Spring has sprung (andI already told you how to deal with that) and alongside all the Sundays spent crammed in to inner city parks unable to breathe from all the malfunctioning barbecues, there's another really exciting kind of event on the cards. The kind of event which is at once unfathomably boring and really quite sweet. Yep, wedding season is almost upon us, and as the flower girls fall asleep dreaming of white ribbons in their hair and, well, flowers, us non-bridesmaids are destined to fret over what is or isn't wedding appropriate.
Judging by my track record of one previous wedding after which I left my hairdo in for so long my dad had to saw the whole thing out with the kitchen scissors, I think it's time for a little pre-planning. After all, the weddings of 2014 are far removed from the Disney ideal we grew up expecting. Jamie Lynn Spears got married this week and was pictured wandering out of the ceremony in white pouffy meringue and Ugg boots. Ok so I'm not suggesting you follow suit, all I'm saying is it's totally possible to attend a wedding in something which isn't floral and from Zara. Though actually, that sounds pretty ideal.
A RIDICULOUS HAT
People don't wear hats enough, I think largely because it's pretty hard to find any hats which aren't just a beret with cat ears badly glued on. When it comes to weddings, there's an unspoken rule that women wear ridiculous hats because the bride should be the only person who appears sane, to appease all those quiet feelings that she be making a huge mistake. Altar doubts aside, this shop on Pitfield St has a hat for every occasion, including this magnificent coffee cup hat which you can keep a spare disposable camera and your ciggies in. Glamour.
Coffee cup hat, £1730, CA4LA *
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Please note we are not actually suggesting you buy this
PRETTY SHOES
There seems to have been a disconnect between all the Sex & The City we watched growing up, and this generation's penchant for hideous clomping flatform sandals. Take a leaf out of Carrie's book for your wedding outfit and invest in some Manolo-inspired heels. When I say invest, I mean marvel at how amazing this Sophia Webster pair is and then find a cheap equivalent. Or buy these and wear them to weddings for the rest of your life including your own. And to be fair, probably never regret it.
Heels, £540, Sophia Webster
A DINKY HANDBAG
If you're not going to take my advice and get the coffee cup hat you're going to need somewhere to store all your rice and confetti and stuff - something which isn't a canvas tote bag with the name of your local coffee shop-cum-radio station emblazoned across it. You need a bag big enough to house wet-wipes, lip balm and a few bottles of mini Malibu, but small enough to fade into the background of the wedding pictures.
202 Factory denim bag,£81, Opening Ceremony
A SKIRT SUIT
Finding the right skirt suit for you is something you need to do immediately after pay-day and involves buying a small selection off eBay until one of them fits. (eBay navigation tips here btw.) I had my Eureka moment with an old lime green one from Morgan which was all mini mini skirt, slightly padded up shoulders and shortened sleeves. Find yours among the endless taupe Marks & Spencers options, and fall back on it for ever and ever once you realise that oh shit wearing a suit is literally the easiest and most comfortable way to look like you absolutely do not have a hangover at all.
Hobbs Wool Skirt, currently £60, eBay
GLOW
And of course, thanks to the aforementioned wedding photos, you're going to need to look like you've rubbed cow placenta on your face every night since birth. Otherwise, when the albums come back, instead of complimenting the bride on her dress and Ugg boot combo everyone will just be asking who that haggard woman in the absurd hat holding two glasses of champagne is. It's a one way ticket to not being invited to the baby shower. And everybody knows baby showers have the best cake.
PS: now you've figured that out, here's a definitive GIF guide to surviving other people's weddings
Follow Bertie on Twitter @bertiebrandes
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.