Fashion week is the highlight of the fashion calendar, if you’re a fashion person. If you’re not a fashion person, but occasionally find yourself in situations where it would be churlish to admit as much, then we’ve compiled a list of sentences you can throw into conversations to make people think you were there.
We hold no responsibility for the blank stares and social awkwardness that may or may not follow (this is very unlikely to happen, considering the calibre of our sentences).
1. ‘It was all about bold lines and interesting textures’
Every year it’s about bold lines and interesting textures. You know how horoscopes are famously worded to make you feel like they’re speaking right into your mind and heart and soul? This is no different except with less soul and more clothes nobody normal will ever wear.
If you say ‘bold lines’ people will nod and think you know your shit when, in fact, you’re just saying the word ‘bold lines’.
2. ‘If I see another canapé again, I’ll throw up’
There are always loads of canapés at the events, so this implies you’ve been to loads of events. See also: Champagne. Like when Alexa Chung complained about having to drink Champagne all the time at Fashion Week. Poor, poor, little lamb (said while grinding teeth together so hard they fully erode).
3. ‘The FROW was interesting this year’
This implies you were on it, and that it was interesting. If anyone asks you why it was interesting, just walk away.
4. ‘I think a lot of it is going to translate to the high street raaahlly well’
Apart from wondering why you’ve suddenly affected this bizarre accent, people will be impressed by your vision. Despite the fact that nothing translates to the high street from the catwalk, unless it’s a jumper and a pair of jeans.
Nobody is going to wear brooches the size of their heads or do Chanel-style eyebrows that go down the sides of their nose. It’s nice to say this, though.
5. ‘I haven’t slept in a week’
It’s a competition as to how little you’ve slept, eaten and how much you’ve moved, dashed and been held up by late starts. Other good things to throw in is how your schedule was totally ruined by celebrities arriving late and how your intern screwed up your timetable. Being mean to the intern is very fashion.
6. ‘Couldn’t believe it when Keith Chegwin walked for Gucci’
Dunno, it’s just an amusing image.
7. ‘It’s just the same faces, the same conversations, really boring actually’
The whole point of being fashion is to act like you’re bored by being fashion. You’re never excited about a show, you’re never excited about a goodie bag or seeing Pixie Geldof and Daisy Lowe at a party.
It’s all just so wearisome and tiring, despite the fact that you’ve half-killed yourself getting to the position you’re in, and you’d rather die than miss a Chanel invitation just so you can complain about it a bit.
8. ‘It was very traditional, very classic but with a contemporary twist’
This works with any designer and any show you haven’t seen but want people to think you have. By default, everything is old mixed with new because a) we’ve done all the clothes by now, so it’s always influenced by something in the past b) even the act of putting it on a runway in 2015 counts as a contemporary twist. A pocketwatch. A penny farthing. A loin cloth. All suddenly contemporary because they’re being worn in the present day.
If anyone follows up by asking for an example, just laugh loudly and say, ‘Oh it was just classic (insert the name of designer).’
Job done.
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.