Oh for christ’s sake it’s cold again. Just when realisation sinks in that being back at work is utterly, intolerably dreadful and your only hope is imminent sunshine… January Fools! It’s fucking freezing! As if we didn’t have enough to worry about; that our dead-end jobs staring at computer screens are permanently damaging our eyesight and spinal alignment, that our failed relationships were probably just signals of worse yet to come. Now as well as quietly retching into a red meat and indigestion flavoured Pret soup, we’re violently shuddering with cold and the tips of our fingers are threatening to detach and float away at any moment. I want to help you, I really do. Here are some ideas on how to survive freezing spring without rubbing deep heat on every visible part of your body at regular intervals throughout the day.
Put stuff under other stuff
I mean yes technically it’s “layering” but we’d all do well to avoid that word with its ghastly connotations of endless un-matching pieces of knitwear rubbing together and practically powering your hair straighteners with static electricity. Why does the term layering automatically make people think terracotta is an ok colour to wear on 4/5 of their body? Instead of swaddling yourself in loose-stitch scarves how about just trying a t-shirt under that strappy dress or a (nice) kimono over a thermal top? Carrie does it in early season six with kitten heels and a hair barrett and it looks less painstakingly layered, more all-purpose X-girl. Striking a decent balance between sluttiness and warmth is pretty much the only thing you need to think about between now and Easter.
Silk Slip Dress, £24, Net-a-Porter, Top , £19, ASOS, Turtle Neck, £16.50, Great Plains
Mix mens’ and womens’ clothes
The cool thing about being a woman is when you go clothes shopping you pay 10x the price for 5x less fabric than men, which is totally great and fair but come sub-zero weather kind of a drag. When it’s so cold your fingers feel like the little frankfurters in a jar at the back of your dad’s fridge just go upstairs and raid his closet for a quick solution. A big T-shirt or even a pyjama top (btw it’s fine to shower less because you’ll sweat less in cold weather) with whatever you already have on should provide ample warmth in times of need. Men’s jackets tend to be bigger, warmer and have way more pockets too so make sure to grab one of those when you’re leaving as well. Sure, your dad might be absolutely freezing, but it’s about time the patriarchy had a taste of their own medicine, am I right?
Long Sleeve T-Shirt, €12.95, MUJI, Trapper Parka, £215, Carhartt
Thermals work
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, nothing will make your boobs look better than thermals, thermals are your FRIEND. I feel like Rose Mcgowan wears thermals a lot, possibly quite see-through ones to frighten beautiful young men that work for her, but anyway. Definitely don’t get weird thin fashion ones with wide stupid necks, go for the ribbed legit ones you can find for £3 a pop online and make sure you get matching bottoms as well. Imagine you’re Jane Birkin lounging by a big fire in a chalet in France in the 1960’s and then look in the mirror and agree that although your hair isn’t quite as good as hers your boobs look absolutely phenomenal.
Thermal Long Jane/Johns, £4.95, Amazon, Thermal Long Sleep Top, £5.95, Amazon
Do ski wear, don't ski
Nothing screams chic louder than a ski suit, and even if you’re only wearing it to Tesco to buy garlic bread (classic Jan dinner) chances are people will take one look at you and assume you’re Victoria Beckham or Kate Middleton. The Moschino men’s collection last week was very ‘Donatella Versace and her 18-year-old Ibizan boyfriend do the Dubai snow dome’, basically the more wrong you get it, the more right you are. Just moonboots are hideously Sloane St sixth-former but the full look – salopets, goggles and all – will have you schussing through the self-service tills with three packs of gruyere in your underwear quicker than you can say fon-don’t.
FUR (of the faux variety)
Not evil fur that comes from cute little animals but good synthetic fur made from toxic chemicals! Yay ethics. Match the rest of your outfit to the pink, leopard print, zig-zag, fluorescent monstrosity on your back. I would suggest you keep it simple, though if you’re desperate you could work in a pair of white jeans a la Liz Hurley just back from Aspen.
Faux Fur Coat, £80, Whistles, J Band White Skinny Jeans, £215, Net-A-Porter
Hats On
Get a beret. I’m being serious now, they cost less than any main meal at Wagamama, they make you look equal parts sexy French actress and hardened political activist and though they might make your forehead inconceivably itchy at certain points throughout the day you really need that extra warmth. Also brilliant for hiding roots, grease and hysterical midnight fringes.
Wool Beret, £21, American Apparel, Batiste Dry Shampoo, £3, Google Shopping
Or failing all these just don’t go outside
You wouldn’t change yourself to suit a rubbish boyfriend so why bother trying to adapt to miserable weather conditions? Just refuse. Stock up on microwaveable baked bean pots, change the locks on your door and bolt them from the inside, turn off your lights, climb under eight duvets and tweet that you’re on a press trip to Detroit for three weeks. Upsides include missing Valentines Day, downsides include probably getting so bored you watch the entire three disappointing seasons of Portlandia all over again.
True Detective Boxset, £18.99, Zavvi, Goose Down Duvet, £600-1000, John Lewis
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.