Assuming you've been following my advice and started frantically applying for jobs you were in no way qualified for, chances are you've landed yourself a new position. Well, actually chances are you haven't, but even if you're going back to your boring old job you might as well pretend it's new and be a bit excited and stop hanging around near the free tea and coffee so much because it's been, like, eight months and no it's not going anywhere.
In homage to Hannah Horvath's new job writing advertorials for GQ, I thought I'd make the new job a two-parter and use the second instalment to offer some basic advice for the workplace. The first rule is, there are no rules. Kidding, there are absolutely loads.
1. All Black Everything
The problem with the working day is that it starts quite (too) early in the morning. From dragging yourself out of bed, to dragging yourself out of bed for the second time after you accidentally (on purpose) lay back down in your towel and fall asleep, finding the energy to dress sassy every day is impossible.
This is why people who work in fashion hate their lives by default, because who in their right mind wants to think about wearing something that compresses your stomach before 9am? No one sane. Anyway, more to the point, forget trying to dress like Ally McBeal and just wear a full black cashmere tracksuit every day. Personally, I think it's 'v chic', but if anyone stupid and un-chic calls it out, just roll your eyes and tell them it's by Alexander Wang.
Cashmere hoodie, £79, M&S
2. Wear Deodorant
Now the clothes are out the way we can get on to the important stuff. Deodorant. Don't just apply once, keep it in your bag because between all the cutting glares at your tracksuit and run-ins with your boss by the free tea and coffee, you're going to need it.
Also, don't be afraid to shower at work. I had to do it once when my water was cut off and everybody on my table felt really uncomfortable and didn't talk to me or send me work for the whole morning. Very relaxing*.*
Lavender & Aloe deodorant, £8, Neal's Yard
3. A Laptop Case Is An Important Investment
No, you're not at school any more. (Yes, OK, it feels exactly the same.) Laptop cases are the new pencil cases and smoking is the new smoking. It's so obvious I'm sort of annoyed I even had to point that out.
Laptop case, £299.55, Vivienne Westwood
PS If this is a bit out of your price range, wearing something from Opening Ceremony around your neck at all times will work, too.
Glitter phone case, £45, Opening Ceremony
4. A Framed Picture Of Yourself Looking Sexy Is Unexpectedly Great
When the grind really starts grinding and you lose all desire to do anything outside of work, you need a token to remind yourself of the past cool you. In a not-as-depressing-as-I-just-made-that-sound kind of way. Framing a picture of yourself looking smoking hot (potentially with another person in it so you don't look quite so self-involved) is a constant reminder that, if all else fails, you can still go and get drunk and snog a foreign exchange student and be fine and brilliant, even if you have to go and live with your dad again.
*Princess frame, £6.99, eBay
*5. Get A Hairbrush
Wanna make friends at work? Keep a hairbrush visible on top of your desk at all times. So when those round-office emails from girls pleading for a brush hit, you’ll have something to offer. Oh, and if you want to come over really Regina George, make yours a mini.
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Hairbrush, £11, Tangle Teezer
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.