food and dodgy alcohol. I have spent many a festive period weeping with hungover paranoia and regret (why did I try and kiss Phil from accounts under a glitterball while dancing to Wham? WHY?). A man once dumped me a week before. ‘Happy Christmas: you’re chucked,’ was his biggest gift to me. Many moons later, when we had both moved on, he told me it was because he had realised he could never spend such a special time of the year with me.

But I wouldn’t want you to have as many terrible, lonesome Yuletides as I have. So I have gone through my old festive diaries to show you how not to date at Christmas. I hope you have more success than I ever did…

1. Always affect an air of nonchalance about Christmas parties

My mistake was to always get REALLY OVEREXCITED ABOUT ALL THE CHRISTMAS EVENTS. What’s not to love about free booze and the chance to snog strangers? Strangers, I always found, were just potential love interests I had not met yet. Trouble was, I inevitably ended up drinking too much free booze, which meant that by 10pm I couldn’t focus on the mistletoe, let alone drag anyone under it. Furthermore, if you get really over-excited about Christmas dos, you just end up looking like a social leper who is never invited out for the preceding 11 months of the year.

TIP: You may think Christmas is amazing and cry at the mere mention of the John Lewis advert, but keep that to yourself until you’ve been on at least one date. Maybe even two.

2. A boyfriend might just be for Christmas

Men are not like dogs. You don’t have to hang on to them until they die. If they irritate you – leave a lot of mess, wee where they shouldn’t – then you can just ditch them without fear of reprisals from the RSPCA. One year, I met a bloke at a Christmas party in early December. We had a lot of fun together, meeting covertly after work dos, drunk and high on party food. But in the cold light of January, he really began to get on my nerves. Our nights in were not half as fun as our nights out. I chucked him out with the Christmas tree on Twelfth Night.

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TIP: There is a name for this: it’s called the cuffing season – when you bond for the lonely winter nights and then leave them in spring. So, you know, no guilt required here. It’s now officially A THING.*

3. Christmas jumers and bauble earrings are a good romantic test

If he’s not interested in you because you have Rudolph across your boobs and a pair of Pat Butcher classics in your earlobes, he’s a vain old Scrooge who’s not worth one iota of your energy.

*TIP: This is when you shout ‘Next!’
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4. Always choose Christmas date venues carefully

Ice-skating always looks so romantic in the movies, doesn’t it? I went once with a bloke, and had Frozen been out then, I would have totally imagined myself as a bit of an Elsa. The reality was I looked more like Bambi, skittering around out of control. I fell over really badly and I swear I broke my bottom, even though my best friend told me there was no such thing as breaking your bottom. Whatever. It was painful. Furthermore, you should never go out for dinner at Christmas. Do this, and find that your chances of romantic success are suddenly being weighed up by a load of strangers bored out of their minds on their work Christmas do. As soon as your date goes to the loo, the men in the party, buoyed by enough beer to sink a ship, will start leering at you.

*TIP: Honestly, stick to a good old pub.
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5. Don't worry about a man not bearing gifts

I have a friend who once presented a man she had been dating for two months with a Christmas present – a beautifully wrapped and eye-wateringly expensive bottle of Tom Ford aftershave. He was very grateful. She was extremely pissed off because he’d got her nothing in return. Men are mostly crap at presents, and I don’t trust the ones who aren’t, so as a general rule, don’t bother wasting your time or money buying one for a bloke unless you are certain you are going to spend the rest of your life with him. Also, if you are only dating, NEVER, EVER get really tanked on tequila at a festive do and suggest spending Christmas or New Year together. You will only regret it.
Don’t spend Christmas Day pining after someone or waiting for them to text. Enjoy the blissful time off, and the fact you don’t have to cook. Revel in it. I say this as someone who did quite the opposite – and as an exhausted mum of a toddler, who is going to have to spend the festive period crossing the country to see in-laws, I wish I hadn’t.

TIP: This might be your last Christmas alone. You should damn well enjoy it.