Hurrah for winter! The temperature will drop, the air will change and the sky will turn from St Giles Blue to Lulworth Blue if we were measuring from the Farrow and Ball colour chart. (But who uses that as a reference for anything? Certainly not me!)
Like it or not, the season has changed and your wardrobe should accordingly. It’s time to fold away the cotton rompers of yore and rediscover your winter wardrobe. But be warned – pleasant surprises come with this annual ritual and so do the nasty shocks.
Here's a few thoughts that go through your mind when rediscovering your winter wardrobe:
It really is time I threw away this silly hoodie
New season. New me. And the first thing that has to go is this silly hoodie. Yes, it’s comfortable. Yes, it’s warm. Yes I’ve had some good times in it. But it doesn’t really suit my capsule wardrobe any more; I don’t think a University of Exeter RAG committee hoodie ever will, especially not with the nickname on the back.
I want to have the sort of winter wardrobe that I could lay out on a white studio floor and photograph for hundreds of people to re-pin on Pinterest. No one’s going to do that if they know I was called Cock Muncher (treasurer 2008/9). Oh, but it is all fleecey on the inside and it is a nice heirloom with a story for my grandchildren. Maybe I’ll keep it but and only wear it as pyjamas. Isn’t it funny how humans retire to The Algarve, but old clothes retire to the pyjama drawer? Makes me a bit sad, actually.
Oh, here you are, snuggly jumper of mine
My favourite navy jumper! How I have missed you, with your lovely long sleeves and your soft, yielding folds and your old, musty smell; half-bonfire, half-dilapidated cricket pavilion. I am so glad we are back together. It’s the usual gig for you this season, old faithful. Over shirts, under coats. With a pair of thermal long johns when no one is about. I’ll stuff you into my big handbag one night and I will find you; on my third night bus home, while my body shivers and my knees knock and I’ll be so glad you’re there. And when I’m sad or tired, my little cold nose will bury into your familiar sleeves and you’ll comfort me like you have done so many Novembers before.
*I forgot about this poncho thing
Why did I buy this knitted cape last year? I think Olivia Palermo had one. It’s very impractical, if I remember correctly – shoving all that excess fabric into the sleeves of my coat until I look like an over-stuffed soft toy. I might give it to my housemate, she’ll like it. She likes all that stuff that looks like it was from a craft fair in Cornwall.
Maybe this jumper dress will finally look normal.
Oh THIS thing! I forgot about this. Now, this has never worked and I can’t figure out why. I like polo necks, I like dresses. A long one should look good, but it always looks…odd. Let’s try it again. Hmm. Maybe with a belt it could…? No, it’s still weird and horrible. Might keep it for next year, though, I’ll probably be thinner next year.
**The Headdresses. **
Oh, God. Here it is. The Santa’s hat, the cat ears, the witches caldron and the Cupid’s bow and arrow. Remnants of annual forced fun from September to March. I better keep all this old tut. I’m bound to be invited to a load of other rubbish fancy-dress parties I don’t want to go to and at least I’ll save money if I recycle the outfits.
Orange is the new black?
Everything is black in here. Why is that? Is it very chic and French of me to have an all black wardrobe for winter or should I branch out this year, like Fi at the end of Four Weddings and a Funeral? Wear the colours of the rainbow and fall in love with someone who fancies me for a change? Yes, I’ll do that. Been reading a lot about these “acid brights” I think I’ll buy a neon coat to shake things up a bit.
This will be the year I actually use this muff
Or the leg warmers. Or the patterned tights. Or the mittens and the berets. What’s the point in buying all these winter accessories if I’m never going to wear them?
WHERE ARE ALL MY FUCKING SOCKS?
For God’s sake, this happens every year. What happens in between me washing my socks and going to my drawer in the morning. Where do they go? Am I accidentally stuffing them into my coat pocket and leaving a trial of them as I walk everywhere? Or maybe I’m eating them when I’m drunk after a night out or something? There’s no other explanation.
WHERE ARE ALL MY FUCKING TIGHTS?
EVERY PAIR OF TIGHTS I OWN HAS A LADDER. I HAVE 24 PAIRS AND EVERY SINGLE PAIR HAS A LADDER , HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED? THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MADDENING. WHY DO I HAVE TO EVEN WEAR THEM AT ALL – I FORGOT HOW MUCH I HATE WINTER.
Oh, HALLO BEAUTIFUL COAT!
EVERYTHING IS FINE! I’ve seen the jewel in the crown of the winter wardrobe: my beautiful, long coat. Oh, man, I forgot how good it makes everything look. Look – look how bloody CLASSY it is! The lapels and the belt and the nice swoosh it does with the split at the back. I love winter. This coat makes me feel like I’m a character in a Nancy Meyers film, living in a clean and expensive looking world with a high-powered job and a cosy love affair. Also, the coat covers slaggy ladders anyway, so we’re fine. Hurrah for winter!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.