First things first. Sorry for writing the word ‘chic’ in the title of this article. No-one says ‘chic’ except fashion magazines that try and make you buy clothes that cost as much as your yearly pinot grigio bill – and your nan, though it’s possible she meant to say ‘cheek’ and hasn’t got a bloody clue what she’s trying to say anyway.
The trouble is, there’s no alternative word to say that has the same meaning as ‘chic’. You can say ‘fashionable’ and sound like your mum or you can say ‘trendy’ and sound like your dad. Neither of which appeals. So we’re back to ‘chic’. And I’m not happy.
Anyways, being chic in winter is a tough one, mate. Mainly because no-one looked fit wearing goose down. Ever.
You’ll give in to sensible shoes at some point
No matter how long you hold out to spite your mum, who made you get sensible lace-up flats in Year 5 while all your friends got high-heeled Kickers and Kangols.
High heels and platform shoes might be all the rage (again with the Mum-isms) on the street but really, somewhere mid-November, you’ll realise that having a dry foot is preferable to having a well-heeled one. Accepting this is a sad but important step in becoming a grown-up. Celebrate with wine.
Hats don’t really ‘get’ the needs of your hair
Ie, that it doesn’t take kindly to being flattened and static-ed on your commute to work, uni or wherever you’ve got to go.
Sure, you can look a million bucks in your nice fancy dress, but if your hair is a big flat mess, thanks to a fancy winter hat that guards your ears from the biting winds then you’re going to struggle to pass the chic-o-meter test. Which I’ve just made up right this second.
No-one looked fit wearing goose down. Ever
Not even Victoria Beckham that time she went skiing. And V Becks always looks good in a picture. As long as that picture is post-2008 and after the launch of her rather excellent fashion label. Because before 2008, there were a few, OK a lot, of dodgy outfits going on.
Never forget that time she was a model for Maria Grachvogel in the year 2000. A look I’m definitely going to do for Halloween one year. Providing I can muster the courage up to cut my hair with a lawn mower.
Flaky nose is not fashwan
Some kinds of white stuff around your nostrils is very fashion. But chapped, dry and flaky nostrils from cold wind is gross. And looks like bogeys. And picking it off looks like you’re picking your nose. And that’s not very fashion at all, is it?
Neither is sweaty face
And thanks to central heating and that cosy thermal jumper you just had to have, your face is redder and shinier than Rudolph’s famous nose, meaning you look more like a farmer’s wife fresh in from milking the cows on a cold December morn than a fashion editor fresh out of a meeting with Chanel or some other equally impressive fashion house.
Winter, mate. Give us a break, yeah?
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.