Holy crap you GUYS, it’s holiday time! Even though you’re only jumping on a plane for two hours and ending up in a holiday resort filled with other British people who are going to be wearing exactly the same thing as you, it’s totally cool that you splashed out £200 on a whole new wardrobe for five days in the sun. THINK OF THE INSTAGRAM PICTURES.
The only trouble is... every time we try and pull off holiday chic, things kind of go a little bit, er, wrong. Here’s a few trends we’re trying on hols this summer that are going oh so awry.
Birkenstocks
Fine for tramping London’s streets with your cropped trousers and your sassy handbag, but transport them to the streets of European capitals where people are still wearing gladiator sandals and the locals will be grouping you in with the crowd of American women in high-waisted khaki shorts honking loudly about how America really is the one place that does food well. Does anyone know where you can get a decent plate of fries round here?
READ MORE: Getting Ready For A Mini Break - When You Only Want To Take Carry On Luggage
Hig- waisted bikinis
Often sold in magazines of a certain ilk as the ‘problem’ fixer bikini for those with a bit of wobble round the middle. They also come with the added bonus of transforming you into a 40s pin-up girl who can dip her freshly painted crimson toenails in the sea and squeal with the adorable light-hearted abandon of post-war euphoria.
In real life though you ditch the high-waisted pants by day two, thanks to the less hourglass, more sausage-roll shape they so kindly created.
White clothing
You know what they always say – wear white to set off a tan. The only trouble is, your tan never really managed to get itself off the ground – probably something to do with the combination of your really pale English skin and the two hours you spent passed out on the beach without suncream on. Turns out white also accentuates bright red and blistering.
Who knew?
Kaftans
Not the TOWIE kind, (neon, diamanted and flammable), you’re instead opting for the Stevie Nicks vibe – long, embroidered vintage numbers teamed with beaded bracelets and loose-flowing locks. Hey, if holidaying on a Greek island isn’t the time to experiment with your inner free spirit then we don’t know when is.
Trouble is – and this probably comes down to the sheer number of friendship bracelets you’ve got climbing up your left arm – your look is less 70s siren and more Vanessa Hudgens does Coachella. Step away from the suede fringing while you can still salvage the situation.
READ MORE: 10 Things You Always Regret Packing When You Go On Holiday
Evening Wear
Structured jumpsuits and heels? The streets of Dubrovnik are going to be your own personal catwalk as you sassily manoeuvre around the food markets using the vibrant colours as your Insta-background and the local knick-knacks as your props. Just like one of those xenophobic fashion shoots big magazines like to do.
Only problem is though, it’s pushing 40 degrees, you’ve chafed your upper thighs and everyone else is in flip flops. Back to cotton basics it is.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_common
Picture: Rory DCS
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.