So, the BRITS happened last week, but there's no chance you don't know that already because, if you boast any kind of internet presence at all, you'll have been bombarded by Valencia-filtered images of Nile Rodgers' elbow and the back of Rita Ora's head.
And it's not just the BRITS, every week there seems to be another party in the back room of another frighteningly exclusive club, where Rihanna drinks champagne out of Jude Law's belly-button and you are unequivocally not invited. It's glamorous, it's glitzy, it's guest list only – and it's not the kind of thing you can RSVP to on Facebook.
Don't sweat it, you might have missed the boat this time – next time, try the catering entrance, they'll let in anybody wearing an apron – but what you lost in free champagne and confused glances from PRs, you can make up in knowledge. Specifically, the knowledge of what to wear in an Instagram picture which will make you look a) invited, and b) important.
Sure, you may not be able to actually check in at the Savoy (with foursquare, obviously) but until they make hashtags location-sensitive, you're good to keep embellishing that fuzzy bedroom selfie with a few ambiguous references to your exclusive event of choice. Sure, you might not be able to arrange a picture of you walking into a private jet in a glittery, turquoise ballgown (shouts to you Queen B) but, believe me, there are ways. So many ways.
Here’s your guide for VIP selfie-dressing….
HAIR STRAIGHTENERS
Phone selfies are almost always blurred so, rather than worrying you look unrealistically scruffy, just jog your hand a little bit when you're taking the picture. You can increase the glamour factor by simply pulling a pair of GHD's through your unwashed hair, making it look immediately fashion-party ready (Carine Roitfeld style) and drawing on a comical amount of liquid eyeliner. You're at home alone pretending to be at a party – it's what you would have been doing anyway.
Hair Straighteners, £99, GHD
A REALLY GREAT COAT
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Well, you're not going to be able to sort out a picture of you in Saint Laurent on the red carpet, are you? Instead of trying to figure out how best to re-create the dinner table in a picture Pixie Lott just posted, get a picture of you with much too much lipstick on in a dark place wearing a fantastic coat. Everybody will think you've snuck out for a mid-event ciggie. Well, they will when you write that underneath as the caption.
Faux Fur Coat, £495, Shrimps
HIGH HEELS IN A CAB
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Someone should make a section of Getty Images dedicated to selling pictures of high heels in taxis – they're just endlessly useful. Need to immediately feel important, glamorous and 100 times more successful than your stupid ex-boyfriend? Post a picture of some high heels in a taxi! They don't even need to be on your feet. In this case, you need to get the timing bang on. Around 8pm is ideal. Just don't mention you took that picture two months ago on the way home from your office Christmas party.
High sandals, £33.50, ASOS
A MARTINI GLASS
Hey, a cocktail is a cocktail is a cocktail. Just because you're @ing people who are definitely at the NME awards right now, you never explicitly said you were there. I mean it really can't be helped if people are so quick to read a little too much – or just the right amount – into that picture of sparkling Ribena you just uploaded. Invest in some exotic glassware, by which I mean something you didn't steal from your parents' "Christmas extras" kitchenwear box. Oh, and by the way I'm totally lying, they don't serve martinis at the NME Awards, they serve cold pizza and undiluted gin – a Domino's Pizza box will do just fine.
Martini glasses, £12, M&S
A TINY HANDBAG
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Partially because only somebody at a highly glamorous event with hand moisturiser in the loos would be able to cram their life into such a small thing, and partially because they're just the best accessory ever. Christopher Kane– he, of the perennial clutch – has declared the tiny handbag very much en-vogue. So take a leaf out of his A/W14 collection and dig around for yours on the kids' floor of Fenwicks. Don't forget it has to fit your iPhone! Except, well, I suppose it doesn't because you're not actually leaving the house are you.
Mini handbag, £20, Topshop
Follow Bertie on Twitter @bertiebrandes
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.