6 Things You Only Know If You’re Pear-Shaped

Small boobs are great, big ass is better

Things You Only Know If You're Pear-Shaped

by Jess Commons |
Published on

1. Your muffin top is all that

Thank goodness crotch-riding, arse-crack hipster jeans left on the same train to nostalgia-ville as Christina Aguilera’s black hair extensions from the Dirrrty video. Pear-shaped ladies had two choices when it came to purchasing low-rider jeans back in the early noughties – either buy the right size and have your skin hang over the side, or buy them a size larger and hoik them up before belting them round your waist. Camel toe, ahoy!

2. Your breasts are probably small and humble

And you know what? THAT’S FINE. Shakira said so herself and she’s one of the most majestic pear-shaped ladies out there. What this means is that (unlike your boobed friends) you’ve been able to wear low-cut tops and occasionally (depending on how wild you feel) go boob commando. Let those nipples run free, ladies. Paint the town red.

3. Shhh… you’re that dick that takes two different bikini sizes

No-one tells our hourglass-shaped friends but we’re the people who sidle over to the bikini stand in Topshop, grab one size for the top and a different one for the bottom, leaving other girls confused as to why they can’t find a matching pair.

Forcing you to buy a top and a bottom of the same size would be a disaster, though. Sure, it would fit fine on top but down below? Vagina out, lips everywhere.

4. Saddle bags are like hugs for your hips

Pear shapey-ness is good because rather than weight heading to your tummy, it heads straight for those funky little skin pockets just to the side of your arse. This is great because a) it means you’ve got more cushion to sit down on and b) it means you look great in a pair of leggings. Get it out.

5. Joan from Mad Men is just as unachievable as Karlie Kloss

Not like because you don’t like her. She’s GREAT! But while everyone else out there vasciallates between getting excited about models with straight and tall figures and curvy women with banging boobs and a great arse to boot, you’re stuck in the halfway world. You might be able to copy the bottom half of Joan's look, but you’re going to need a lot of loo roll shoved down your bra to replicate the top half.


That’s it.

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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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