I’M BRILLIANT at summer. Every June I wake up, look in the mirror and am reminded that I am actually perfect: overnight, my skin has performed some witchy tan trick; my bum, fresh from making love to any patch of grass it could find, is quite suddenly taught and bronzed like a turkey, and I remember I never ever sweat. Honestly, it’s nauseating! Oh no wait, that was some cool dream I had the other night.
In reality, suddenly having to dress for summer sucks. Because you have to contend with this lot:
Having To Wear Colour
I thought black was fine in summer. I thought I looked European. I thought I looked rich. Turns out, I look like I’m waiting for the apocalypse.
Sweaty Fringes
Menopausal tourist. Such a strong look.
Fake Tan Streaks
Smell, brand, tone: fake tan used to be a minefield. Then it evolved. Sadly you haven’t and your ankles still look like your brother’s toilet.
Back Sweat
This season’s equivalent of food in your teeth.
Summer Footwear
Sandals are a jolly nice idea. Aren’t they, though? All bejeweled and complicated looking. Except have you ever tried walking more than 30 yards in them? Have you tried running for a bus in them? Have you ever tried walking on the road without sounding like you’re beating a seal to death with every step? Well then.
Manmade Fibres
Like, who knew polyester was actually French for Latex Duvet?
Suddenly Great Arms
I mean, strappy tops are all well and good and necessary in this heat, but turns out yoga takes, like, more than 2 x 45 minutes to work.
Weird V Tan Line Between Your Eyes
Forgot your sunglasses, did ya?
Expanding Feet
The scourge of pregnant women, frequent fliers and people who attempt to switch footwear halfway through the day.
Cycling In Summer
You got a bike? Well done, mate. I hope you spent as much on your knickers as you did on your panniers.
Follow Morwenna on Twitter @morwennastar
Picture: Rory DCS
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.