Ever tried to buy a bikini at high summer? Good luck with that one, mate. Once the summer sales have been and gone, you’re left with nothing but shops stocked full of Argyle jumpers and heavy boots. That is I mean, unless you fancy checking out the bikini sale which, as well all know, is the worst idea you’ve ever had.
Here’s what the shops think you should be wearing – and how it fucks you up.
Pastels in February
January definitely falls in the wrong season. Most people see December as some sort of ending like, the ending of winter before it spends the next six months warming up into a beautiful, glorious summer. In fact guys, it quite reguarly snows in March. A fact you’d remember if the high street shops weren’t trying to trick you into believing that Easter egg-coloured clothes are an excellent choice for February. Have you ever tried wearing pale blue ballet flats in February? Puddle water everywhere.
Bikinis in May
Most people go on holiday in July and August but, by that time the shops are as barren and bare of skimpy swimwear offerings as an Amish disco. Oh, hold on a sec, there’s a couple of specimens floating around in the dwindling ‘sale’ section. Cool. A 30DD top and a size 6 bikini bottom with a period stain in. Off to the beach we go.
Knits in August
Why the hell are shops so obsessed with knitwear? Like I have one jumper, that does me all winter. No-one likes jumpers; they’re itchy, hot and worst of all, unless they’re super expensive, they last about three minutes before they become holey, shapeless pieces of clobber that serve no purpose except to make a lovely bed for your cat.
For some reason though, the high street is determined every year to make knitwear A Thing. Unfortunately though, by the time you give in and accept that you actually need a jumper, they’re all gone. Best get yours in August like the sensible gang.
Shorts in general
Considering the amount of shorts that pop up in UK stores from April onwards, you’d think our climate was more akin to that of the South Pacific than Northern Europe. Sure there’s bound to be one day where it’s literally too hot to wear anything else other than shorts, but that’s a day when you’re going to be at work and short cotton hotpants aren’t really going to be acceptable.
The only place you’re ever going to wear them is on holiday. In fact, buy yourself more than one pair of shorts in a summer and you’re a mug.
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It’s Getting Hot Again! Here Are Eight Outfits To Wear All Week Long
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.