I am delusional about bras.
When I’m in fancy, fantasy lingerie emporiums - OK, John Lewis, I see them hanging up, confections of pistachio satin and raspberry lace, and something in my brain screams ‘SWEETIES!’ They’re magical sex moulds for my tits, right? All I have to do is pour them in and wait for the good times to happen. I have some bloody amazing bras. Unfortunately, none of them really fit me properly.
There’s the turquoise and cream plunging one which is never in my knicker drawer because I always leave it draped on the arm of the sofa, because if I’ve been wearing it I have to take it off the second I fall through the front door, screaming in agony. There’s the cool black mesh Henry Holland one which I always give up on after attempting to wear it as pants, because it has strange straps and is actually slightly more comfortable if I wear it on my arse. There’s the demi corset one with cream flowers that I can only do up if I lie over a chair with my head on the floor. There’s the grey one with the huge bow that is so knackered I’d be supporting my tits better if I carried them about in a Bag For Life. Seriously, I had to make a New Year’s Resolution to throw that bra away. Twice. And even then I only chucked it because a concerned lady at House Of Fraser eyed up my chest and marched me to the bra department.
When Cara, Lily and co can skip down the catwalk in nothing but a thong and a hairpiece, why do I feel so weird about stripping off in front of the M&S lady?
So no, the Victoria’s Secret show’s imminent arrival in London is not good news. I am impressionable. I am weak. I am destined to watch it and spend all my money on something made from pointy crystals that makes my nipples bleed. Given this is a show all about looking good in bras, and the act of wearing underwear correctly is about to get nationwide coverage, why am I missing the point? What is stopping me from going out and just buying a bra that fits me properly? When Cara, Lily and co can skip down the catwalk in nothing but a thong and a hairpiece, why do I feel so weird about stripping off in front of the M&S lady and asking her to help me find the right underwear?
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According to Women’s Wear Daily, 64 per cent of us are wearing the wrong bra. This is a serious health issue - if your bra doesn’t fit you properly, you couldend up with back aches, shoulder problems and even serious damage to your breast tissue. But I’ve grown up thinking of bras as a fashion item. I look at the Victoria’s Secret Angels in chiffon and sparkles and it breaks my heart to think about my own breasts, and how they really need something serious and grown up and possibly made of Teflon.
‘I have a weird psychological barrier when it comes to spending money on a proper bra.' Maria, 26 tells me. 'I guess I feel like it should be pretty and fun, and I resent splashing out on something that feels right but doesn’t look good. My Mum took me to Rigby and Peller to get measured - I’m a 32FF and I have one fairly practical nude bra from there that fits me perfectly and cost nearly £100. I also have at least 20 £9.99 bras from H&M in a 34D that sort of fit. I’m wearing a bad bra at least every other day, depending on how often I do laundry - and if I go out I’d never wear a ‘proper’ bra. I think I’d die if a guy saw me in my nude number.’
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Julia Mercer, M&S’s lingerie expert explains that many women get so caught up in finding something that looks nice on the hanger that they forget that a bra has to feel right. 'There are four key areas to check - the underband, which should be horizontal across your back, snug but with enough room to fit two fingers underneath. The front wires should be flat to your breastbone. There should be a smooth line between the space where the cup finishes and your breast starts, and your straps should be secure. If you were to drop your straps, the bra should stay up.’
I look at the Victoria’s Secret Angels in chiffon and sparkles and it breaks my heart to think about my own breasts, and how they really need something serious and grown up and possibly made of Teflon
We’re smart women - why do we need to be told not to sacrifice our health for aesthetics? Blogger and stylist Rebecca Stewart works with a lot of women who are looking for shapewear, and she has some answers. ‘We’re just not raised to prioritise our wellbeing. Basically we’ve forgotten what bras are for, and who they are for. I think the Victoria’s Secret show is really fun, but it contributes to a culture where we’re really hung up on having a lingerie ‘look’. My clients tell me they feel better about their bodies if they’re wearing some beautiful matching set, but when I show them how to choose underwear that supports them, and they see how amazing they look once they’ve got their clothes on, they’re overwhelmed. Some of them burst into tears.’
Rebecca’s words have made me think about how ridiculous it is to put up with bad bras. I will never look like an Angel, but if I keep cramming my poor breasts into cheap fashion bras, I’ll never feel like one either. It sucks that supporting your tits properly is an expensive business, but Christmas is coming, and I’m going to ask Santa to take me to Rigby and Peller. I’ve learned my lesson. Trying to look like I’m after my Angel wings will ultimately just lead to backache.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.